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The Law 
Site Moderator 
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
 Topic: IC Semi-Finals: Battler 1 vs Battler 4Posted: 10 March 2015 at 9:31pm |
 Identity Crisis: Semi-Finals - Unlimited Lines First to 5- -Battlers will be anonymous- -Votes will be hidden- -Wednesday March 18th, 11:59pm GMT time Round 2 Theme: Back to the Basics 250 Posts to vote Voting is anonymous until battle completion Verses must be PM'd to me Goodluck If you have any questions, post them here or send me a pm. Topic: Parallel Universe |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 19 March 2015 at 3:02am |
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Battler 1 "The boys possessed", I'm so stressed, scrawling on a chalk board Been focused since the days of crawling on the floorboards Of my parents house, a flare been doused, a siren cried Lady Luck burnt down our home to ignite a fire inside My primal mind, coz within the ashes and the flames I caught a glimpse so tragic that disaster didn't claim... That was years ago, but I can't shake the feeling Spine tingling like a surgeon who hears his patient screaming So I pumped my blood full of drugs to numb the visions Flashing back to the scene where a drunk decision Sees a cigarette burn a couch, I stutter, why regret Words I utter quietest..."is this a butterfly effect?" "Probably a prodigy", words I learned to resent, hollow lies When you've lost a father and a brother from negligent homicide They think I'm gifted, it's sadistic, they've got it twisted Like a blunt filled with skunk when I smoke the pot I'm lifted And paint on a canvas, I'm free from their judgments Psychologists bustle round, furrowed brows Their gaze is disgusting, alien justice, stares pungent Their ways are distrusting, tentacles might swallow me Sneering squids lock me in with experimental psychology Expose me to chemicals to see how I develop... I'm just a photograph, to be looked at, my life is hellish And yet I get the feeling I have a chance at a lost coast Like I could've taken another path at the crossroads... “It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.” She comes in the night, shining her light, painful, deceiving I wake in cold sweats not knowing if she's Angel or Demon Picturesque scenes, like they were captured on easels Haunting, alluring, wonder 'am I being raptured to evil?' It just drives me on to achieve my goal in the lab The first University professor in his zone, this is mad It gets eerie to map this, could be a dreary mishap, shit To be the first theoretical physicist to convert theory to practice... Glaring deep in a harrowed well, seeking dreams of a parallel Universe, where you can ride a wormhole with the ease of a carousel A fresh frontier, my quest comes near, glossing a new beyond Take a deep breath to relief stress, fuck, I'm crossing the Rubicon Green lights like the Matrix, impossible, twisted This world isn't tactile, like solids are liquids The backdrop has stopped, but it's rapid Spaced the fuck out like I dropped eight tonnes of acid See the sun in flashes, London, ashes Then the face appears in a punctured casket But it isn't real, more like strokes from a paintbrush Then I see through her eyes and experience the same rush The sister I lost in that night in the flames Is living in a reality in which HER life didn't cave And MY life wasn't saved?! That price wasn't paid? And now it strikes me that my deranged arrival Has seen her confined to an insane asylum?! Fuck. “No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away…” individual quotes are Terry Pratchett / Discworld novels
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 19 March 2015 at 3:03am |
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Battler 4 I'm a product of bad decisions; an addict living on corners A Manic depressive, whose life is unfulfilling with torment Panhandling for a living; and belittled by taunter's So i naturally feel human; from even penny supporters Extending my portions, to make what little I own last Hoping I have enough change to fill up my chrome flask It helps me make it through the days and my mind filters my own past I'm ironically comforted by the filth from my own rags I unfold a newspaper; to help keep me warmer from the breeze when the cold air hits my body, I ache in the joints within my knees Until the streetlight shines on the paper, no longer was I weary or upset An ad; - $200 incentive - to anyone who volunteers as an experiments subject The date was for tommorrow and I knew the exact location of the lab I can wake up right at dusk; and try to make it while it lasts The Next Morning..... The sun shone brightly, waking me up to my piss soaked clothes But I had to get to that lab! the $200 could help me get more dope It's down this large road; the large building that's absent of windows I'll do whatever they need me to; grab the cash and then go Dirty looks from the receptionist; probably cuz I looked like a morbid druggie "Have a seat Mr. Johnson; someone will be here for you shortly" I was led into a laboratory by a group of men in lab coats They then proceeded to explain what the experiment asked for To step inside a large machine; with hopes of sending me to a parallel universe I grumbled in agreement, annoyed they didn't give me my share of the money first They inserted a chip inside my arm to remain alert on what I've seen That could also be used to open a portal and I'd be be returned to the machine "I can't believe this shit!"; I said at the shocking technology I began to get nervous as I heard the locks click behind me Too late to go back, what if this new world comes at me hostile and violently? "Fellas" the scientist said; "We've made the impossible possible finally." "Remember to tap your arm three times; whenever you feel you need to come back!" He pulled the large lever down and everything went black. I woke up confused; my clothes were new and I was inside of a bed No pain and aches; my knees felt normal, I didn't feel the pound in my head I ran to the mirror to see how I appeared to others I had a haircut; and