Open Mic: 2 Much Shit
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Sammy View Drop Down
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Form: LNW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: 2 Much Shit
    Posted: 22 September 2018 at 5:33pm
yo this is pretty ill bro. burial/dead before is a bit stretched in my estimation, but all multies following that were crisp, for the most part. 

person-Ality is murky, and she established she's a burden
Ain't crafting up a sermon but tell me if this rings a bell
Their health we sees a major fail with selfies since the age of twelve

those triplets are crisp and it has a very nostalgic feel about it. I usually don't encourage splitting up words between two lines (though ive done it before) but this felt a bit forced here. (person - Ality).

overall a very angst filled tirade against the uneven equation of relationships. It will forever be that way, bro. Get used to it lmao. good work, here.


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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Form: LLWLW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 September 2018 at 10:56am
So this is for audio eh,well it works well in text form too,yeah i liked it,your syllable
multis were not only in tune with but added to the flow well,they came off as smooth
for me,this piece had an endearing quality etched in,it also came off as quaint,it did
however in parts read on the rushed/stressed side,it didn't feel as natural as the rest
of this verse,thankfully this occurred once maybe twice within at most,so it's not a
major problem,in fact it miniscule on the whole,subject matter was cool though,i was
feeling this threesome/triangle assault of anxiety here,it had like an innocents about
it like it was charting growing pains/learning curve.enjoyable read dude...peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Smoothtung View Drop Down
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Form: WWWLWN 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Smoothtung Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 September 2018 at 12:56pm
I'll feed this when I see you giving back to the community
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Concrete View Drop Down
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Form: WWWWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Concrete Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 September 2018 at 2:36pm
I'll feed cos imma goddamned saint

first off, been a while since I saw you drop, I think you play around with some cool ideas conceptually and it seem your mechanics has improved some as well. overall pretty sound, goa comment on some bars

Monogamy says less is more but stop here's a lesson for
You the cost is a heavy force and the concept is ill-informed
nice flow but I think the transition here was forced


Ain't crafting up a sermon but tell me if this rings a bell
Their health we sees a major fail with selfies since the age of twelve
good message tho should be worded more efficient, last line especially


Their health we sees a major fail with selfies since the age of twelve
Ego is inflated well, she's thinking that she makes the male
Seeing guys that hate themselves the media is straight from hell
this was pretty cool


Beating and bruised up from the people that rule ya
If you ain't got a girl you ain't a deviant fool but
That's what tell you because defeatism's useless
It ain't even worth it man believe me it's too much
again nice flow but the transition from 2 to 3 gives an akward pause


Other guys'll stoop low to snatch her from your arm
You can't even look but she can act like a porn star
hah ok nice


pretty good drop and with some tightening here and there it may become great
keep writing
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Form: WWLNN 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 September 2018 at 8:03pm
Originally posted by DjFlame DjFlame wrote:



Im Locked in and ready for a plot for my burial
spend profits on any girl? I'd drop and be dead before
Monogamy says less is more but stop here's a lesson for
You the cost is a heavy force and the concept is ill-informed
Your options are miniscule I had to act like she is perfect
The facts are irreversible just half of them ain't worth it
Was laughing and get nervous but she's lacking and her person
Ality is murky, and she established she's a burden

The highlight to me so far is the consistency of your scheme here, along with your creative, somewhat unconventional rhyming patterns. I was also going to comment on that 'personality' line, but I can definitely see how the rest works as audio. Intriguing start. 
Originally posted by DjFlame DjFlame wrote:

Ain't crafting up a sermon but tell me if this rings a bell
Their health we sees a major fail with selfies since the age of twelve
Ego is inflated well, she's thinking that she makes the male
Seeing guys that hate themselves the media is straight from hell
Beating and bruised up from the people that rule ya
If you ain't got a girl you ain't a deviant fool but
That's what tell you because defeatism's useless
It ain't even worth it man believe me it's too much
The content is enjoyable to a certain degree but that's just preference. I feel like the 'health we sees'/'selfies since' doesn't read as naturally as the rest, but as this is intended for audio, I could see it working regardless. The 'defeatism' line was intriguing, I wished you would've expanded on that thought further, along with 'the people that rule ya' as it is kind of generalised, although there's the certain, universal allusion to it. I feel like the 'ring a bell/sermon' play felt slightly out of context, as it didn't match the more direct references and tone of the rest of the segment. Again, your schemes were a highlight here.
Originally posted by DjFlame DjFlame wrote:

What I'm scheming is true imagine your girls hot
Add it to all the fucking sacrifices on your part
Other guys'll stoop low to snatch her from your arm
You can't even look but she can act like a porn star
But Snapchat is your fault but she asked for your password
Turn that shit the way around she's actually madder
Now I'm not saying put the girls that you would smash first
But I gladly would after the things that had happened....
That took a bad turn

I think this is your strongest segment, content-wise. Lots of vivid descriptions and a somewhat 'nicely' depicted present 'scene' which definitely could be generalised. The ending was another highlight. I think if you started off your verse on a more personal tone (similar to the tone you ended it in), I think this would've been more enjoyable for me. 
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