Spotlight: [KOTM] ESOTERIC FEASTING [KOTM]

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    Posted: 12 July 2017 at 7:28pm



I awaken, addled brain and adroit hands grasping the pavement
absquatulated through Arcadian space with amazement
These arcane winds beam beads towards my face nd limbs
Abrasive sand bombinating against my spaceship
concatenations of events led to lost communications
Fugacious radio signals intercepted by ruthless aliens
the esoteric beings confiscate my useless gauges
 i eschew the pain with spitting in their blue faces
i lose faith with the fact they threw me into a cage with..
Thirty-two other humans wearing suits from other nations
A loud thundering yammer hits and from afar i see their leader
Sycophants squeal, wobble while these creatures seizure
i must be dreaming because i feel apoplectic nd eager
Unapologetic beasts urge for our death in speakers
brouhaha chants leave me to believe were gonna meet the reaper
Seance rants repeating while these space demons begin eating meat with cleavers

They feast like draconian creatures on humans with great enormity
deformity as bodies leak out with brains oozing on the tables cordially
Using swords to eat and pick at the bones with normalcy
Im next and the gorgons forcefully tear at my organs with teeth
Intestinal chords wrapped around my neck like a soldier in Normandy
insidious horrid scenes as they eat my core nd spleen



My core beliefs leave my body as im feeling bereft of pain
Last thing i remember is these gothic teeth chomping on my neck nd brain......





Edited by daydizzle89 - 12 July 2017 at 7:34pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Law Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 July 2017 at 8:04am
This was a cool first entry. You did well in your word usage describing the event. I did think there were a few lines you got a bit over zealous with the vocabulary that and it halted the smoothless of the line itself. 

For example: 

They feast like draconian creatures on humans with great enormity 
deformity as bodies leak out with brains oozing on the tables cordially
Using swords to eat and pick at the bones with normalcy 
Im next and the gorgons forcefully tear at my organs with teeth

Here reading through it, the end rhyme normalcy/organs with teeth is where it puts the hiccup in the fluent readability. The syllables also don't line up with the two either. There was a couple other instances as well. face n limbs line was another multi that the syllables didn't line up, however, it didn't effect the read as much because the 'arcane winds' multi to start the line made it roll of the tongue ultimately and the short line following it 'spaceship'/'amazement' was quick enough to pick up the previously end rhyme. Being as this wasn't a consistent trend throughout the verse, I don't think you meant to do that. 
Other than some occasions like that with the flow and multis, it was technically sound. And the grusome imagery at the end was what Self was looking for for Bloodlines, so that should be a plus when he goes through the verses for a winner. 

The story was definitely an interesting take on the KOTM topic this month. I liked the idea of being abducted by aliens that are holding people from other nations. It was fast paced and had an aggressive start to the story to get the reader interested. The way it began, you also left it open for a prequel as to how your character reached this point. What I thought this story did lack was the depth and creativity. Instead of continuing off the interesting beginning, there was no purpose for the capture other than for the aliens to eat. There was no reason for the other 32 nations to be there. No depth behind the character, it was a random person that got captured and eaten by aliens. You had more lines to work with and you should have used them to put some depth behind it because I thought the start was great. 

Well I said my piece, both critique and praise. It was overall an enjoyable first read to the BL4 KOTM. 
Go my Minions!


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 July 2017 at 4:11pm
Let the sci-fi saga begin.

Quote I awaken, addled brain and all adroit hands grasping the pavement
absquatulated through Arcadian space with amazement
These arcane winds beam beads towards my face nd limbs
Abrasive sand bombinating against my spaceship
concatenations of events led to lost communications
Fugacious radio signals intercepted by ruthless aliens


This is pretty dope, Dizz. Honestly speaking I had to look a few of these words up as they are not all that common in everyday conversation. But after doing so I find myself pleasantly surprised by how much sense they make within the context of your imagery. Not only is your vocabulary intelligent, nerdy, and obscure, but more impressively it actually enhances the vividness of the story your illustrating.

Quote the esoteric beings confiscate my useless gauges
i eschew the pain with spitting in their blue faces


I'm digging the sci-fi imagery you're creating. It's movie-esque in scope and in visualization.