noticed that my beard was stubble "What the fuck?"; I whisper to myself in the mirror I run to the window; everything felt so endearing It was a utopia! The scenery was like that of a model society I'm a bum in a perfect city; I hope I do well at hiding the irony I walk outside to get a better view of perfection No aches, or withdrawals this was just a beautiful blessing! I then noticed something at first glance; then peeked up And noticed an extremely tall building covered in gigantic speakers "Ok just blend in with the citizens, and don't panic either You've got the opportunity to live forever in this land of leisure Until I noticed one thing everyone had that left me struck and alarmed Is that every single person had dozens of cuts on their arms "ATTENTION"; the speakers yelled in a voice loud enough to pierce your eardrum Everyone stopped what they were doing and were still and fearsome "IT'S TIME FOR YOUR BLOOD OATH. GIVE THANKS FOR ME PROVIDING THIS PERFECT SOCIETY" Everyone grabbed a knife and said "we're not worthy" silently It felt like a dream in my mind but my eyes were seeing different People were bleeding everywhere and some even died from the incision Suddenly, I was hoisted up by two men in black suits with masks We have a nonbeliever here! We're gonna execute his ass! Suddenly I was taking to a platform as people gathered below me "We will now murder this non believer! For his blasphemous motives!!!" I got hysterical, my hands tied so I couldn't tap on the chip The masked man looked me in my eyes and opened up the door to a pit I head growls down below my fate for them trying make an atheist out of me Then I realized I ended up living in a nightmare while trying to escape my reality. |
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dalinquent
Superior Member 
Joined: 04 June 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 4687 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 29-23-1 Form: WLLLWL |
Posted: 19 March 2015 at 5:54am |
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1, I didn't enjoy your verse much... the story was unique enough but I felt like there was way too much going on in the execution... it jus didn't read well in my opinion... didn't seem fluid... didnt really have any issues with the flow or anything, jus really felt like too much was going on. I liked the twist at the end but the journey there, imo, was to erratic.
4, Your was a much better read than your opinion, it was simple enough to not distract from the storyline. I felt like your story was better thought out as well. And it read like a story, which is always a plus... the imagery was vivid and quite often I found myself able to actually picture your character in the setting quite easily... That being said, I feel like battler 4 took this one easily, the verse was jus better executed, and the content presented was jus better received imo... props to both tho |
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Titu
Superior Member
Joined: 04 July 2013 Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥 Status: Offline Points: 4522 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-19-0 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 21 March 2015 at 6:02pm |
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Battler 1 Decent verse right there, bro. Your opening was pretty strong. However, your story was a bit confusing. You lost me couple of times. Imagery was nice but at some points, i felt like it was forced... Your rhymings were also nice during the most of it's parts. Tho, few were forced which made my interest stumble. It wasnt bad at all... Just thought it could be executed with more perfection. Flow was nice. Battler 4 Very nice. I thought you did a good job developing a story and took it forward with consistency. Those lil quotes were tied in effortlessly. Your multis were really nice during the most of its parts. 200 line had me lol.. Lol Talking about the flow, it was really good, mainly because of all the multis you incorporated. Overall, it was a good verse. I think battler 4 gets it due to the better story and slightly better execution.props to both. V/Battler 4 |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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Stupendipidous
Standard Member 
Joined: 11 September 2014 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 492 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
Posted: 22 March 2015 at 11:29pm |
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Mvgt battler 1
Better use of vocab and story telling decent thick plot following the subject given was easy to follow and entertaining wanted to keep reading really good use of multis and balancing structure was also solid Battler 4 Decent story telling also just felt that it fell off in a few places and a couple parts didn't rhyme whether this was just down to structure or the way I read it I don't know just felt like your verse wasn't on par with battler 1 but was still a decent story and plot |
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AxyRocker
Standard Member
Joined: 16 November 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1297 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-40-1 Form: LLLLWL |
Posted: 23 March 2015 at 4:55am |
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Battler 1 - The concept was seemingly nice but the only stuff I would like to mention here would be the problem with end-rhymes. I can totally swear that at places, it wasn't working for me ! I guess you may have sacrificed it for the sake of imagery but in the imagery part too, I felt some pieces hard to be connected. I mean if this was a topical for unlimited lines, you could've easily given a stuff more to connecting your story. While the story was great, I felt , it needed some work while connecting it or keeping the pieces together. It would be totally unfair if I don't give props to the way you ended it, I really liked the emotional and narrative shit going on together in your closing and Also the way you built the entire verse, it was given the finishing touch by your closer.
