Open Mic: Dynamic

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Raplex-Dan View Drop Down
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Joined: 20 December 2019
Location: South-Africa
Status: Offline
Points: 5
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    Posted: 20 December 2019 at 9:00am
One single atom had gave birth to the universe we see
It took the form of life striving within every bird and beast
So God isn't a man that rests in church and bleeds
or a three eyed person whom we worship and serve to please..
but it didn't hurt that deep till the group of faiths
started getting intolerant at a gruesome pace
insanity mixed with vanity turned into brutal craze
as everyone wanted be the chosen one and do what's great
but they didn't let a clueless mate to choose his fate
women were getting raped and dudes were slayed
Villages became cemeteries that's truly grave..
As we proceeded we fought wars with passion
death and sacrifice were commercialized to be a sort of fashion..,
Idolized the Solider they were hold with
strong compassion
cause they deploy bombs to blast men
who were too feeble to plot a tactic or stop this action
And our own civilians just prayed to god to back them
Humans will end themselves we just act as a catalyst
sending weapons to the militants packed in the battleship
while I was planning the strategies to find pragmatic happiness,
I realized that selling arms can't spark the fire the task wasn't practical
so I went to the new clear way coz the only path that we have is this
See this warhead set to blow in 2 minutes will make a true impact when
it'll trigger the third world war that will do the damage
all countries will take their turn to screw the planet
Then a new human race would grow with better
views and action
that will make sure to abjure the cruelest practice
Look! only ten seconds to go and we'll meet our father but it's no Zeus or Adam
now close your eyes and breathe as we are gonna be reduced to atoms.
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Joined: 14 March 2020
Status: Offline
Points: 22
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Objective Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 March 2020 at 8:18am
First 4 bars were dope, great opener. Good transition to get to the bread of the piece for the next 4.

I feel like putting more time into select sentences here and there to up the quality of your piece would do wonder. Like here:
but they didn't let a clueless mate to choose his fate
women were getting raped and dudes were slayed

Second line could be: "women abused and raped as dudes were slayed", that way it'd fit the rhyme pattern, less repetitive with the word "were" and flow better. It shows you can do this but not sure if you take the time to do so yet.

The switch up in flow on "As we proceeded we fought wars with passion" works pretty great. Often it can break up entire pieces but after your string of rhymes it has a refreshing effect to me instead. Not having the same thought on "task wasn't practical"-line, it stood out too much to me.

Content after that was dope but the delivery could have been worked more on until the last 3 bars which were dope again.

Overall a solid piece I enjoyed reading that could be even better with further polishing and closer attention to detail.
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