Quote i lose faith with the fact they threw me into a cage with..
Thirty-two other humans wearing suits from other nations
A loud thundering yammer hits and from afar i see their leader
Sycophants squeal, wobble while these creatures seizure
i must be dreaming because i feel apoplectic nd eager
Unapologetic beasts urge for our death in speakers
brouhaha chants leave me to believe were gonna meet the reaper
Seance rants repeating while these space demons begin eating meat with cleavers


Thank God (really Steve Jobs) that I am blessed enough to have a built-in dictionary as part of my iPhone factory settings, which allows me to highlight a word and look up its meaning and pronunciation in less than a second. If it wasn't for this vital feature I might not have been able to make it through this read, let alone, appreciate it in all its uniqueness and glory. However, because of this built-in dictionary I am instead able to truly enjoy it for all it's worth. I love the fact you've gone the route of a true science fiction novelist and have chosen to employ not only complex vernacular (almost alien in pronunciation), but also very intelligent and thought out scenes, not unlike that of a space epic or odyssey. Obviously, we've all seen movies similar to what you are describing in your verse. But even with that said, your ability to paint a picture and set a scene with visual detail is no less impressive. In fact, it's worthy of admiration. Props.

Quote They feast like draconian creatures on humans with great enormity
deformity as bodies leak out with brains oozing on the tables cordially
Using swords to eat and pick at the bones with normalcy
Im next and the gorgons forcefully tear at my organs with teeth
Intestinal chords wrapped around my neck like a soldier in Normandy
insidious horrid scenes as they eat my core nd spleen[/COLOR]


This was delightfully horrible to imagine. Thanks for the nightmares. Nah, on the real ... I dig the fuck out of this. It's crude, primal, and really sets the bar high for future participants. This is some classic Dizz shit. I think you have executed the topic in a creative and ingenious way. Savage!

Quote My core beliefs leave my body as im feeling bereft of pain
Last thing i remember is these gothic teeth chomping on my neck nd brain......


Damn! R.I.P.
They fucked you up, bro. You should have packed a laser, faser, or lightsaber. Stay strapped or get eatin. It's Space, shit is wild.

Dope ass piece. Thanks for sharing.

Peace...

Edited by SELF ACTIVATE - 21 July 2017 at 4:35pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 July 2017 at 5:23pm
Spotlight swag
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 July 2017 at 6:27am
Will feed this once I've changed the frikkin' colours of this.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DjFlame Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 August 2017 at 6:55pm
I always liked that you have a great vocab that suits what you drop. Like, you can't write a hard 16 about going to the candy store or something shit, but Sci-Fi stuff like this lends itself to that style of vocabulary. In a way, it makes me think of the aliens; a standard TV trope is that they're extremely smart, speak English for some reason, and use complex words. Just fits that sort of vibe.

I awaken, addled brain and adroit hands grasping the pavement
absquatulated through Arcadian space with amazement
These arcane winds beam beads towards my face nd limbs
Abrasive sand bombinating against my spaceship

[B]Pavement? Starts to make me think our protagonist is an alien. If two worlds had never met before, what are the odds that they'll have the same invention? From a lyrical standpoint, that aforementioned vocabulary fits the tons of the piece.
I learned the word "Arcadian" today. Thank you for that. Arcane means obscure, so I'm assuming this is the first time these two species has met?
Somebody else mentioned "face nd limbs." Obviously there's no way to word the bar so it says "face, limbs." I probably would've scrapped the bar tbh. Still a good segment tho.[/B]

concatenations of events led to lost communications
Fugacious radio signals intercepted by ruthless aliens
the esoteric beings confiscate my useless gauges
i eschew the pain with spitting in their blue faces

[B]when you say they're esoteric, you're implying that modern society is so advanced, we look at other intelligent life forms like mosquitoes? Little adjectives like that are an awesome vehicle for exposition. You just used 4 syllables to describe something that most people would write a bar about it IF THEY CHOOSE TO DESCRIBE IT AT ALL.
Also, guess I was wrong about it being an alien visiting humans.

Lyrically, this section has no flaws except a tiny one that I'm not a fan of. "Concatenations" is 5 syllables, where "lost communications" is six. Could have been unintentional, though I picked up the vibe that you were rhyming them. Still a good quatrain tho. [/B]

i lose faith with the fact they threw me into a cage with..
Thirty-two other humans wearing suits from other nations
A loud thundering yammer hits and from afar i see their leader
Sycophants squeal, wobble while these creatures seizure


[B]I really dug the last two bars. Pretty good plot advancement, enough to keep me interested. Would like to know more about why they're keeping humans from other nations captive.
Also, I'd like you to answer this for me for narrative purposes. Are the humans so advanced that they live on separate planets? In one bit the beings were esoteric, so that implies humans really didn't know about them. But, shouldn't they know about them, considering the aliens are eating them? Unless, of course, those "32 nations" are actually planets, and the planets don't communicate. Or, are the beings only esoteric to the reader now because your audience is in this characters past? Idk, but this has major serialization potential. It'd be that Star Trek/Rick and Morty type thing where they get into a different adventure on am entirely new planet every week. That'd be niiiice. Sort of like the ILLiad but SciFi[/B]

st be dreaming because i feel apoplectic nd eager
Unapologetic beasts urge for our death in speakers
brouhaha chants leave me to believe were gonna meet the reaper
Seance rants repeating while these space demons begin eating meat with cleavers

