Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round Three: Battler 3 vs Battler 6 [6 Wins] |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Topic: IC2 Round Three: Battler 3 vs Battler 6 [6 Wins] Posted: 27 April 2017 at 4:08pm |
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Identity Crisis: Round 2 - 20-60 Lines. - Best of 7 - Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden - Sunday May 7th, Midnight UK time BIOME TOPIC Jungle/Forest/Woods |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 09 May 2017 at 12:35pm | ||||||||||||||||||
Battler 3 One foot in front of the other. Lets walk. Eyes closed, lighter sparks, a flicker arcs in the dark Followed this urge that always burned in my heart To search for something, or choose a new path to embark Depart from old memories, start a new life to chart Part ways with the world, lead but follow the sun Never cared for truth but I’ve swallowed me some Hollow & numb. Broke bread to borrow the crumbs It wouldn’t take long before sorrow would come Found meaning while chugging down bottles of rum You know the type. Troubled life, gives up, hide your squabbles and run So many questions always sit at the tip of the tongue Have to ask, will you actually miss who you become? Stomach rumbles, since I’ve been walking for days Talking myself up to, “You can do this. Be Brave” Machete blade slicing through vines on the branch Trees reaching heaven, too bad my blistered hands can’t Birds singing, translate to a ‘their mocking me’ chant Keep pushing, walking, stop the talking and rants Focus Scot, eyes back on the reason we’re here Soul searching until our dreams or meaning is clear Move forward, until an angel or demon appears The wind in the trees almost screams at my ears Tears fall into sweat, blood on my knuckles for years I couldn’t fight the world. What made me think that I could battle it here? Ripples in the stream, the forests majestic veneer Can’t learn lessons in life when the skeptic is near Clouds arching the sky almost sketching my fears Visions, almost a mirage of this façade that I wear I lost my place in life, now seclusion is found Placed happiness at the foot of where confusion is now This illusion I weaved around the world that I hate I found truth is just cracking the shell around our mistakes So wait. Before you follow my tracks. . . Take my word for it One foot behind the other Turn around and go back. |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 09 May 2017 at 12:37pm | ||||||||||||||||||
Battler 6 9
"Testing! testing! ... this recording? ... (probably) To begin ... let's think ... I was born in Poverty ... (North of Coventry) Craved the 'life scientific' ... can't afford the college fee Beaten on daily ... for awkward snobbery ... (called 'talking properly!') 8 Only friends were plants and I'd talk to mine constantly So everyone said that I ought to try botany No-one's forking out grants for talking to plants So which course to advance? ... I was drawn to Biology "How Mycorrhizae Are Altered By Geography" ... (or in layman's terms) ... I'm the Jungle Expert of Fungal Networks ... yes that's right, I'm Talking Mycology! Note To Self: ... awesome title for the autobiography! 7 Yes, I've courted controversy ... from disparaging comments on Birch Fertility To my Amazon Forest Research Facility ... up in the canopy tree-top boughs ... or as my wife liked to call it our "Ewok house" she was funny ... and she worked in sync with me A twirling symphony of perfect symmetry She's Gone Now ... But I deserve no sympathy Cos I couldn't stay to watch her get worse and shrink from me 6 Inwardly ... I was harder than tungsten or granite Stayed immersed in my work on mushroom mechanics Now twenty years late, as I face the same fate I transferred her ash into something ceramic Back to Brazil for my final return ... with my wife in an urn To scatter her cancer to the Lungs of the Planet 5 But I didn't just return here as an Ode To My Celia I'm picking up my studies ... on the living threat among us ... through the 'Internet Of Fungus' ... ... that is owed to mycelia 4 To explain that ... so you can catch it easier ... It's long been known in the gathered media of academia 90% of the planets greenery are ... ... connected at the roots and adept at sharing food a method that is used ... to the benefit of any little sap that's needier Transferring carbon or the nutrients needed To the plants in the dark or where food is depleted Cos the shade of the canopy's a haven for anarchy And you have to look after the shoots and the seedlings 3 But my equipment has shown some unusual readings Found a chemical message dispersing ... aggressively And made every attempt to interpret ... obsessively But the only part of it that made any sense to me ... Was a numerical value ... that changed decrementally 2 Every member I've tested of the vegetable kingdom This identical message was detected within them A synchronised countdown ... no denying it's not The whole Kingdom of Plantae ... mobilising ... for what? 1 What happens at zero? Who's out for the count? I'll leave this recording ... we're about to find out! . . . 0 . Darkness fell ... Are the trees getting closer? It's hard to tell ... so I get braver still I saw jaguars and vipers, once wholly respected now trapped in the vines getting slowly digested then transferred as carbon, in this cancerous garden to the saplings and trees still to yet make a kill Tried to jump from my chair but was bound by liana's ... My final thought ... 'I fucking hate the sound of Cicada's'" {recording ends} http://www.bbc.co.uk/earth/story/20141111-plants-have-a-hidden-internet |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 10 May 2017 at 5:59pm | ||||||||||||||||||
