Open Mic: Kona's debut 2

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Kona View Drop Down
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    Posted: 15 June 2018 at 6:29pm
ur a NO MENTION WHEN THA LAD ADVANCE with more MOMENTUM THAN AN AVALANCHE
Swift round HOUSE KICK counter? I DOUBT IT when ya MOUTH SPITS its fart noises u SOUND SHIT i dont wrestle ill smack ya DOWN PRICK have ya face hittin the GROUND QUICK im FOUL SICK only reason u SOMEHOW LIVED is cos i ALLOWED IT
Wen i out ya lights see how FAST THE ZEDS FLY zzZZ keep talking ill have ya sleep walking its PAST YA BED TIME
ur castin BIG DOUBTS RHYMING only time ur shining is from the shots is wen i GIVE BLACK EYES BITCH id have to throw u out of this box for u to THINK OUTSIDE IT!
he said screw this brit n he'll hurt me well i just dangle carrots its short n sweet wen i creATE MY TEXT THEMES i wreck dreams til ya o.d no brittany murphy n now u can see this 'rabbit' fucked w/o the the 8 MILE SEX SCENES
if this is a 'fuckin battle' then u practice SAFE SEX u would think its bdsm the way i got ya ass whipped wit bars when i LAY-TEXT(latex)
This wussy 'ducks' so much he FRICKEN QUACKS Battling u is like holding a battle at KFC all im thinkin is of is the CHICKEN RAPS?
we gonna SEND SHOTS TO ENEMIES just to show u u AINT GOT IT MENTALLY now u got me cross like a crusifix sothe 2.2's'll put u on the news at 6 headline deadline/layin 10 POPS AS PENALTY
so much heat ud think i RAN A KITCHEN - MAN ARE QUITING dont make me go MANIC FLIPPIN hand on my hip HAMMER TWITCHIN see it on ya face u no ur runnin outta time the HANDS R TICKING
no acts or gimics this SORRY MAN'll GIVE IN bro listen il make u 'TAP OUT' like tshirts n LEG-LOCKS ur brittle..flint im hard as stone so ACT LOUD n u can get buried like BEDROCK!! u a joke bro i cant wait to read watcha little RANT SAYS NEXT ull get the 'kick' cos ya rap careers over like KANYE WEST! u cant fuck wit me man im RHMING BARS SO CLEVER ima rare jewel ama throw 'a party' (aparthied) like DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER!!
you're "kiddish with tha concepts" without INFANTS READIN BOOKS/ this hillbilly "couldnt fish for a decent rhyme" like INBREDS LEAVING HOOKS
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 June 2018 at 8:21pm
Didn’t you just say you were taking people’s advice after your first drop?

I think it was something like “ I appreciate the feedback from everyone, taken on board no h8“
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 June 2018 at 8:28pm
Ok so first off, welcome to the site. I haven’t read your „first“ debut yet so not sure if I’ll repeat what’s been advised already. I enjoyed the rhymes you incorporated at a few spaces, and it’s good to see your attempt at multis, especially when you’re just starting out, but a lot of your multis and internals didn’t work for me, especially towards the mid-part. You don’t have to capitalise your rhymes though, the reader will know when it rhymes, and the lack of a coherent scheme (or a proper scheme at all, for that matter) made this a heavy read for me. I’m sure it would improve if you would shorten the piece since it becomes repetitive content and scheme wise. Giving your verse a coherent/more reader friendly structure would be another starting point.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 June 2018 at 8:33pm
http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/the-manual_topic44247.html
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