Open Mic: "hitman".. keystyle

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Corleone View Drop Down
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    Posted: 14 May 2020 at 2:59pm
Yo...

Here's the plan I'm a hit man ready to kill/
I got orders from the boss, an Italian male/
he'll put a price on your head just for running your mouth/
and as a Hitman I get paid to gun up your house/
plottin out, on top of the building.. I start kneeling/
point the sniper rifle at the man I'm killing/
cold blooded with no feelings,
I'll gut his fuckin children,
and nail their body parts to the fucking upper ceiling/
money had it coming..
he stole a thousand and something/ cash,-
so you know the boss wanted his ass gutted/
I put the blade to his stomach, gave it a slice/
watch the blood spill from his gut he begged for his life..
I was their recruit..
Hired to kill and pursuit..
.. Dressed in combat gear and military boots/
Spent years, in warfare..
.. Training in Beirut,
Near the peare, by side of the tents,
with army troops,
cartels and planes,
ready to distribute,
.. cocaine I slang,
Steady to all my troops,
.. I keep my doe buried,
Buried under the booth,
Beneath all my weapons,
.. table, where I salute,
But also you should know that,
Right side of the tropaz,
I wired some explosives,
safe guarding the loot..
.. a bomb specialist, war veteran,
Slash chemist, in black markets..
And a marksmen,
.. In desert storm, I was caught for money laundering..
and discharged for drug trafficking,
.. I was court marshalled,
Locked up, in Vietnam..
But escaped.. while some died awake, reading psalms/
In a lake.. while some died of pain, blaming God/
No mistake.. some died of aids, from these whores..
I was great.. something like the late Chey gurraw,
But crime pays.. despite foul play and the law..
.. a cannaseur, and a carnivore,
I drink wine, and eat steak for dinner and live like a boss/
In my estate.. I own several cars,
A few homes, a few yachts and a few bars/
.. I train hard, and got a few scars,
.. And dog tags that hang below to my two balls,
.. My jobs' the target
I see his kid in the apartment,
One of em' ran but lunghed into something very awkward/
He fell face first down the hall,
A neighbor shouted, "Help!"
seeing this kid, collapsed on the floor/
.. Hit up the fuse box and jammed the elevator,
And prior.. I cuffed his sister to a radiator/
I had no choice to kill em' both..
I was under oath and cleaning
My scope off with kitchen soap/
Initially.. I was on the roof, particularly,-next store/
Meditating my visual to check Gawd..
Yo, my shot missed and wrecked walls,
I'm speeding down the next hall,
From next stores building,-
As I check pal.. /
I made it to the room, unexpectedly,
His kids checking me/
Looking at me like this was the death of me..
I shoot their father, in his right arm..
to calm his kids down,
and make em' sit down,
Before the night calmed..
I pulled my blade out,
And cut him where his stomach fade out,
That nigga laid out,
Gushing like something came out..
That's word on the Bible..
His blood splattered on the wall,
Down to my shoes, and on to my sniper rifle/
That's when I wiped the blood off the lens,
I seen his daughter cleansed,
Looking like she met God and made amends,
I uncuffed her than.. from the radiator,
She told me.. she believed in a Lord and savior/
I watched her mourn on her father's corpse,
In the apartment.. broken hearted,
Crying, she had a dying voice/
I than offered her a finer choice,
And asked of her mother,
But she replied, her parents were divorced/
.. she started trembling,
I told her to calm down,
and sooner or later, she'll be back with her mom now/
But first.. let's talk, let me explain one thing/
You can't speak anyone about today, or me/
You get it? I don't exist, we never met or spoke,
For safe assurances, please write your name as spoked.. /
I need addresses.. aunt's, uncle's, adolescents/
Social security numbers and schools you've attended/
.. Secondly, I need pictures of you and your brother,
But most importantly, pictures of you and your mother/
Third of all.. I need some more information/
Like where your father stored his vehicle registration..
From mortgages, to all documentations..
.. Including phone logs,
and conversations/
I need statements,
Bill inquiries, with the dates and,-
Corporate locations,
.. starting from the latest/
Last of all, I wanna say congratulations..
.. And thank you for your cooperation..

- Cor
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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 May 2020 at 5:23pm
Nice verse..

Pro's.

I liked the way you progressed this story, even so much as adding a little back
story which gave this some depth, and although the whole piece had a lengthy
look,it read surprisingly quick,you had enough meat on the bone to keep the
story engaging, and mid way through you switched up your rhyme scheme,by
instead of rhyming the last word in every line to rhyming mid lines,i wished you
had started and finished that way to be honest,because it was a fresh slant to
run with,but still it added an extra dimension to the overall verse, yep this was
a cool read.


Con's.

Besides the injection of the mid line rhyming within, on the whole this verse did
have a simplistic vibe entow, the lack of multis (either syllable or word)made this
verse come off as flat to read, also the subject matter by the end became a chore
to read,it was just to samey and lacked variety, a few similes would of lifted this
verse up and out for a reader, and this is the thing, due to the subject matter i feel
you missed out on a wealth of wordplay/film referencs,

Overall a cool read...peace.

Edited by Crimson Juice - 14 May 2020 at 6:09pm
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Corleone View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Corleone Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 May 2020 at 5:24am
Originally posted by Crimson Juice Crimson Juice wrote:

Nice verse..

Pro's.

I liked the way you progressed this story, even so much as adding a little back
story which gave this some depth, and although the whole piece had a lengthy
look,it read surprisingly quick,you had enough meat on the bone to keep the
story engaging, and mid way through you switched up your rhyme scheme,by
instead of rhyming the last word in every line to rhyming mid lines,i wished you
had started and finished that way to be honest,because it was a fresh slant to
run with,but still it added an extra dimension to the overall verse, yep this was
a cool read.


Con's.

Besides the injection of the mid line rhyming within, on the whole this verse did
have a simplistic vibe entow, the lack of multis (either syllable or word)made this
verse come off as flat to read, also the subject matter by the end became a chore
to read,it was just to samey and lacked variety, a few similes would of lifted this
verse up and out for a reader, and this is the thing, due to the subject matter i feel
you missed out on a wealth of wordplay/film referencs,

Overall a cool read...peace.

 

thanks.. 
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