Open Mic: Another dity

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     I come from the a land of the rap slums-
To slap bums-
   Who bump gums-
Those mum, full of cum..can't scrum-
 Cause I am the fear of all sums-
I am the one who plays dumb-
   string them along as they bite on my 
Bread crumbs-
  Fight'n the urge- to purge-
Then surge- into murder...
While drink'n some red rum-

   I am the dark hallow-
 that cast shadows-... on the woodwork of gallows-
The one who gives you hope-
  til I drop lines with some heads on the end of ropes-
And even ur ghost said, ...YO!!! that was pretty dope-
   So I don't claim to be elevated-
Except with fever-
  I'm hotter than a hot route, wide receiver-
Hallelujah...make you a believer-
  And Don't be mad, just side effects of an over achiever

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Gunzofarsenal Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 15 April 2020 Location: Princeton Status: Offline Points: 23	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gunzofarsenal Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Another dity Posted: 17 April 2020 at 6:56pm
	I come from the a land of the rap slums- To slap bums- Who bump gums- Those mum, full of cum..can't scrum- Cause I am the fear of all sums- I am the one who plays dumb- string them along as they bite on my Bread crumbs- Fight'n the urge- to purge- Then surge- into murder... While drink'n some red rum- I am the dark hallow- that cast shadows-... on the woodwork of gallows- The one who gives you hope- til I drop lines with some heads on the end of ropes- And even ur ghost said, ...YO!!! that was pretty dope- So I don't claim to be elevated- Except with fever- I'm hotter than a hot route, wide receiver- Hallelujah...make you a believer- And Don't be mad, just side effects of an over achiever

Neek Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Neek Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 April 2020 at 7:09pm
	fire.
	#Bananas

Gunzofarsenal Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 15 April 2020 Location: Princeton Status: Offline Points: 23	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gunzofarsenal Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 April 2020 at 8:21pm
	Thanx man !!!

Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 21 April 2020 at 10:21am
	Well i'll type this, the flow here was crazy, i was really really enjoying the assonance and same sounding vowels too, and the imagery kicked in that shadows/gallows bar was real nice, and although it came off as basic in wording, im happy that you kept it simple to be honest, now and again a verse comes along that doesn't need to be complex, like here, the attention for anyone reading should be on narrative/tempo, which is dis- played rather well here, i enjoyed this one fella, just wished there was more of it as i feel you had your zone popping in this one, cool read thanks for sharing..peace.
	"You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance".

Gunzofarsenal Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 15 April 2020 Location: Princeton Status: Offline Points: 23	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gunzofarsenal Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2020 at 1:45pm
	Thanks again for the insight of your opinion on this piece. I wanted to do more with it but just was running short on time at the moment, but looking to do more work !!!!

CHAIN Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote CHAIN Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2020 at 2:01pm
	I like the multis and the structure. But it needs some harder hitting content. Tell us about your opinions. Nas once said 'My music is a description of my vibe of course My life, my sites, my thoughts, what I like on my fork... Give the reader that.
	+Sick-Witted+