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 3.. I liked the rhyme scheme here,using the same sounding vowels,shows range in vocab even though the syllables were mainly 1-2 in multi words it still effective here as it did enhances flow, this piece had a reclusive element within,tired of the life cycles you were in and went of to find one self,or to a point adventure,the story progression was subtle and nice,it also came off as pacey on reading too,I liked the scenario of the character climbing into a full bottle of rum,and then out when empty,you seemed to leave it to the reader to fill in the details/blanks which worked well here,readers participation is always a solid and reliable route to take,so props there for that inclusion, your wording was good on the whole too,the verses approach i feel was simplistic with an added edge via innocents,that the vibe i got from this piece,it had a tried and tested formula via concept,a person who has turned his back on society to make his own way,I do however feel your description of a jungle/forest was good but sparse within the actual story,but you did enough to create the image still,yeah an enjoyable read.. Battler 6.. Holy shit i almost thought for a minute you were a botanist,you really did capture the forest/jungle vibe here, the detail/imagery was ripe from saplings to fungus,even vines that digest enzymes, which then turn into nutrients for the forest community,you certainly did your homework eh,although it had more length to it than battler 4,you made good use of that via this course,it was brimming with Imagery,I liked the way you opened this like you was dictaphoning you findings,you started out by giving your character a back story which also helped with the depth of this verse,plus coupled with the cancer element and spreading ashes and the way the greenery acts just capped it all off really,this verse had a little bit of everything,emotion via the death of your spouse,content vocab and even factual matter,you wording was good as to the placing of them on the whole,this was a creative piece that had me hooked and wanting more, your flow was also popping throughout as well,a ripe read.. Overall well done guys,good verses from both here,but there is a winner and for me it was battler 6,i found his piece more compelling via the details they included,it just sat better with my preference on the whole,battler 3 props here go to you also,I feel you were just outclassed today.. Vote...Battler 6.peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
Posted: 10 May 2017 at 7:45pm | ||||||||||||||||||
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. One foot in front of the other. Lets walk. Eyes closed, lighter sparks, a flicker arcs in the dark Followed this urge that always burned in my heart To search for something, or choose a new path to embark Depart from old memories, start a new life to chart Part ways with the world, lead but follow the sun Never cared for truth but I’ve swallowed me some that last line is a real dose of reality. I felt this started a bit awkward. it had a real tone to the narrative.. then just kinda breezed past it like the setup was irrelevant. in particular, the opening four words.. thats narrative. thats leading… but it doesnt take us anywhere in the grand scheme. like it so far.. just wish it was more directed. Hollow & numb. Broke bread to borrow the crumbs It wouldn’t take long before sorrow would come Found meaning while chugging down bottles of rum You know the type. Troubled life, gives up, hide your squabbles and run So many questions always sit at the tip of the tongue Have to ask, will you actually miss who you become? Stomach rumbles, since I’ve been walking for days Talking myself up to, “You can do this. Be Brave” this section is pretty potent. loved the wording on the first line alot. the self aware bits were well done and I liked the sharing of the inner dialogue as well. Machete blade slicing through vines on the branch Trees reaching heaven, too bad my blistered hands can’t not a fan. Birds singing, translate to a ‘their mocking me’ chant Keep pushing, walking, stop the talking and rants kinda going into fuck it mode here. there was so much more room to use to bring some real clarity that "stop the talking and rants" just doesnt do. the mechanics are alive and well. the flow is smooth. but this is topical. words are the focal and that left like lost time. Focus Scot, eyes back on the reason we’re here Soul searching until our dreams or meaning is clear Move forward, until an angel or demon appears The wind in the trees almost screams at my ears the focus bit seemed a bit foretelling..or is it foreshadowing? anyway. this was good. kept the "march" theme going. I like the direction of the piece. Tears fall into sweat, blood on my knuckles for years I couldn’t fight the world. What made me think that I could battle it here? Ripples in the stream, the forests majestic veneer dope. Can’t learn lessons in life when the skeptic is near Clouds arching the sky almost sketching my fears Visions, almost a mirage of this façade that I wear I lost my place in life, now seclusion is found Placed happiness at the foot of where confusion is now where was this earlier in the piece!!! This illusion I weaved around the world that I hate I found truth is just cracking the shell around our mistakes So wait. Before you follow my tracks. . . Take my word for it One foot behind the other Turn around and go back. dug how you wove the tie in to the intro. that was pretty slick. I liked the verse. felt you definitely had some spots where you couldve quite possibly been verse of the round. but alas.. ----------- "Testing! testing! ... this recording? ... (probably) To begin ... let's think ... I was born in Poverty ... (North of Coventry) Craved the 'life scientific' ... can't afford the college fee Beaten on daily ... for awkward snobbery ... (called 'talking properly!') intro is a bit wonky, but cheerio for the comedy and lets hope this is ace and not pants. pip pip 8 Only friends were plants and I'd talk to mine constantly So everyone said that I ought to try botany No-one's forking out grants for talking to plants So which course to advance? ... I was drawn to Biology I like this section, the mechanics are present, but your highlight is really the comedy angle. "How Mycorrhizae Are Altered By Geography" ... (or in layman's terms) ... I'm the Jungle Expert of Fungal Networks ... yes that's right, I'm Talking Mycology! Note To Self: ... awesome title for the autobiography! 