Open Mic: Help me find my cousin please

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Who-Is-You? View Drop Down
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    Posted: 06 November 2017 at 2:24am



They're all cousins. grew up in the same loving household
play together all day, every day until they're out cold
three of them boys, two of them girls, cousins who look identical
The beach their backyard, the ocean their swimming pool
all of them between 11 and 13, smart kids with talent
raised by good loving guardians with balance
This picture's from last week, Mom was out having fun with the kids
that's lil Sue laggin behind, she always been scared to jump off the bridge
Mom took this picture as they all went to dive
Susie never jumped. instead she stopped at the end and cried
But then she got scared and stared, into the water
after a minute and no kid has returned to the top yet
more minutes passed and all mother and Sue can do is scream and cry
This picture here, is the last time the 4 of them were ever seen alive




Edited by Who-Is-You? - 06 November 2017 at 2:36am
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 November 2017 at 5:25pm

Seens as i've been banging on about excessive wording to your work of late,this
was a better offering in that department,i liked this on the whole although it was
basic in scheme,it did come off as simple,but not in a bad way,here simplicity was
the key,it gave this verse a quaint vibe on reading,it had an enduring factor about
it which added depth,the verse also co insides with the image well too,i liked the
innocents of the contents here (until the end,when it became sinister),which i
thought was a nice inclusion,what this piece really lacked this time,is not multi's
but imagery,if included,this piece would of gone from good to solid,(and i'm sorry
if it seems like i'm always finding fault,but i'm not,i feel you could be a solid writer,
i'm just trying to speed that process up),enjoyed the read..peace.    
"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Bazooka bastard Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 November 2017 at 10:38pm
Really weird piece, decent read I'm just surprised at the topic. Can't really explain why but I got a creepy roald Dahl vibe, like a dark story for kids. Also - 5 children aged between 11-13, I'd suspect a set up involving the guardians, similar thoughts have crossed my mind when I've heard Babies crying or young uns just being cunts. 5 sounds like a right fuckin handful. Looking forward to the sequel where they have another crack at Susie.
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