Open Mic: Kona's debut

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   no ps4 dis my 'battlefield' now this bastard thinks he's gonna SLAUGHTER MEN? YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT??   theres no way  this guy'll stop tha TORTURE WEN IM KILLING THE MIC  bro ur 'canon fodder' konas Bombs dropping like MORTARS N ARTILLERY STRIKES!!  think this WHINING LAME can continue my RHYMING GAMES?hv u passed out from da FIRE N FLAMES  bars like kush dabs wen the HYBRID STRAINS hit ya MIND N BRAIN gooneeee VERB SAYS hit kick n push u wen i merc u  tha WORST WAY... the VERB-LAY(verbally) advanced n destroy u  ya heard K? double time like i WORK LATE u hurt me? u couldnt handle the game if kona was in the flesh so i'll just let the WORD-PLAY! lead for this snitch,he talks to law n spreads info for FEE'S CASUALLY  in bed wit the feds tryna 'hold charges' like a WEAK BATTERY please.. u call THESE CAVALRY?? fuk ya clique! ya  got more rats than a CHEESE FACTORY! k's never near pigs like RANDOM JEWS FORKS  ull pay put me in ya WILL TO COVER war in the streets like GANGS OF NEW YORK  i killed beef so now u can 'BILL' THE BUTCHER!!! can u 'vision' me pinning ya head n neck to the stocks n drop MY METAL GYLATINE THEN SLICING IN BETWEEN!?detach ya mind from ya body vividly  DIMETHYLTRYPTAMINE WHEN I HIT THE SHCEMES!!  ill DONALD TRUMP YA make a 'mexican stand off' guns'll end diss SQUABBLE FUCKER to much preassure man'll TOPPLE UNDER using beef for gains like RONALD WON YA the 'macs' so cold keep the 'M' on ya chest like a mcDONALDS JUMPER!

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Kona Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 14 June 2018 Location: england Status: Offline Points: 4	Post Options Post Reply Quote Kona Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Kona's debut Posted: 15 June 2018 at 12:00am
	no ps4 dis my 'battlefield' now this bastard thinks he's gonna SLAUGHTER MEN? YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT?? theres no way this guy'll stop tha TORTURE WEN IM KILLING THE MIC bro ur 'canon fodder' konas Bombs dropping like MORTARS N ARTILLERY STRIKES!! think this WHINING LAME can continue my RHYMING GAMES?hv u passed out from da FIRE N FLAMES bars like kush dabs wen the HYBRID STRAINS hit ya MIND N BRAIN gooneeee VERB SAYS hit kick n push u wen i merc u tha WORST WAY... the VERB-LAY(verbally) advanced n destroy u ya heard K? double time like i WORK LATE u hurt me? u couldnt handle the game if kona was in the flesh so i'll just let the WORD-PLAY! lead for this snitch,he talks to law n spreads info for FEE'S CASUALLY in bed wit the feds tryna 'hold charges' like a WEAK BATTERY please.. u call THESE CAVALRY?? fuk ya clique! ya got more rats than a CHEESE FACTORY! k's never near pigs like RANDOM JEWS FORKS ull pay put me in ya WILL TO COVER war in the streets like GANGS OF NEW YORK i killed beef so now u can 'BILL' THE BUTCHER!!! can u 'vision' me pinning ya head n neck to the stocks n drop MY METAL GYLATINE THEN SLICING IN BETWEEN!?detach ya mind from ya body vividly DIMETHYLTRYPTAMINE WHEN I HIT THE SHCEMES!! ill DONALD TRUMP YA make a 'mexican stand off' guns'll end diss SQUABBLE FUCKER to much preassure man'll TOPPLE UNDER using beef for gains like RONALD WON YA the 'macs' so cold keep the 'M' on ya chest like a mcDONALDS JUMPER!

Neek Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Neek Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2018 at 2:13am
	more please.
	#Bananas

D.Von Doom Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 18 June 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1534 Audio Rank: #1 Stats: 15-4-0 Form: WWWWWL	Post Options Post Reply Quote D.Von Doom Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2018 at 5:00am
	tridd-dash
	I can only fall off in space...

iLL ScriptureZ Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote iLL ScriptureZ Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2018 at 1:48pm
	you actually have the ability to rhyme. The structure is awful and off-putting. Don't capitalize your multis, if they are there, they will shine. Punches were okay.

Vellum Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 07 October 2013 Location: Connecticut Status: Offline Points: 492 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 24-2-1 Form: WWWWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Vellum Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2018 at 4:05pm
	I agree with ill about not capitalizing the multis but I still enjoyed this piece it was fun to read and have some cool lil jabs

Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2018 at 4:47pm
	OK i also agree with the comments above,when ppl see a wall of words it'll put them off,or even make them not want to read it period,and judging by this piece here,structure is needed badly,here's a quick tip,try to write in the vein that 2 lines equal 1 bar,failing that check out the elevation centre for guidance on structure, overall for a selfhype piece and a new member,this wasn't bad at all,you obviously know how to rhyme,and even bring a layer or 2 via smilies,it just every line at the moment is running into the next one,which kills flow and makes it harder for the reader to distinguish the actual rhyming words themselves within,and as a random thrown in tip,try trimming down those excess words,it'll enhance any verse by aid- ing flow which will keep a reader interested from start to end,anyways as its stands and looking through its faults,it's a decent verse really,good effort still....peace.
	"You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance".

Kona Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 14 June 2018 Location: england Status: Offline Points: 4	Post Options Post Reply Quote Kona Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 June 2018 at 6:16pm
	Hey thank you i appreciate the feedback from everyone, taken on board no h8

XcesE5 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 23 June 2018 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 20	Post Options Post Reply Quote XcesE5 Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 25 June 2018 at 11:34pm
	Yea I feel like the biggest downfall of this is formatting. The block of text is horrendous. There's some good ideas in here that just kind've get dwarfed in the way it's presented.

iNF3KT3D SYRiNG3Z Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Suspended Joined: 27 July 2018 Location: West Coast Status: Offline Points: 23	Post Options Post Reply Quote iNF3KT3D SYRiNG3Z Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 July 2018 at 3:27am
	Don't want to come down hard, but, Outside of the format in which it was dropped, which I can't stand, This verse didn't do anything for me. if it's truly a debut, step the bars up....