[B]Eager to see what's going on? Eager to die? Assuming the latter because of the second and third line. That's a cool way to tell us a little about your character. With such a great lexicon, I assume you didn't just throw eager there for multis sake, so when I see a word choice like that I gotta stop to think. Why would he be eager? I'm assuming, might be wrong, that our character wants to die. Either before or after the crash, idk.[/B]


like draconian creatures on humans with great enormity
deformity as bodies leak out with brains oozing on the tables cordially
Using swords to eat and pick at the bones with normalcy
Im next and the gorgons forcefully tear at my organs with teeth
Intestinal chords wrapped around my neck like a soldier in Normandy
insidious horrid scenes as they eat my core nd spleen


[B]I know cordially also means intense, but 95 percent of the time people mean it like in a friendly matter. Is the protagonist hoping to die? [/B]

Sorry I couldn't give this any more in-depth feed, but there wasn't too much else other than the story to comment on that Law hadn't mentioned. I respectfully disagree with him when he says your vocab was overzealous. The genre lends itself to this kind of vocabulary.

On an unrelated note I'd love to put a canon to this. Maybe we could branch this off into an anthology? Like, maybe the astronaut worked for a space delivery company or something. Idk about the details, you'll figure it out if you wanna do it.
He only here to warn us what the plan is
The hour is upon us, it's bananas
Born alone, die alone, no matter who your man is
Hope he live long enough to tell it to his grandkids
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 August 2017 at 7:15pm
Thanks for the feeds people. DJ, You write a verse to a prequel and i will follow up with one.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 August 2017 at 1:50am


I awaken, addled brain and adroit hands grasping the pavement
absquatulated through Arcadian space with amazement 
These arcane winds beam beads towards my face nd limbs
Abrasive sand bombinating against my spaceship 


I have no fucking idea what absquatulated means lol. score one for Dizz. but from the prologue im imagining your traveling to a planet similiar to mars with the sand reference, but we'll see.

concatenations of events led to lost communications
Fugacious radio signals intercepted by ruthless aliens
the esoteric beings confiscate my useless gauges 
 i eschew the pain with spitting in their blue faces

I think "bluey faces" was meant here, but I get that editing is for clowns. so I knew whatcha mean Mr Eiffel 69. I think the story is building nice. I sense turmoil already.

i lose faith with the fact they threw me into a cage with..
Thirty-two other humans wearing suits from other nations
A loud thundering yammer hits and from afar i see their leader
Sycophants squeal, wobble while these creatures seizure 
i must be dreaming because i feel apoplectic nd eager 
Unapologetic beasts urge for our death in speakers 

what language do the aliens speak so I can learn when they come for the gold again. but this shit is super trippy, almost has a "Enemy Mines" type vibe, really dope.

brouhaha chants leave me to believe were gonna meet the reaper
Seance rants repeating while these space demons begin eating meat with cleavers

They feast like draconian creatures on humans with great enormity 
deformity as bodies leak out with brains oozing on the tables cordially
Using swords to eat and pick at the bones with normalcy 
Im next and the gorgons forcefully tear at my organs with teeth
Intestinal chords wrapped around my neck like a soldier in Normandy
insidious horrid scenes as they eat my core nd spleen

well fuck. nevermind lol. not Enemy Mine at all. damn man. I was rooting for some Steve McQueen in Great Escape shit here. but alas. Dizz keep a plot twist.

My core beliefs leave my body as im feeling bereft of pain
Last thing i remember is these gothic teeth chomping on my neck nd brain......


wtf lol.


well Dizz, I liked this piece. I was just trying to make the connection on the dinosaurs/aliens. outside of that slight hiccup, I felt this was a nice drop. the description in the last five feels kinda samey... but not alot of ways to truly describe getting eaten alive, while keeping with a gruesome theme *and* closing up shop with limited lines. so I felt your execution was where it needed to be. vocab was on another level, but didnt hurt the read.. so overall I kinda just assumed what the shit meant based on direction. anyway, my pennies anywhom. enter that word drop and show these boys how its done.
#Bananas
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 August 2017 at 6:14am





Bro what tha f@#k is this?

Well penned. I see you still got that magic in you, shit's captivating.I'm now being tempted to pick up my dusty pen. Other wise great piece dawg. Dope
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