Topic Closed Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round Three: Battler 4 vs Battler 5 [4 Wins]

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Direct Link To This Post Topic: IC2 Round Three: Battler 4 vs Battler 5 [4 Wins]
    Posted: 27 April 2017 at 4:09pm
Identity Crisis: Round 2

- 20-60 Lines.
- Best of 7
- Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden
- Sunday May 7th, Midnight UK time

BIOME TOPIC

Desert

Go my Minions!


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 12:38pm
Battler 4

"... so was it "magic" or drugs? Shrooms & acid or bud? 
What the cat got your tongue? Cos your acting like ..."


"Hush! Stop that racket and trust that there's magic in us!" 

"Well, the fact that you just made it back after months ..
of hunting in the desert with a quack! I mean monk .."


"He's a shaman .. sis you're dumb! Listen Charlotte 
shit I'm done with explaining what it was ..."

"Okay, Roger I'll succumb, I won't jump to conclusions 
or assume you're on drugs"


"Well, I'll tell you just because, but don't you interrupt, 
bite your tongue and zip it up as I take you on a journey 
that's forbidden to discuss! But fuck it buckle up!"



It begins with a drum and a hum in the wind
that was coming from a hut made of mud & of brick
that was dried in the sun for at least 1 hundred cycles 
such a primative construction if you judged it on arrival 
as I walked I slung my rifle right over my right shoulder 
and the closer that I trudged I could smell a fire smolder
as a row of desert rodents slowly roasted in the open
next to half a dozen cans of corroded Coca~Cola ...
that had rusted in the sand, which was orange 
as tangerines ... it was gorgeous as a dream
but all scenery aside I was scortching in the heat
it was 43 degrees and that's Celsius indeed ...
I was desperately in need of some shelter & relief!

...That's when I heard em speak ...

"You're welcome to a drink", said a raspy old voice
as the drum beating ceased, "come in & take a seat"
I proceeded as instructed, propped my rifle by the door
his interior was rustic, filled with stuff from tribal wars
such as spears & bow & arrows from "the time of dinosaurs"
or so that's what he told me as his crippled hands poured ...

"You've come to hunt the beast that no man has ever killed
thus you've voyaged overseas in the hopes you will fulfill ...
the dream of every hunter from the jungle made of steel
and though you lack the build I will help you on your quest ...
to prove you have the skill, but you truly need some rest"
 

And in that very second I felt woozy and exhausted ...
as the room started moving I had quickly gone unconscious 
cos the juice that he offered was some sort of concoction 
Of a hypnotic tonic and Australian Iowaska 

I awoke inside a cave next to faces on the wall 
what I saw was awfully strange like a painting that could talk
and an ancient illustration of a saber come to life
as a stick figure tribe tried to kill it with their knives!
While at the same time there was humming in my ears
it was coming from the entrance where the sunlight made it clear
I was somewhere in the desert but the atmosphere was weird
as a technocolored cloud rained down atoms trapped in tears
as the ground cracked open and the shaman reappeared ...
100 feet tall with a gold encrusted spear! 

"I have spoken with the spirits and their judgement is supreme 
instead of hunting what you covet you'll become the hunted beast! 
Until you understand that you're just a puzzle piece and the purpose 
of all life is to find a subtle peace!"

What happened after that is a story for the ages
and I'll tell it when I'm settled but for now I need a blanket
the journey was intense and I'm tired from the trip ...
I retire then I drift ... back ... to that simple hut 
in the middle of the desert where I still hear the drums!


Edited by The Law - 10 May 2017 at 7:22pm
Go my Minions!


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 12:38pm
Battler 5

The Mysterys Mystery Misery 


scholars have long sought to solve my riddle
fought, argued dialogue and involved the temples
what if it all was simple? 

my prologue, designed to dissolve the issues. 

The Great Sphinx, theyve gone to great lengths
to circumvent my purposes - create dissent
in other words…. paint me. this is gangrene. 
I am a body of many beings. Buddha's Great Chi
before the sands of time, under water, waist deep
dreamers like Edgar Cayce
harnessed the energy of the dead sea - 
for fresh streams… 
more chains and links than a ten speed. 
but we ain't there yet. 