7 heh, this guy is a sarcastic fuckwitt, hes perfect for LA. link em the url. Yes, I've courted controversy ... from disparaging comments on Birch Fertility To my Amazon Forest Research Facility ... up in the canopy tree-top boughs ... or as my wife liked to call it our "Ewok house" this guy is chipper as fuck. she was funny ... and she worked in sync with me A twirling symphony of perfect symmetry She's Gone Now ... But I deserve no sympathy Cos I couldn't stay to watch her get worse and shrink from me 6 meh.. just kinda brushed aside some solid narrative. I get hes using comedy to mask his pain, but certaintly he needs a humanizing element or quality. not many people are quirky chipper researchers of all things fungal. this was the branch that reached out to us and its like…bitch wasnt doing good..oh well. maybe thats the plan. but even then couldve been a bit better done..give her a name.. what EXACTLY happened, etc.. Inwardly ... I was harder than tungsten or granite Stayed immersed in my work on mushroom mechanics Now twenty years late, as I face the same fate I transferred her ash into something ceramic Back to Brazil for my final return ... with my wife in an urn To scatter her cancer to the Lungs of the Planet 5 we ten bars deep and have no idea about this lady. just thinking about someone in a frantic rambling mood. they usually blurt random shit.. like "Sharon loved a tea..mixed with (insert google researched plant leaf here) yada yada yada and I remember her floral blouses she wore with coral trousers.. oh that hoot.. she loved the flute.. but nothing like a yute that got her loose.. whewwwww. this is just structured in a manner that doesnt come off as chaotic as a narrative might be for someone so chipper. But I didn't just return here as an Ode To My Celia I'm picking up my studies ... on the living threat among us ... through the 'Internet Of Fungus' ... ... that is owed to mycelia 4 meh. To explain that ... so you can catch it easier ... It's long been known in the gathered media of academia 90% of the planets greenery are ... ... connected at the roots and adept at sharing food a method that is used ... to the benefit of any little sap that's needier Transferring carbon or the nutrients needed To the plants in the dark or where food is depleted Cos the shade of the canopy's a haven for anarchy And you have to look after the shoots and the seedlings 3 …. But my equipment has shown some unusual readings Found a chemical message dispersing ... aggressively And made every attempt to interpret ... obsessively But the only part of it that made any sense to me ... Was a numerical value ... that changed decrementally 2 atleast youre writing now and not re-hashing a google article. Every member I've tested of the vegetable kingdom This identical message was detected within them A synchronised countdown ... no denying it's not The whole Kingdom of Plantae ... mobilising ... for what? 1 What happens at zero? Who's out for the count? I'll leave this recording ... we're about to find out! . . . 0 . Darkness fell ... Are the trees getting closer? It's hard to tell ... so I get braver still I saw jaguars and vipers, once wholly respected now trapped in the vines getting slowly digested then transferred as carbon, in this cancerous garden to the saplings and trees still to yet make a kill Tried to jump from my chair but was bound by liana's ... My final thought ... 'I fucking hate the sound of Cicada's'" {recording ends} this was cool..had a nice little twist of little shop of horrors meets jumanji at the end. pretty cool overall. this battle was another close one. I feel like 3 ran a good narrative, but slipped up and got lazy at times. wasnt really focused. I felt like 6 started off killing it. then decided lets just load up google and make shit rhyme from a random article(s)...which is cool I guess? but it didnt feel natural. overall, you both had some high spots.. and some spots that coulda been axed to make room for more cohesive progression. tough call… but since 6 didnt get lazy with the content (just how he used it.. ) I suppose he earns the win. vote = 6 for being able to rhyme news articles. |
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#Bananas
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
Posted: 13 May 2017 at 2:31am | ||||||||||||||||||
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 3: I loved the fluidness of your verse man. It was something to be admired. In your first stanza you had some really nice bars that got to me. Lead but follow the sun/break bread to borrow the crumbs. Man that right there was so genuine. I understood the positioning of your verse (I think, PM me after the tourney to discuss) but this gentleman really secluded himself from the world in a depression. I almost got the feeling that he regretted doing so? As I understand the verse and I like the meaning and passion behind it I was looking for more biome relevance. Battler 6: You win the creative category in this battle for sure. I loved the concept and how it came to be. Also you delivered some truth in your fictitious story which gave it legitimate depth. I liked the count down and I liked how you used the scientific approach to your writing. My highlights are with the beginning as it seems comes off like a crazy man rants. With little quips and some digression in thought. It made a deeper connection as I learned his wife has passed and how he came to be alone and imbedded into his work even more. I liked the observation of the jungle animals being used as food and it was overall a fresh concept. Vote: Battler 6 |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 18 May 2017 at 10:21pm | ||||||||||||||||||
Self Activates Vote
Battler 3
That last line is dope! Your mechanics are crisp and your flow is deep in the pocket. All of which makes for a very clear and streamlined read.
