Open Mic: Help me find my cousin please

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They're all cousins. grew up in the same loving household
play together all day, every day until they're out cold
three of them boys, two of them girls, cousins who look identical
The beach their backyard, the ocean their swimming pool
all of them between 11 and 13, smart kids with talent
raised by good loving guardians with balance
This picture's from last week, Mom was out having fun with the kids
that's lil Sue laggin behind, she always been scared to jump off the bridge
Mom took this picture as they all went to dive
Susie never jumped. instead she stopped at the end and cried
But then she got scared and stared, into the water
after a minute and no kid has returned to the top yet
more minutes passed and all mother and Sue can do is scream and cry
This picture here, is the last time the 4 of them were ever seen alive

Edited by Who-Is-You? - 06 November 2017 at 2:36am

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Who-Is-You? Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 03 October 2017 Status: Offline Points: 89 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Who-Is-You? Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Help me find my cousin please Posted: 06 November 2017 at 2:24am
	They're all cousins. grew up in the same loving household play together all day, every day until they're out cold three of them boys, two of them girls, cousins who look identical The beach their backyard, the ocean their swimming pool all of them between 11 and 13, smart kids with talent raised by good loving guardians with balance This picture's from last week, Mom was out having fun with the kids that's lil Sue laggin behind, she always been scared to jump off the bridge Mom took this picture as they all went to dive Susie never jumped. instead she stopped at the end and cried But then she got scared and stared, into the water after a minute and no kid has returned to the top yet more minutes passed and all mother and Sue can do is scream and cry This picture here, is the last time the 4 of them were ever seen alive Edited by Who-Is-You? - 06 November 2017 at 2:36am

Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 06 November 2017 at 5:25pm
	Seens as i've been banging on about excessive wording to your work of late,this was a better offering in that department,i liked this on the whole although it was basic in scheme,it did come off as simple,but not in a bad way,here simplicity was the key,it gave this verse a quaint vibe on reading,it had an enduring factor about it which added depth,the verse also co insides with the image well too,i liked the innocents of the contents here (until the end,when it became sinister),which i thought was a nice inclusion,what this piece really lacked this time,is not multi's but imagery,if included,this piece would of gone from good to solid,(and i'm sorry if it seems like i'm always finding fault,but i'm not,i feel you could be a solid writer, i'm just trying to speed that process up),enjoyed the read..peace.
	"You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance".

Bazooka bastard Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 30 December 2015 Status: Offline Points: 108 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Bazooka bastard Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 09 November 2017 at 10:38pm
	Really weird piece, decent read I'm just surprised at the topic. Can't really explain why but I got a creepy roald Dahl vibe, like a dark story for kids. Also - 5 children aged between 11-13, I'd suspect a set up involving the guardians, similar thoughts have crossed my mind when I've heard Babies crying or young uns just being cunts. 5 sounds like a right fuckin handful. Looking forward to the sequel where they have another crack at Susie.