Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round Three: Battler 2 vs Battler 7 [7 Wins]

- 20-60 Lines.

- Best of 7

- Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden

- Sunday May 7th, Midnight UK time

Check your time here

BIOME TOPIC

Marine/Ocean

http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/identity-crisis-2-round-3-rules-discussion_topic44872.html

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It should go without saying at this stage that y'all are dope ... and I don't know how else to do this other than being a pedantic nit-picking fuck ... so here goes.

B2

On land, humanity creates blight
Now due to eight bites, they set the bait tight to slaughter great whites
Marine life falling from great heights, it's not a straight fight
There's only one side of the issue that matters, it's not debate night

Starts well ... rhyming strong and punchy, ... really dope start, setting the tone nicely.

There's a lot you don't see in the motion of the ocean
Like discarded bottles of lotion set in motion
Pouring in these toxic potions, it's commotion
Enough to make me feel an explosion of emotion

This I like less.
Straightaway, 'motion of the ocean' was an instant turn off, as it's such a go-to rhyme, that I feel it should be avoided at all costs. And then to follow up with lotions, potions and more -motions ... I appreciate that they all lend themselves to the story, so must be tempting ... but didn't work for me

You saved the pandas but the coral's bleached
And no one makes an oral speech about how your moral's breached
You'll be left with an abnormal beach
While the ecosystem is changed by the many nets the saurels reached

"Coral's bleached/moral's breached" was great, perfect rhyme and smack in line with the narrative ... but I felt was let down by "Oral Speech" which seems a bit too tautological to be an actual phrase. Also it's a shame that the scheme forced you into a corner so you had to reference a fish that needed an expo ... as the expo tripped up the flow before it even started, imo

But catch and release fishing is a fish with it's body marred
Asking the other fish "wanna know how I got these scars?
You've made a toilet out of seas and rivers
Said you'd clean it up but there's no guarantees delivered

Here for the first time the rhyming complexity drops, to end-rhyme-only couplets.
But that's cool - as it's good to mix up the rhythm, and it delivers nicely.
Second couplet seemed a bit uneven on syllables though

Whaling and salmon endangered, There's tuna overfishing
Sea turtles, sea lions, now it's time to feel your own contrition
The climate is sick, and there's no physician
So now humans are to enter my waters under no condition.
You thought you had free dominion because man is clever
You made my home more acidic and now you're banned forever
No ocean will be safe, this is how I end your coup
My name's Cthulu, and I'm taking my revenge on you.

This whole wrap up section was cool ... first 4 particularly
But would benefit from reintroducing the inners in this section.
Good reveal at the end ... very nicely done.
Big fan of the Lovecraftian reference to Cthulu[sic]
(and just to clarify when is said [sic] I wasn't acknowledging it was sick so much as passive-aggressively pointing out you spelt Cthulhu wrong ... cos I'm a cunt like that)

B7

The soft moonlight shined on a serene beach
As the sand moved because of a cracking egg beneath it
In a few clean sweeps he met fresh air on his pristine beak
Blinded by light he wondered if he dreamed it
Or was this really the moment of his first sea dip
Dope right here. But I can't quite decide if it's a quirky A, B, A, B, B opener, which I fully endorse ... or intended as consistent but loose multis for first 5 lines. I'll assume the former, which is nice, but the similarity between the A and B rhymes was what tripped me up on first read. Good imagery though.

In a burst of speed it raced to the gentle waves
All alone, yet not afraid cuz destiny strengthened his mental state
very nice this, flow and wording spot on here,
Between the beach and water was a road with cars that passed each day
Every night too, in the lights hue he could see his crushed and trampled mates
Brothers and sisters that never made the pass to where freedom waits
The saddest fate for newborn turtles but this was no time to procrastinate 
good flow here too, but the length of these lines needed a little more complexity to sell them, yes I caught the 'night too / lights hue' but felt needed more. (imo).

Guided by instinct he dodged the vehicles first 
And pedestrians second, by now breathing just hurt
He got caught, felt threatened! No one to rescue him he reckoned 
Yet learned the lesson that not all people are evil, she beckoned 
A man that was present and together released him where hewas destined!
liked the rhyme scheme employed at the start of this section, with the early inner introduced on second line. thought some of the rest had weaker word choices ... reckoned/beckoned.

The suffocating but soft embrace of the water was mesmerizing 
What was once tantalizing became reality it energized him 
Fantasizing about the reunion with his family gave him strength again 
The road was long, full peril but oddly welcoming 
As his grand venture began, happiness finally settled in 
Stories he'd tell his friends as he disappeared in an ocean ever enveloping
Off goes a little turtle, just happily peddling 
mesmerizing/energised him ... found this dope! ... I like a multi that is less obvious, as it has more impact. This whole end section was well written, descriptive and poetic ... but rhyming was a little loose in places.
Final line, was perfect ... closed the piece nicely, I just wish the preceding rhymes were closer to it.

A close one. At this point I still don't know who won!