John Anthony West…

teamed with Robert M. Schoch, a geologist
egyptologist turned apologists for politics
they were sorry for uncovering the truth. 
the sleeping prophet acknowledged
that knowledge was under my right paw, in a room.
what did my countrymen do? 
banished any theatrics, these two championed.
kaboom. 

so I sit, holding lifes mysteries
while wise epiphanys, are disguised as villiany
border lines are fortified to avoid a pillage spree
tourism is key, the world belongs to greed. 
but I am just smoke and mirrors, treated as royalty

my inventors buried me. changed my biome
figured we'd find hope in a time when life slowed
'once the dust settled' - poetically tribal
the dirt of the past, re-occuring, eventually stifled

I am not a monument, I am a sarcophagus
a constant reminder, of what went wrong w/ them
the wrapper that holds grand grandeur, 
to the cognitive, I am wisdom
my building blocks are schism - 
only truth seekers shall find their side of the spectrum

the same thing that caged me - has frayed me
the desert was never my vessel, now take heed
ancient ancestors left footprints we cant measure
whats a few tunnels, im dying to the sands pressure
in a race to the future, we can't catch up
cause we're caught up on the pasts, vast treasure

I promised Tuthmosis during a slumber near me
if he unearthed me, a healthy hundred year reign
he just continued his restoration campaign

if you want the truth, you have to earn it
arguing my faces original characteristics
doesn't take mad courage - the planet turnth
deteriorating in the subterranean furnance
ya'll aint gotta 'dig it' but I dont want no bitchin'
when you find out the uranium wasn't worth it. 

time and space are a small equation 
of whats in store behind these doors
…..under my paws engraving. 

crack Al Capones safe, the vault is waiting
tomb robbers can't exhume, no debating 
the real Mother Of All Bombs 
seismograph's couldn't record what I gate keep
In the Land of The Pharaohs, they remained sheep
because just like you… they praised me.
Go my Minions!


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 May 2017 at 11:37am

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Battler 4..


Liked the way you opened here,with a question/answer scenario between siblings,i thought this set the mood up right for what was to follow,i must admit rhyming
about the desert is not really that easy,as there's is on the norm fuck all in a desert
except sand sun and lizzards,but here you it seems the shaman lives on the outskirts of one,the description with the rusted Coke cans and the rodent BBQ was nice,i could
easily envisage that scene,the flow at the start of the story was in the meh realm,but that isn't to much of an issue as your flow on the whole was solid, the full circle of
ending where it started was also a nice touch,and a creative way to end a piece too,
although in this drop your rhyme scheme was popping overall,(yeah you did in parts
have some lines that didn't rhyme,but the fact they kept within the tale and still added
imagery worked),it read to me like the shaman was the desert beast,and the paintings
playing out history was quite clever and vivid,also being free of similes and plays was
a refreshing course to take here,it also had a hidden sprite feel about it which in turn
just gave the verse a boost,it came off as simple in content/vocab but it did work to your favour going this route,(there's a lot to be said an had about simplicity,like here),
solid read which i really enjoyed..



Battler 5..


Yeah this was worded nicely,the contents stood up and out also on reading,the flicking
between the new and old world was a nice incorporation i thought,(Pharaoh's/Edgar
Casey/Sphinx),whilst reading i had visions of Carter discovering king Tutankhamun
chamber for Lord Canarvon,and encountering and unleashing the curse for disturbing
his rest and shit,it was really well put together and thought out tale,which in truth also
had some very broad based facts,the imagery was ripe as too was the plays/similes,
the word placements were also popping,the appeal for me,(besides flow/literature)
was the crossing of time periods,you also had some good references to other parts of
the old/new world,Buddha/Capone being another, this was a real creative piece,(like
the lamp that struck gold in the Pharaoh's resting chamber, it had a shine about it),a
really ripe and engaging read here,your rhyme scheme was good in fact there isn't
much I didn't like on the whole, a real solid read..


Overall mad props to both battlers here,enjoyable take on a arrid place via a topical,
both brought along solid offerings and solid imagery,and really creative storyline,but
for me there is a winner and that was Battler 5,heres why,not only for their literature,
but for the story's dynamics,it was more to my liking and preference,battler 4,it pains
me to vote against you as you too brought a solid piece to the table,so props here to
you just battler 5 was on some other shit this day..