Battler 4 - Your verse was so fuckin dope, I really liked the way you started it by being a broke and then entering the experiment. The concept was dope as fuck and the imagery worked out throughout. I really liked the way you kept your rhyme schemes and story together till the end. I really liked the fuckin way you ended it, I was wishing till the end that the man would be able to get back by somehow tapping his hand , but in vain, that didn't happen. This unpredictability of your story was your game changer for me. This was a great concept and equally nice execution. The way you built your verse and a progressed with the story is simply remarkable. Overall - I won't say that this was very close but anyway this wasn't one-sided either, I am giving this to Battler - 4 just cuz of the fact that he kept the story together from start till the end. He was somewhat better in the flow section too. Decent Battle - Cheers !
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Exoduzt
Superior Member
NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 23 March 2015 at 5:05pm |
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Battler 1: I really enjoyed your opening section. You were descriptive and I was feeling the whole butterfly effect concept. I liked how you didn't really leave the reader guessing on where the story was going. The whole Cig and burning the couch part justified that. The only complaint I have was I'm kind of a stickler for an even kinda flow. I did think your flow was a bit off in some sections. But other sections you executed it nicely. The second section was really creative. I like the whole alien hallucinating drug concept. Your vocab I thought really shined in this section. It was on point. There was a few lines where I thought your wording was a bit off and you could have nailed the flow perfectly. For the most part tho this was pretty damn nice writing. I really liked the judgements to pungent part. The opening 2 bars in the third section you really nailed that flow perfect. Mixed with great vocab and you stayed on point with the story. Whoa at the wormhole and carousel part. That was just top notch superior writing. Thats the shit that I love reading. The closing bar with Rubicon was great. I enjoyed the way you used the internals. That flow has been on point for a while now. you haven't lost a beat. I felt you really closed the story out nicely. Although it was a little hard to understand exactly wht is going on when I re read it again I realized this is great writing. Concept wise I feel you nailed it. Great work.
Battler 4: Your first section you really opened up with some powerful emotional and extremely descriptive writing. You put a picture in my head of exactly what was going on. I could see it so clearly. that extending my portions line followed up with the chrome flask line was really well written. flow was on direct and smooth and descriptive. The the being comforted by the filth of your own rags was great. Just another example of deep writing. The problem I had with this was your experimental subject line I felt it was way stretched out and through a wrench in what was pretty much a perfect section. I did like the streetlight part tho. Your opening bar for the second section was nice. Went rite along with the story and imagery you had so far. the windows bar tho wasn't as strong flow was or content wise as the rest of your verse so far. I felt it was off base. Basically you are fucking nailing the concept and executing your story like crazy. You did exactly what your supposed to do and that keep the readers interest. Your making me want to keep on reading to see what happens. I am thoroughly impressed. Damn at your third section too. That hiding the irony part was awesome. Flow and concept wise you are executing this flawlessly. You ended this section making want to know why everyone has cuts on their arms. I'm very intrigued this is a great story so far. Holy fucking shit at this entire story and how you ended. This is one of the most intriguing well written topicals I have seen on this site. For Real that shit was crazy and I am really curious as to how you came up with this. That last line to end it escaping reality was brilliant. Whewww what a fucking battle. This was fucking amazing to be honest. Both writers should pat themselves on the back for what they came up with. But I'm gonna have to go with battler 4. That story is almost impossible to beat. It was very well executed. Absolutely great stuff here. Good shit to both of you |
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SwordedStylez
Superior Member
Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4921 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
Posted: 25 March 2015 at 1:16am |
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Battler 1
