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Raplex-Dan
Newbie Joined: 20 December 2019 Location: South-Africa Status: Offline Points: 5 |
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Posted: 20 December 2019 at 9:00am |
One single atom had gave birth to the universe we see
It took the form of life striving within every bird and beast So God isn't a man that rests in church and bleeds or a three eyed person whom we worship and serve to please.. but it didn't hurt that deep till the group of faiths started getting intolerant at a gruesome pace insanity mixed with vanity turned into brutal craze as everyone wanted be the chosen one and do what's great but they didn't let a clueless mate to choose his fate women were getting raped and dudes were slayed Villages became cemeteries that's truly grave.. As we proceeded we fought wars with passion death and sacrifice were commercialized to be a sort of fashion.., Idolized the Solider they were hold with strong compassion cause they deploy bombs to blast men who were too feeble to plot a tactic or stop this action And our own civilians just prayed to god to back them Humans will end themselves we just act as a catalyst sending weapons to the militants packed in the battleship while I was planning the strategies to find pragmatic happiness, I realized that selling arms can't spark the fire the task wasn't practical so I went to the new clear way coz the only path that we have is this See this warhead set to blow in 2 minutes will make a true impact when it'll trigger the third world war that will do the damage all countries will take their turn to screw the planet Then a new human race would grow with better views and action that will make sure to abjure the cruelest practice Look! only ten seconds to go and we'll meet our father but it's no Zeus or Adam now close your eyes and breathe as we are gonna be reduced to atoms. |
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Objective
Groupie Joined: 14 March 2020 Status: Offline Points: 22 |
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First 4 bars were dope, great opener. Good transition to get to the bread of the piece for the next 4. I feel like putting more time into select sentences here and there to up the quality of your piece would do wonder. Like here: but they didn't let a clueless mate to choose his fate women were getting raped and dudes were slayed Second line could be: "women abused and raped as dudes were slayed", that way it'd fit the rhyme pattern, less repetitive with the word "were" and flow better. It shows you can do this but not sure if you take the time to do so yet. The switch up in flow on "As we proceeded we fought wars with passion" works pretty great. Often it can break up entire pieces but after your string of rhymes it has a refreshing effect to me instead. Not having the same thought on "task wasn't practical"-line, it stood out too much to me. Content after that was dope but the delivery could have been worked more on until the last 3 bars which were dope again. Overall a solid piece I enjoyed reading that could be even better with further polishing and closer attention to detail.
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