Vote...Battler 5..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 May 2017 at 3:59am

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  Battler 4:  The whole first stanza of the back and forth dialogue was pretty fucking awesome.  It's so hard to carry a flow that way but you managed to do it.  You even had one character interrupt the other one and it still flowed nice.  Thats fucking amazing in my book.  I also like how it was the introduction to your verse.  Ballsy way to start off but you nailed it as far as I'm concerned.   

"It begins with a drum and a hum in the wind
that was coming from a hut made of mud & of brick
that was dried in the sun for at least 1 hundred cycles 
such a primative construction if you judged it on arrival 
as I walked I slung my rifle right over my right shoulder 
and the closer that I trudged I could smell a fire smolder"---The flow was on point for the most part and you painted the picture of where your going but the 2 rights in the fifth line threw it off for me a bit.  The next 2 lines with the rodents and cola was fucking nice tho.  It's always a plus when the surroundings are described like that.  


"   as tangerines ... it was gorgeous as a dream
but all scenery aside I was scortching in the heat
it was 43 degrees and that's Celsius indeed ...
I was desperately in need of some shelter & relief!"---I loved the flow the multies and your unorthdox way you placed "as tangerines in the next line from the previous.  Yor carrying the story on with pretty much amazing mechanics and my type of writing.


"   ...That's when I heard em speak ...

"You're welcome to a drink", said a raspy old voice
as the drum beating ceased, "come in & take a seat"
I proceeded as instructed, propped my rifle by the door
his interior was rustic, filled with stuff from tribal wars
such as spears & bow & arrows from "the time of dinosaurs"
or so that's what he told me as his crippled hands poured ...

"You've come to hunt the beast that no man has ever killed
thus you've voyaged overseas in the hopes you will fulfill ...
the dream of every hunter from the jungle made of steel
and though you lack the build I will help you on your quest ...
to prove you have the skill, but you truly need some rest"
 "----I mean for me personally....Thats my type of writing that I strive to be.  I try to fill my verses with internals and  make my multies perfect but this here is a beautiful representation of how you can say/do more with less.   I loved this section.  So easy going and stayed on topic.


"   I awoke inside a cave next to faces on the wall 
what I saw was awfully strange like a painting that could talk
and an ancient illustration of a saber come to life
as a stick figure tribe tried to kill it with their knives!
While at the same time there was humming in my ears
it was coming from the entrance where the sunlight made it clear
I was somewhere in the desert but the atmosphere was weird
as a technocolored cloud rained down atoms trapped in tears
as the ground cracked open and the shaman reappeared ...
100 feet tall with a gold encrusted spear! "-----This whole segment was right down my alley.  I love the way you make lines flow without stresing that multi syllable shit.  That technocolored rsin and the atoms trapped in tears tho.  Some  tripping balls shit.  I been there.  the gold encrusted spear seemed a bit off to me tho.


"    "I have spoken with the spirits and their judgement is supreme 
instead of hunting what you covet you'll become the hunted beast! 
Until you understand that you're just a puzzle piece and the purpose 
of all life is to find a subtle peace!""---wasn't a big fan of this segment.   Seemed a bit rushed and wasn't to the same high caliber as the rest of your verse.  As for the last segment too.  I knew the character was tripping and how it relates to the open dialogue in the beginning but I felt it lacked that powerful closure for an ending.  I feel a bit like I'm left hanging in a way.   I mean you mechanics were great and the writing was dope.  I loved the story up until the ending.  But I did like the how it connected to the prequel so to speak. 


Battler 5:     The opening part was really good mechanic wise.  The flow was also there.

"  scholars have long sought to solve my riddle
fought, argued dialogue and involved the temples
what if it all was simple? 

my prologue, designed to dissolve the issues. "---    Loved the opening part.


"   The Great Sphinx, theyve gone to great lengths
to circumvent my purposes - create dissent
in other words…. paint me. this is gangrene. 
I am a body of many beings. Buddha's Great Chi
before the sands of time, under water, waist deep
dreamers like Edgar Cayce
harnessed the energy of the dead sea - 
for fresh streams… 
more chains and links than a ten speed. 
but we ain't there yet. 

John Anthony West…"---The flow on this is good.  I got into it.  I loved the Edgar Cayce reference.  I feel at this point your lacking on the details of a topical tho.  I mean I feel you have to be more descriptive and really get into the story line.

