Open Mic: Hampton River Ft. H4ZE |
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JBrenn 
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Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3757 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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 Topic: Hampton River Ft. H4ZEPosted: 21 June 2014 at 9:23am |
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H4ZE: After a long day at school, I'm ready for the day to end The bell rings, finally I can go home and lay in bed Hop on the bus, shit, gotta wait for the last stop Soon as the bus gets there I run my ass off Get home, open the door, mom is layin on the ground She's not movin', not breathin', blood drainin all around Not knowing what to do I sprint out of the house Hop on my bike, ride away, just tryna drown the shit out My heart pounds and it pounds, not sure where im headin Thinkin' "will I be crazy forever or learn to accept it?" Is this a nightmare? If so I'm yearning to exit the thoughts I had of happiness, turned to a death wish I pedal faster, and soon notice a bridge in the distance Should I do it? I don't think I wanna live with this sick shit So I speed up, quickly makin my way to the bridge I'm ready to die by suicide and im makin it quick! As I approach I start to think, "should I really do this?" I've already lost my mom, right now I'm feeling useless So I step up on the guard rail, to look over the bridge Go to get down, step on some shit I didn't notice and slip....JBrenn: A Splif twist and lit hanging from my lip... The mist hits covering my mits with it... I exit the residence with quickness... sickness behind me i won't miss this... Last Job last time Im out this business... Hop in my truck I need to piss, shit! Drive over to the gas station take a leak... Stock up on slim jims soda and something sweet... The scene I briefed is quick to leave... She's just another weak bitch to me... Im cold catch six hits at least... For peace i need to hit three trees... Stare down the tenet and walk to my truck... Hop in the cab and blaze another one up... A stain on my cuff her face is harder to forget... A hair on my gloves "fuck get rid of this." Drive towards the bridge my phone beeps... I take a peep eyes off the street... A reflector catches my eye i look to see... Next I see a kid off the curb in a heap... I cock the wheel swerve and can it be... The woman's eyes nose hair and cheeks... I get the slightest ghost of a shiver... All i can say is "fuck" as i crash into the hampton river... |
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SwordedStylez
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4921 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 21 June 2014 at 2:18pm |
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This was dope, both of y'all came correct here.
Shanks - Your flow is great, anyone who says you're too simple's a dick. Because you're so economical with your wording anybody who spits bars on here can read your shit out loud and fit it over a beat with ease, that means you're good. Your word choice is excellent, if you rapped this it would sound like you were reading me a story, that's good delivery. SO we've got good flow and good delivery, that's most of what you need to be a good rapper. Rhyme schemes were solid but uninspired. Now you've nailed this style, try dropping in some transitional schemes and internal strings to add spice to it. A good one for internals is to do your first line as normal, then do two quick multies with a different rhyme, then come back to the end multie again. Some little embellishments and licks like that and you'll get a serious rep. JBrenn - Your flow is ridiculous actually, this spits well on a raga beat haha. With a good bouncy riddim and this punchy flow you could literally rock a crowd. That being said, rhymes were on point, and you have a nice subtle modest style, not too flashy but certainly not boring. You punctuate your verse well delivering flow and content highlighted well because it's so snappy it's very easy to absorb. This is as good as anything in open mic right now I reckon. Stay up.
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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The Law
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God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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Posted: 21 June 2014 at 3:45pm |
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H4ZE - Great flow on your part. You did very well on the emotional side of it as well, when you were questioning yourself. You definitely had the "suicidal mind" down to a pat in your verse and I feel that's what really made it come out because it felt real.
JBrenn - Dope flow, I like the style that you delivered it with on this one. I did think the rhyme schemes were a little simple but it still turned out nice. Loved the closer, and the intertwinement. This was a dope piece. You guys did a very good job at making both pieces entertaining and bringing them together as one. Like the topic as well, it's original and not your everyday OM.
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SwordedStylez
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Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4921 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
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Posted: 21 June 2014 at 3:55pm |
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That was supposed to say H4ZE not shanks haha, I;m high and reading multiple windows at once lol.
