Open Mic: Rabbit Hole Flow |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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Posted: 04 April 2020 at 12:34am |
the place the event shapes the wise words; the template is grass greener if Buddha is sensei? who do I.. finger-point for my chems sake? who survives when my debts paid and in this life, is my death grace? my clock bangs, the cuckoo bird squawk makes that awkward silence, not Shawshank "borrowed time"; thats a staunch bank. full circle, I draw blanks that black hole my thoughts race on my final day; will I long face or was man made for Gods sake |
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#Bananas
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Topic wise it seems like an existential crisis. Abstract as hell, have you been listening to Sage Francis or something? I liked the random questions scattered in places because the whole verse feels like one big question. It got me into the feel of it, and the head space where the event shapes. I probably like the 'borrowed time' line the most as it was a metaphor and felt like the punch/climax things were leading up to until you pulled it back to summarise for the last 2 bars. Word choice was ill like even starting the last part with 'full circle'. Maybe you weren't going for these things on purpose but that's what I'm taking from it. Last line provoked thought more than answered questions which was a good way to end it. It's like you had a moment on a random break and thought the dialogue before just going back to life. This topic has been visited a lot but so much scope for freshness. Dope.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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my head space,
the place the event shapes the wise words; the template is grass greener if Buddha is sensei? who do I.. finger-point for my chems sake? who survives when my debts paid and in this life, is my death grace? my clock bangs, the cuckoo bird squawk makes that awkward silence, not Shawshank "borrowed time"; thats a staunch bank. full circle, I draw blanks that black hole my thoughts race on my final day; will I long face or was man made for Gods sake Damn clever the opening couplet here, deeper than it 1st appears, talking on how experiences shapes us and cements our characters, and the last line was a whole concept on its own, referencing weed and connecting it all together to mean another thing, real cool,and to be honest that sums up this verse, it's down to the reader to find his or her interpretation of it, solid work here Neek, an enjoyable read plus clever....peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Objective
Groupie Joined: 14 March 2020 Status: Offline Points: 22 |
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Definitely jumping in the rabbit hole on this one, lol. You start out with a great stanza, kind of letting the reader into your train of thought with something thought provoking. Really dark follow up on that, questioning whether or not death is a blessing in "chems sake", I'm guessing narcotics. Not fun to be stuck in that chaos, death is definitely not a blessing but I can see hardship making it seem like such. Dunno if that was what you were touching on, but that's how I understood it.
clock/glock bangs, time is a killer for sure. Could this be the rabbit hole of drugs you're talking about? How one can dig themselves deeper and deeper into debt and "friendly" agreements? Last stanza with "draw blanks", no more bullets to fire, great double meaning of how life gets to fate along with giving a strong visual of what's going on in the present. The desperation of what all of this was worth is a great ender to it all, as if we're all here to entertain God when that sort of higher being never seem to show mercy when humans need it the most. Dope read and write up. Good shit.
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