"   teamed with Robert M. Schoch, a geologist
egyptologist turned apologists for politics
they were sorry for uncovering the truth. 
the sleeping prophet acknowledged
that knowledge was under my right paw, in a room.
what did my countrymen do? 
banished any theatrics, these two championed.
kaboom. "---I absolutely loved how you did your research on this topic.  I googled a name or 2 just so I can relate more to your topic.   I think thats fucking awesome.  Your rhyme scheme is dope but I feel it needs more action.  You need to beef it up a bit. 


"   so I sit, holding lifes mysteries
while wise epiphanys, are disguised as villiany
border lines are fortified to avoid a pillage spree
tourism is key, the world belongs to greed. 
but I am just smoke and mirrors, treated as royalty

my inventors buried me. changed my biome
figured we'd find hope in a time when life slowed
'once the dust settled' - poetically tribal
the dirt of the past, re-occuring, eventually stifled"---Loved the first half of the first section.  Awesome stuff.  The tourism is key really threw it off for me tho.  Bad choice of words in my opinion. After that it was pretty good.   I just wish you were more into describing whats going on.  I'm all about the details.


"    I am not a monument, I am a sarcophagus
a constant reminder, of what went wrong w/ them
the wrapper that holds grand grandeur, 
to the cognitive, I am wisdom
my building blocks are schism - 
only truth seekers shall find their side of the spectrum

the same thing that caged me - has frayed me
the desert was never my vessel, now take heed
ancient ancestors left footprints we cant measure
whats a few tunnels, im dying to the sands pressure
in a race to the future, we can't catch up
cause we're caught up on the pasts, vast treasure"---- Well I had to google  Sarcophagus but I'm glad I did.   I thought the way you described the sands pressure was brilliant.  Your verse took on a whole new meaning.  I love the research you did on this.  I love having to step out the box and really understand someones verse.  

"   I promised Tuthmosis during a slumber near me
if he unearthed me, a healthy hundred year reign
he just continued his restoration campaign---Ehhh wasn't a big fan of this section.  

if you want the truth, you have to earn it
arguing my faces original characteristics
doesn't take mad courage - the planet turnth
deteriorating in the subterranean furnance
ya'll aint gotta 'dig it' but I dont want no bitchin'
when you find out the uranium wasn't worth it. "------I liked the rhyme scheme on this and thought you nailed it.  Also liked where you brought the story...


"   time and space are a small equation 
of whats in store behind these doors
…..under my paws engraving. 

crack Al Capones safe, the vault is waiting
tomb robbers can't exhume, no debating 
the real Mother Of All Bombs 
seismograph's couldn't record what I gate keep
In the Land of The Pharaohs, they remained sheep
because just like you… they praised me."----Wow...ok.   You had a completely different take on the biome subject which I love and respect.   I really was feeling your ending and just the way you brought out the topic.  I would of like more detail in descriptiveness because you had great detail in your research.

MVGT:  Battler 4...I mean this might be the toughest battle I ever voted on.   Both verses were amazing and each had their own hot spots.   I feel battler 4 was a bit closer to the Desert aspect....and thats the only reason why battler 4 will get my vote....Shit this was one close battle.   thanks to both for amazing reads!





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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2017 at 2:15am

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Battler 4: What.a.verse! Kudos. I liked the dialog/conversation in the beginning. Quite frankly, I usually hate when conversations are used in verses bc to me it seems forced. However, your technical abilities shined as you made it seamless and it carried even further into the meat and potatoes of the drop. Loved the dinosaur tribal war bit! I loved the descriptions used, like the cracked desert land and the coke cans. It really added depth to the experience the guy was going through. When he sat down and little descriptive traits such as leaning the rifle and the guy pouring out the drink. You included senses and emotions attached to those actions and it made this piece really enjoyable. On top of that, the cadence and delivery was pair with high level schemes. It was a load of fun to read this.

Battler 5: Excellent verse as well! Yours completely differed from your opponents. The overall feel was different. I loved the pharaoh references and the sphinx. I'd like to say your verse was "deeper" than your counterpart but I don't know if that is the exact verbiage I'm looking for. Nonetheless I liked the work presented. Furthermore, I was looking for more of a story. Which is something that I think your piece lacked. I am struggling to make the connection that I had with 4s verse. However with that said, I think you have a strong poetic approach that is definitely powerful in that sense I just was just looking for more. The highlights of your verse was the waist deep/great chi scheme was really tight as well as your closing lines.