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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Shankley
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Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
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Posted: 21 June 2014 at 4:01pm |
That's funny I don't remember writing this, must have been my "subconscious"... it's name H4ZE  But seriously guys great drop H4ZE you're improving with every piece of yours I read.... great job bro you had great flow and the emotional element in it brought it to life. JB: dope vers, this right here is one of the reasons I nominated you for vet status. You drop dope shit whenever you have a foray into the OMs. Edited by Shankley - 21 June 2014 at 4:06pm |
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Red-B
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Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Posted: 21 June 2014 at 7:18pm |
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H4ZE- I wanna start off by saying I'm lucky to have you as fam and a mentor! This piece is wow! The flow was top notch in my eyes, the story telling was vivid and I could see that slight moment of Oops as you slipped of the bridge. This was just all around great the schemes where good aswell! Dope piece man!
JBrenn- Man your good! The way you connected this story to H4ZEs and made it click really impressed me! Your flow is great! The schemes are amazing and honestly this is the first piece I think I've read from you and I can't wait to see more! Keep up and stay blessed guys! |
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H4ZE
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Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 21 June 2014 at 7:22pm |
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thanks for the feed guys. I really appreciate it.
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JBrenn
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Posted: 21 June 2014 at 9:54pm |
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Thanks for so much feed everyone.
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SwordedStylez
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Posted: 22 June 2014 at 1:39pm |
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Bumpin this for more feed
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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JBrenn
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Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3757 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 22 June 2014 at 11:38pm |
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Too many disrespectful noobs ss thanks for the shout out though.
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Smoothtung
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Posted: 23 June 2014 at 9:15pm |
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woe.. this topic is crazy original and executed so well, i'm greatly impressed with the ingenuity it took to create this.
H4ZE your multis were rolling very nicely, flow was pretty much rock solid throughout. JB your flow was so much different and more relaxed yet it was probably smoother and complimented your partners superbly.
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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CHAIN
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Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 24 June 2014 at 12:16am |
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The eminem that made the slim shady lp would've been proud.
@H4ZE; damnit, man...your output is ridiculous right now. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of writer you really are. It's like you' re a very experienced mc who has been doing this shit for years....but you're holding back, lol. style/technique/flow is in the pocket. But your wording can be very simplistic at times, its almost like youre doing it on purpose, lol. But you're great, i said it before and i'll say it again, glad to have you on the team. dope collab. |
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H4ZE
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Posted: 24 June 2014 at 12:24am |
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haha, thanks for the feed CHAIN. I really appreciate it. And im actually working on steping up my wording so hopefully that will show through in the next few OMs I put out.
But thanks again man.
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JBrenn
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Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3757 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 25 June 2014 at 5:06am |
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Chain and smooth thanks for the feed guys and haze great job... this was a fun om bro!
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H4ZE
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Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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Posted: 25 June 2014 at 5:14am |
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thanks JB, you did great to, and I had fun with this man, hope we can work together again in the near future.
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Smoothtung
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Posted: 26 June 2014 at 3:05am |
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Bumping this piece, great read right here
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Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
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Freeda5thDawg
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Posted: 26 June 2014 at 3:58am |
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The thing about Haze is he knows exactly where he's at and as he's elevating, he remains consistent and never forces his skill where he loses touch and has to revise. You're an absolutely great writer for that. You're very disciplined and steady with your style and I know it works well cause I could always nod my head to the rhythm of your verses as I spit them. Very pro with your story telling as well. You know how to set the foundation, build up, and end your pieces very effectively. This was no exception except for the fact that your verse wasn't the end. When JBrenn came in and delivered his verse, I just smiled throughout. You two worked so well as visionary writers in this piece. The way J, you approached it to connect it all together was simply clever and truly allowed the whole thing to feel complete. And for such short piece being that you both only dropped 16, I think that speaks a whole lot about your skills. Liked this a lot.
Edit: I made the mistake of saying you both dropped 16 when you obviously didn't. Going from the 16's of SS's piece I had finished feeding before this one, my feeble mind confused me. Apologies. Nonetheless, still skillful as hell from you both. Nothing taken away.
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H4ZE
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Posted: 26 June 2014 at 6:07pm |
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haha. Thabks for the feedback Freeda, I really appreciate you taking your timeto give quality feedback. Thanksn
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JBrenn
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Posted: 27 June 2014 at 7:18am |
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Freeda!! You always drop the truth thanks dude means a lot.
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JBrenn
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Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3757 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 30 June 2014 at 8:49pm |
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Bump for june OMOTM consideration....
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SwordedStylez wrote: