Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round Two: Battler 6 vs Battler 11 [6 Wins]

- 20-60 Lines 

- Best of 7.

- Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden

- Wednesday April 19th, Midnight UK time

Check your time here

TOPIC

 In the link below is your topic/round theme.

Click Here

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

---

Keeping it at one hundred here so I got to say this battle was underwhelming
Both writers seemed to struggle with Bringing forth an engaging Concept or storyline...
Battler Eleven, that was way too short for the second round of the tournament! I did enjoy some of the word choice and the rhyming was good, like fumigation/tune of Hades, 
You had some nice use of multis and transitional/internal workings but as a Topical piece it lacked conviction and direction..
The title Lagoon conjures up some dope potential for story telling but you didn't deliver the aspect! Arguably the main ingredient......
Battler Six, I thought you tried harder to bring us a story but it did get very confusing and ultimately I did not find it enjoyable to read!
The Concept was good but the execution was lacking and the whole thing boiled down to nothing in the end.
Like your opponent you also had some good word choice and rhyming was tight for most of the work...

Verdict.
It's close here, with all due respect I have to say neither verse had that extra element to set them apart
I will have to give it to the one who I feel has the better chance to push on further
VOTE 6

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

---

Battler 6: Peaks and troughs here. When it was good, it was impressive. When it was sloppy, it was awkward to read. Negative wise, I think the flow was inconsistent, and in some sections, mainly the first, it wasn't all that fluid to read. You need to keep at eye on your wording and how your content with read for the audience. However, when it was good, it was really good. Particularly liked this part-

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

---

Battler 6

To whomever this may concern, It's already too late for me, like many I too have fallen Leave this place! It's cursed and evil, a gruesome problem She won't rest for she is cruel and brutal in her secluded Sodom I only pray you make it out alive as she's fueled by horror

The word "horror" doesn't technically rhyme with any other word within your scheme, but I suppose it's close enough. In any case, this was one hell of an intro. I loved the tone it was written in, the dark and solemn atmosphere it creates, and the language you chose to employ. I also liked the Sodom (and Gomorrah) reference quite a bit. Superb way to open things up and suck the reader right in.

The rose of Iris, once a gift from her lover early departed A bandit in nature, yet kind even though he was close to heartless He rose to stardom through infamy and his soul he bargained The mangy vagrant granted him immortality and as coal he darkened Yet she loved him regardless...

A "bandit in nature" or did you mean to say a "bandit by nature"? I ask because the former is phrased oddly and I'm not sure if it's intended to be taking as literal fact or metaphorical. However, the word "infamy" leads me to believe he must be some sort of criminal or outlaw, so I guess I should take it literally. Aside from that tiny confusion I think you did a fairly good job describing his character. Him selling his soul to the devil for immortality is pretty interesting and I like the bit about his soul being likened to coal. That was a nice touch.

In the bedroom her corpse remains besides a withered flower It was supposed to aid her, a so called relic of infinite power Her innocence devoured by an insolent coward For intimacy she cynically scoured just to find emptiness when minutes... Turned to hours Hours turned to days and she started growing weaker She needed him, laying there literally heartbroken and weeping But he never returned even though he promised the heavens No solace for hell beckons, surely she learned the hardest lesson Forever searching for her man, she haunts this mansion Feeding on the life essence of any man that dare enter, for love is reckless As for what actually happened? One may only guess but I think he left her, scared of consequences Selling his soul was not intended but seeing her suffer? More horrendous

Hmmm...but how was selling his soul not intended if just a few lines up you said he sold it to a mangy vagrant for immortality? Also, isn't the only reason why she is suffering to begin with because he left her and if he left her how exactly is he seeing her suffer? Unless of course you meant to imply that be virtue of his immortality he couldn't stand to watch her grow old as he is unbothered by the curse of death, but if that's the case you definitely made no mention of it in verse. Also, backtracking a bit, what are the "consequences" you speak of? Commitment? I mean you can't just write something like that and not explain it in further detail. I feel lost ,or more honestly speaking, like this story has a lot of holes in it.

Than anything the devil would do to him, unfortunately at her expense And she? Apprehensive to confront him. Forever trapped and restless To be continued...