Vote: Battler 4
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 May 2017 at 12:54am

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Battler 4, awesome verse! i really dug the story. If i'm correct, i felt like this was somehow related to either purgatory or karma or something like that. A dude came back from the desert - seemingly traumatize and explain his plight. I really love the way you painted the atmosphere. it was very vivid. from rustic can to the orange sand, it was all high definition lol. my qualm, though is the mechanics. It was far from bad but compared to ur opponent, it was almost plain. And i've always felt that if ur gonna write a long story, trick readers into making it seem short, lol, and i think rhyme techniques are often a good way to do that. BUT...i will say, despite that very minor qualm, the story itself saved the day as it DID move the piece along nicely. good shit man/woman lol.

battler 5, fiyah!! reading this, i had the X-files tune playing in my head lol...and i don't know why! Enlightenment seems to be the underlying theme of this piece. I'm pretty sure as there were allusions to buddah, Edgar Caycee and hieroglyphics. The mechanics was off the chain here. its one thing to have complex flow but another to do so without wording hiccups and you pretty much achieved that here. 

John Anthony West…

teamed with Robert M. Schoch, a geologist

that was clever. you continue the multi at the very beginning of the next line "West teamed". That's something i do that nobody seems to give a shit about which makes me sad sometimes lol. Wording was dope here. Great amalgamation of poetics and straightforward dictions. really enjoyed it.

vote/battler 5. This was the classic clash of style. one took a linear storylined approach while the other took a more topical based. At this point in the tourney its really a matter of taste/entertainment because...i mean really, are any of these verses bad? no. With that said, i did enjoy battler 5 slightly more due to the writing prowess and concept. well done, yall.


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 May 2017 at 6:55pm

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Mobile vote; short but sweet.

B4:

Oh my... this was so incredibly descriptive. What actually did it for me was the rusted coca cola cans. Sometimes when I think back of papa fatherland I remember the cans lying everywhere and you line handed nostalgia on a platter. The rhyme scheme was... unusual. Some part flowed very well and other parts I couldn't get a hang of. Regardless, the story is told exceptionally well. One of the best vivid ones I have seen.

B5:

Oh my, ancient Egypt? You're speaking my language now. Drew me in immediately with the title and never let me go. Whilst yours wasn't as vivid as the previous battler (due to the somewhat cryptic nature) I found your flow much easier to follow. Doesn't mean your rhyme scheme was wack, but it worked better for me. I loved the "egyptologist turned apologist" section and you had more of these simple worded, but excellent lines.


Vote: B4

In all honesty this is such a good battle it could go for the finals. Both of you came exceptionally strong but to me B4 took the cake. Just because the story is so well written that when I close my eyes, I can see it playing out as a movie. Really wish this was the finals though. Great job to the both of you.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 May 2017 at 12:12am

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Battler 4
first off I like to say the way you structured the verse was cool and it helped with the narrative the progression of the story was something I really liked had me hooked for the next line and none of it was boring or out of place it fit together good with a steady flow to it and the switching up of characters was a nice touch it added an extra layer
I found it funny in spots to like the not assuming he's on drugs you can almost feel the way the words were intended to be delivered , nice delivery lol
And the row of roasted rodents and rusted cola cans probably one of my fav parts of the verse really pictured the imagery you painted a wicket pictured of the desert threw this verse and kept it entertaining
The saber coming to life with the stick man knife shit it kept me interested and than the shaman was a nice touch this verse had many layers to it enjoyed reading it

Battler 5
Reading your verse after battler 4s verse was like night and day to me
You were not able to capture my attention the way the first verse did
Your transitions were not as smooth now your verse wasn't bad at all but when comparing it to the first verse
Battler 4 takes the cake by a long shot for me in my preference

It's like I was waiting for battler 5 to come to and end
And I didn't want battler 4 to finish it so soon

So for leaving me wanting more battler 4 get my fair vote
See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so
warn the mother fucking people
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 May 2017 at 10:24pm
Battler 4 Wins
Go my Minions!


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