{passage of time}

Ok. Ignore all my nit-picking. Both battlers brought high quality verses.
Similar in length, just a bit more than the minimum ... and this limited the scope for story progression.
Both had accomplished descriptive skills and rhyming mechanics, but with the odd bit were I felt the word choice and rhyming could be improved. And on a final re-read I felt this applied more to one than the other, so I have a winner.

MFVGT ... The Little Turtle Who Could ... Battler 7

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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Battler 2

On land, humanity creates blight Now due to eight bites, they set the bait tight to slaughter great whites Marine life falling from great heights, it's not a straight fight There's only one side of the issue that matters, it's not debate night There's a lot you don't see in the motion of the ocean Like discarded bottles of lotion set in motion Pouring in these toxic potions, it's commotion Enough to make me feel an explosion of emotion

The first stanza is pretty much flawless. Your flow was smooth and steady and your imagery was on point. Plus the politically charged commentary seemed to be genuine. Great way to open things up.

You saved the pandas but the coral's bleached And no one makes an oral speech about how your moral's breached You'll be left with an abnormal beach While the ecosystem is changed by the many nets the saurels reached But catch and release fishing is a fish with it's body marred Asking the other fish "wanna know how I got these scars?

Well, I'm not too sure about what you're suggesting here. In my opinion there have been just as many speeches made about the conditions of the ocean as there have been about saving the pandas. Also, it's far easier to manage the killing of a single endangered species than it is to police the entirety of the ocean, which makes up 75% of the world's total volume. But, nonetheless I acknowledge your point. In any case, this was another great passage of text. The "catch and release" part was dope and the overall content seems to be very in tune with the theme of the topic. Not to mention the mechanics have been top notch thus far. Props.

You've made a toilet out of seas and rivers Said you'd clean it up but there's no guarantees delivered

I love the wording here. The last line was delivered perfectly; pun intended.

Whaling and salmon endangered, There's tuna overfishing Sea turtles, sea lions, now it's time to feel your own contrition The climate is sick, and there's no physician So now humans are to enter my waters under no condition.

The scheme much like the subject of the topic is pure liquid and very crafty in its construction.

You thought you had free dominion because man is clever You made my home more acidic and now you're banned forever No ocean will be safe, this is how I end your coup My name's Cthulu, and I'm taking my revenge on you.

I just watched that Disney movie about the South Pacific Islanders so your ending is very visual in my mind right now. Also, closing it out with a decree of banishment by an ocean god was unexpected and pretty creative. I dug it. The whole verse.



Battler 7

The soft moonlight shined on a serene beach

"... soft moonlight", that's dope. I'm loving the imagery already.

As the sand moved because of a cracking egg beneath it In a few clean sweeps he met fresh air on his pristine beak Blinded by light he wondered if he dreamed it Or was this really the moment of his first sea dip

Brodie, you're imagery is phenomenal. I can literally see everything you've written thus far in HD clarity. Your descriptive writing ability deserves recognition. Props. Also, your word choice deserves extra props!

In a burst of speed it raced to the gentle waves All alone, yet not afraid cuz destiny strengthened his mental state Between the beach and water was a road with cars that passed each day

The scheme is fluid as fuck. I have no qualms or critic. I'm just enjoying the ride.

Every night too, in the lights hue he could see his crushed and trampled mates Brothers and sisters that never made the pass to where freedom waits The saddest fate for newborn turtles but this was no time to procrastinate  Guided by instinct he dodged the vehicles first  And pedestrians second, by now breathing just hurt He got caught, felt threatened! No one to rescue him he reckoned  Yet learned the lesson that not all people are evil, she beckoned  A man that was present and together released him where hewas destined!

Tiny typo at the end, but no biggie. Again tho, I'm loving the imagery and the flow. I can visualize the tiny turtle being stuck in the middle of the road terrified as she crosses it that she might get hit or ran over before a thoughtful human aids her in a return to the sea.

The suffocating but soft embrace of the water was mesmerizing  What was once tantalizing became reality it energized him  Fantasizing about the reunion with his family gave him strength again  The road was long, full peril but oddly welcoming  As his grand venture began, happiness finally settled in  Stories he'd tell his friends as he disappeared in an ocean ever enveloping Off goes a little turtle, just happily peddling

If the turtle was a "he" then who was the "she" that "beckoned" the man for help? I'm confused. Anyway, this was a great way to end it off. For some reason it reminded me of the hobbits return to Shire and the tales they must have told their friends about the adventures they had experienced. I can only imagine from a turtle's point of view how death defying crossing a road or highway must seem. And I feel like you did an excellent job painting that picture for us.

VOTE -- B7

It's honestly not fair that one of you should lose, because you both executed your topics almost to perfection. Mechanics in both verse were near flawless. And each topic was thoughtfully put together in a very compelling way. In my opinion you both should split the dub and advance to the semi-finals. However, someone has to win. The reason I picked B7 is because I think he had a more solid narrative in terms of characterization. I could see through the eyes of his turtle and witness what he saw as the tale unfolded. So it added an extra layer of depth to his verse.

Both verses were top notch tho. I feel bad for having to choose one over the other. Props to the both of you. Excellent battle.

Peace...

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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Law, i have to add some more thoughts on battler 2 can u add it in for me please? thanks