I don't get it. Confront who? He left and she became something similar to a ghost. How would she contact him? Find him? Communicate? So many question. Also, "to be continued" ... in a topical battle??? Come on, bro. There is barely enough content here to begin with. But more obvious, at least to me, is the fact you didn't know how to end this and you also needed an excuse to cover up all the plot holes and unanswered questions this verse has. Kind of a cop out.

Anyway, on a word for word and a line by line basis this was a dope piece. Your mechanics were great and your imagery was good. However, as a complete story this verse lacked cohesion and necessary explanations that were vital to the authenticity of the plot. For instance, why did this begin as a letter, but end as a basic narration? More importantly, who wrote the letter and what is that person's relevance to the story? See, things like that leave me scratching my head.

Overall, I have mixed feelings. It was technically superb in terms of mechanics, but also very undeveloped in terms of its narration. Odd, but still enjoyable nonetheless.

Battler 11

"Lagoon" Likened to a lunatic’s howl A movie clip; borrowed from vintage Hollywood style

This paints a 1950s black and white horror movie in my mind. It's atmospheric and nostalgic and sets the theme up nicely.

Lurking in a lagoon of seeming infinite depth

Uhmmm, I think "seemingly" would sound a lot better.

Rushing, a creature of emotional disposition An ocean. An Intuition of cognitive intermission Brain Waves changing pace to cope with the things that bends us Abnormal angle; out of shape. Anger rose, scraping the heavens. The Devil dwells on the bank of rage and fumigations.

If nothing else this was an interesting parallel between ocean and brain activity in the metaphorical sense.

The stinging swoon of hatred whispering the tune of Hades.

The phrasing here was really dope.

Tongue twisted; pitch-fork spiel - riling the placid surface A Leviathan lurking within the depth of silent inertia

That last line was golden. And I'm digging the mention of the Leviathan, because since I first read the title the still image of the Loch Ness Monster has been etched in my mind. I think had you posted the blurry and shadowy photograph that is most famous of the creature your readers would better understand your words in verse. However, from a personal standpoint, assuming that is in fact the image you are drawing your inspiration from, I think if that's the case, you language and your wording is spot on.

'Cause in silence that's when the serpent revive; sudden emergence defying the undercurrent then... Splash!

Uhmmm, shouldn't that be "...is revived" or something like that? Smh...

OAN

I like the subtlety of your inner-woven rhyme scheme. Not only in this section, but throughout the entirety of your verse. It's appears understated in text form, but when read a loud the rhythm is there.

Its name is Legion

This was like a cross-play between a biblical beast, a Hollywood angel, and an army of vicious demons from a fantasy TV show. I know I'm digging too deep, but that is what honestly came to mind.

Born of tainted reasons

Too obscure and ambiguous for my taste.

The well of life is dry As light subsides

Although, this was dope!

it engage through anger; seething heaving in hellish highs Beware the body of reasons; a slippery slope.

I love how you've kept the allusions to water running rampant throughout your piece. Also, the last line makes me picture the long and seemingly slippery neck of Nessie.

Don't fall.. In the lagoon that's shaped by the empty hole in ur heart

This was almost dope. But I feel like it went off the rails and reverted back to the beginning portion that was more psychological than literal. For a round like this I prefer a more concrete beast based in suspended reality than I do a more psych oriented depiction.

In any case, minus the typos you had a pretty fascinating read that could be processed on multiple different levels. I enjoyed the read.

VOTE -- B11

I've read each verse a decent number of times. However, after doing so my synopsis is that both pieces were pretty evenly matched. For one, you both ironically chose to write relatively short verses. For two, both verses seemed to be rushed and undeveloped. One had plot holes, the other typos. But, I also think each competitor approached their chosen topics from a unique and truly creative angle. Not to mention, ignoring all my criticism, each piece was of extreme quality in terms of pure writing. At the end of the day however, it was a toss up and I'm going with the verse that gave me the most satisfaction on a word by word basis. This should really be a draw, but that would be counterproductive to the single elimination objective.

Good and not so good verses from both. 2 Excellent writers, but not the best execution from either. Peace...

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

---

Battler #6, you came with a competent level of mechanics and held weight on the technical aspect, however you really fell flat in terms of utilising the topic.. To the point where it's almost like you went "SHIT deadline is today! Well I have this other stuff written, I guess I'll post that!". You could really reach and say catalysing heartbreak is a monster thing to do but that's too much a stretch to leave an impact.