Firstly, I like your flow. I spit everything out loud before I feed, and this works nice actually. Your storytelling is nice, you aren't wasting words and your pacing is correct though I'd personally prefer "16's" rather than the irregular/varying bar counts. First stanza came in nice, second was better, third was where you were flying, the imagery took a more poetic tone here and I find that enjoyable. The fourth I like but I felt you eased off a little, the "this world isn't tactile, like solids are liquids" was excellently delivered. This was actually some solid work and you delivered both technically and creatively so good job. Battler 2 Ok your flow is decent, but your word use is often a little clumsy and that's makin you a little stumbling. Your rhyme game varies from average to "nearly excellent" here and though your slants are well used I often struggle due to my accent, you DO however force some of your multies like a mufucker, so keep an eye on that. Storytelling was good, nothing blowing my top off creativity wise but it's well developed throughout. Again I don't like the irregular bar counts, it looks sloppy and reads the same to me. First stanza came in fairly strong and I was with you then the second you lost me a little. Unfortunately your use of language is immature at times and you could use a more advanced vocabulary so that your work doesn't come across a little childish. Phrases like "and I was inside of a bed" to force the multie don't help, who says that? "I was in bed." I think you had a creative idea and you developed it well to be honest, the problem is that the writing itself is less developed/skillful and your delivery suffers massively Overall this was decent, and definitely semi-final worthy. I think against another opponent battler 2 might have had a better shot but here his use of language and storytelling techniques were simply outclassed. Battler 1 was far more polished and entertaining in his execution and the storytelling was great. My vote = Battler 1
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Shankley
Superior Member
Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
Posted: 25 March 2015 at 4:45pm |
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A really tough battle, it took a few reads to come to a decision of the winner. Two very different takes on the topic and two excellent verses. Here goes nothing...
Battler 1: I liked your story line here, I thought you had a really intricate story. You had nice multis and internal rhymes which in turn helped you have a smooth flow. I feel your first stanza was your strongest, the flow was extremely smooth and the vocab was strong as well as it was throughout your verse. The quotes you included helped and added an extra dimension to it. It is obviously a really talented writer has written this, your structure is tight as well. It was an enjoyable read, very well done bro. Battler 4: This was also a nice verse, the first thing that stands out for me is the excellent vocabulary. You obviously have an excellent grasp of language. You had a decent flow through your verse and an excellent story. The imagery included in this is also very well done, you really painted a good picture. If I was being really critical I would say your rhymes at times seemed forced or didn't rhyme as well as others. The varying line length threw me at times but nothing major. It was close to being dope just small errors prevented that. Overall a real good battle that could have gone either way, both were strong just i feel one was stronger than the other. Battler 4 i felt had a little trouble with rhymes on occasion and the flow got a little choppy at times whereas Battler 1 had a good steady flow and his rhymes were a strong point of his verse. Battler 4 had a more complex story line for me but Battler 1 executed his story slightly better. MVGT Battler 1
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E.V.P.
Standard Member
Joined: 05 September 2014 Location: Toronto Status: Offline Points: 535 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 7-4-0 Form: WWLLWL |
Posted: 27 March 2015 at 7:16am |
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Battler 1:
Content wise, I thought you were very creative and came with some interesting concepts.. As far as the topic, I felt as though you were all over the place and didn't have a solid progression in your story which in turn made it hard to remember what I was reading about.. As far as your flow and rhymes, I felt as though you brought a bit more to the table however it wasn't over the top and at times it was even awkward in my opinion. ------- Battler 4: You were able to transition through all of your verses in a way that left the reader hooked, I thought the concepts you used were a great fit together and you did an excellent job of portraying your thoughts storywise.. Overall I feel as thought you could've done more with flow and your rhyming but the story itself had better progression throughout, it was an easy read and far more on topic than your opponent, therefore I think Battler 4 deserves the win. MY VOTE GOES TO: Battler 4
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 30 March 2015 at 10:56pm |
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5-3
Battler 4 wins. Final will be up next.
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