Open Mic: Guilt & Lust...(WD7)

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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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    Posted: 19 December 2016 at 10:07am
My mind 1st has Depravity then regret,it's all twisted like a tourniquet,
I try hard to forget,but as a relic it stays inside me like a shrine its kept,
Memories so forceful they barge,i feel pain then know it's not a Mirage,
My reputation is marred,once holding a placard now trodden on like tar,

Killed a man threw him off a pier,splash was onomatopoeie to my ears,
him drowning was a thing of pulchritude,the police I managed to allude,
taking gulps of air like a whale deep in the blue,then thinking how crude,
I try hard to detonate sanguine thoughts,victim number 2 is now sought,
See a woman looking all distraught,I already view her as an afterthought,
I'm quite enjoying this killing spree,where life's the price or the token fee,
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote S Dubb Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 December 2016 at 11:51am
This was an alright little open mic homie..... The creativity on this was flawless, great job on that..... Your flow was a little shaky in places but nothing to major..... You created good imagery for me, I could picture things while you were dropping your bars..... For me this piece was better then the last one I read from you..... Just keep being creative and work on your delivery a bit more..... Good job lookin forward to seeing more......
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 December 2016 at 6:38pm
honestly, Crim, this maybe one of my favorite of yours. What you seem to struggle with, most of the time, has always been wording, but this was pretty crisps, bro. You're one of them dudes who takes advice and suggestion seriously so im not surpirse how much you've elevated, bro.

My mind 1st has Depravity then regret,it's all twisted like a tourniquet, 

i know i just mention ur wording has improved but the first half of that line was a bit awkward. I do, however, like how u combined the two words into a concept all its own. 

taking gulps of air like a whale deep in the blue, then thinking how crude,

and the ending was pretty dope man.

As far as things to bear in mind for improvement, i'd say try to keep the passive voice to a minimal. here's what i mean:

him drowning was a thing of pulchritude, the police I managed to allude,

now i understand it was an attempt at multi but the way that 2nd half read sounded awkward. i'd just switch up the scheme. instead of "the police i managed to allude" i'd just say "i managed to allude the police. The land was a cool gust of breeze" lol some shit like that. the "him drowing was a thing of pulchritude" was an example of great wording. that was really dope! 

man at this rate, dude ur gonna be quite a topicalist man. can't wait to see what the future has in store.


I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring. -David Bowie (RIP)
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 December 2016 at 8:40pm
@S Dubb thanks for the time man,plus the feed that you left,I value all feed..

@Sammy thank you also for investing the time,and I will take this feed and apply it,
i'll get it right real soon with the honesty of all the quality feed I've been getting of
late..peace.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2016 at 3:05pm
Quote My mind 1st has Depravity then regret,it's all twisted like a tourniquet,


^This is the best 'tourniquet'' bar I've read so far in this challenge.

Quote I try hard to forget,but as a relic it stays inside me like a shrine its kept,


^Either .. there is a pause needed between the word "shrine" and the word "its" which can be achieved by using "--" or "..." (among countless other variations of punctuation) or there may need to be an extra syllable included to help round out the overall sound at the end.


However, with that said, the creativity of that bar was just stupendous. And the way in which it ties-in and relates to the previous line shows how focused your pen game is here. Also, minus that one itty bitty mention, your rhythm (in general) is in the pocket.

Quote Memories so forceful they barge,i feel pain then know it's not a Mirage,


^Nicely worded and executed!

Quote My reputation is marred,once holding a placard now trodden on like tar,


Your British command of the English language is showing here. Great concept in relation to the word, Crim.

Quote Killed a man threw him off a pier,splash was onomatopoeie to my ears,


I can see it and I can hear it --*Bloop*! Dope as fuck!

Quote him drowning was a thing of pulchritude,the police I managed to allude,


Straightforward, but also an excellent usage of the word. And your flow has consistently stayed within the range of the meter. Also, I like how all of your lines are interwoven into a complete story.

Quote taking gulps of air like a whale deep in the blue,then thinking how crude,
I try hard to detonate sanguine thoughts,victim number 2 is now sought,


Pretty nice. The flow could be elevated some tho. Also, I hate the word "sanguine". It reads so awkwardly and out of place. Not in your drop specifically, but just in general.

Quote See a woman looking all distraught,I already view her as an afterthought,
I'm quite enjoying this killing spree,where life's the price or the token fee,


^Yep, dope-ass ending.

You might win this one, Crim. You sure showed up like you were planning to. Tight submission.

Peace...
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2016 at 4:04pm
@SELF.

Thank you for the feed bro,as you know I will constantly strife to reach the levels where
I think I should be due to my knowledge of poetry,and you guys are definitely helping..
peace.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2016 at 8:35pm
Ok Ok Ok i see you Crim.

This was nice. A little choppy in some spots but the use of vocabulary is on-point. I liked the approach and delivery. One thing i wish i saw here was a little more mutli induced vocabulary picks. Still enjoyed this for the most part. Just wish the multis stringed with the words giving .
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 December 2016 at 11:15pm
Glad to see you participating. 
I really enjoyed the way you incorporated the words into your narrative. Highlights were the 'tourniquet', the 'whale' incorporation and the ending line. Some of your wording, however, didn't feel natural to me, like the 'first depravity, then regret' bit in your opening. The 'detonate sanguine thoughts' line was very intriguing concept-wise, but the 'I try hard..' preceding it kind of lessened the effect it could've had. I like how you employ the long bar structure, and I can see you're improving the rhyme scheme, a slightly more thorough emphasis on inners could contribute greatly to the overall smoothness here. I thoroughly enjoyed the vivid imagery here and I appreciate the variations you had with regard to the given words. Looking forward to reading more. 

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2016 at 7:08pm
Nice. Real nice. Think you could've been a bit slicker/smoother in your overall flow but I really liked that you pushed the boundary here and told a story, you managed to get enough detail in there that I followed it and found it interesting, which is a really tough thing to achieve in 10 lines. That, plus your use of imagery throughout has got to put you towards the top end of submissions. Nice work bro.
#Bananas
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator.


This is a bit rough around the edges in some places but when you use words that have been provided for you thats hard to avoid. Again your imagery is outstanding, I know im in for a visual artistic experience when I click on your post's. This dosent disappoint, to be able paint a picture with words is an incredible gift. One that you have mastered, personally I found it hard to buy the concept of you being a serial killer...but than again it's never the ones you expect lol. Great submission bro, keep posting its always a highlight when I get to read some of your work. Catch ya later   
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote -Que- Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 January 2017 at 5:26am
How you pulled off a story in 10 lines was just icy!! I hate to be redundant but Cubes hit the nail on the head.  Good shit Crim. Another one of my favs

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 January 2017 at 1:36pm
@Dizzle /Alice /Que /HI-Z /Cuba..

Thank you guys,I must say I feel a little overwhelmed with the feed given here,top
looks there and some nice pointers so win win for me,and again thanks..peace.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 January 2017 at 11:11am
Yeah this was dope. I liked both halves and thought they brought something totally different to the table. I didn't expect the second half to be what it was but it makes the first section that much better. Always good to get insight into the person's head, like dialogue at the beginning of a noir movie or something lol. Descriptions were sick. The second half kept consistent and I thought the use of the words came off natural. The calmness was there too, like you just didn't give a fuck. Overall it was a good quality drop about killing without it being all angry or horrorcore. Like mentioned before the flow wasn't as on point as the rest of the elements but it didn't take away from my enjoyment of the verse. The last bar is probably the stand out part for me too, a great way to wrap it up and end it.
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