I'm digging your clever ability to turn a phrase and make it seem impactful. It's just dope and entertaining stuff to read.
Another example of the aforementioned. Just very clever and exciting writing displayed here. Also, your rhyming technique is pretty slick. I love how your scheme seems to moves in and out of itself. In fact, it reads audio ready while still possessing the high-level type of content we all expect out of a topical joint. Props.
Okay, now we are getting into the meat of the verse and it's purpose. I like the imagery and how it connects to the topic in a very vivid fashion. I'm in the dense jungle with you. I'm chopping branches alongside you as we swat tropical bugs and sweat like stuffed pigs (whatever that means). Again, dopeness. I feel transported.
Ill shit. You seem to have take inspiration from the book 'Into the Wild'. I respect it. Interesting angle to attempt.
Exactly! You gotta think thing these sort of things through. lol.
Well, that's a perfect way to end it and to bring it all full circle. The wording was immaculate and the flow was strong throughout. Overall, this was a very introspective verse combined with sturdy mechanics from top-to-bottom. Props indeed. Battler 6
Dope as fuck! I loved the backstory. I loved the flow. I loved the whole intro.
Personally, I usually try to steer clear of obscure or hard to pronounce words because as a reader trying to sound it out kills the momentum of the flow and creates unnecessary pauses which disrupts the read and may cause some people to not want to continue. However, since this is a topical tourney meant to showcase the higher level type of writing, I do understand why you chose to incorporate such vocabulary, but I think in the future if you are going to include similar complexity in word selection than perhaps using "•" to help break the words down and sound them out more easily will serve as a benefit to the overall fluency of the read. Just an observation and suggestion. In any case, I'm loving the story thus far and the campy vibe it exudes.
Lol.
I'm digging the inners and slants you're employing. It gives the verse a very free flowing rhythm. It seems unrestrained and casual, which makes it read like a conversation in real time. I also think you have a shit ton of character and charisma within your lines. [quotes]she was funny ... and she worked in sync with me A twirling symphony of perfect symmetry She's Gone Now ... But I deserve no sympathy Cos I couldn't stay to watch her get worse and shrink from me[/quote] Again, the word that comes to mind is charisma. You have a lot of it in this verse. It's very genuine and believable.
Dope! Expertly worded!
Ehhh ... you almost had it, but you lost it at the end. I think you waited too long to return to the "anit" sound which made the end read stretched.
Dope wordplay and interesting angle.
I love the wording!
You have a lot of inners going on, but you need stronger end rhymes. Because in some spots it just seems like you're talking and not really rhyming because you're putting so much space in between your more pronounced rhymes. Of course depending on tempo that may not be the case, but I'm not sure what tempo your using. So speaking in general and reading this at normal speed you need to tighten up on the end and compound rhymes.
The rhymes are too lax for my taste. They rely too much on the suffix and not enough on the root sound. It's too easy.
I'm still having the same gripe with the rhyming, but the imagery is phenomenal. Especially that last line. I feel like incredible amount of detail and imagination were put into these lines.
Lol...I love the ending. VOTE--B6 My brain told me to pick B3, because he had the more technically sound verse. However, after re:reading both pieces again, my gut told me to go with B2 because though he didn't have as sound a verse as his opponent did, his piece still however contained spurts of technical brilliance and his overall story was insanely imaginative and creative. I just found it very fun to read and in some moments even educational as well. I think B3 had extremely clever turn of phrases and expert level technique, but his story wasn't as colorful as his competition's jungle tale. I guess for me that made the difference. Great battle nonetheless. I can see it going either way. |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 18 May 2017 at 10:22pm | ||||||||||||||||||
Not sure what the fuck happened but I accidently deleted his vote. Fortunately, I was able to hit the back button to copy it. I'll make sure you an extra good vote status somewhere.
6 Wins
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