Open Mic: [KOTM] footsteps

Hey. Great to see you participating. As a rule which I set a while ago I won't provide any feed or thoughts on KOTM pieces as I'm the one who does the write up and picks a winners at the end of the period. I'll update the list of participants later tonight when I'm not on the phone.

You have a real air of authority when you write, can tell you are an experienced hand almost immediately. Was an interesting "inspired by" piece & I liked the concept of taking the man being half & half between heaven and hell as you put it. I really liked the descriptiveness of your writing, best moment was when you talked about that social networking part. That felt really poignant.

For me I didn't really get a sense of a character that was torn...it kind of felt like to me you had 4 lines that set it up & the rest was talking about regrets and how he'd fucked up and all that. I would've liked that middle piece to be a bit more half & half...like reflecting on the downsides and sacrifices but then positive notes too, or at least that optimism trickling away as it went through the piece.

So yeah, I think this was a piece that was an interesting concept that in terms of idea could've been executed to a higher standard, but in which you showed a lot of majority in terms of the verse itself and that fundamental lyricism.

You seem like you'll be another strong addition to the OM scene though, so glad you've dipped your toe in the waters.

So this is pretty interesting. I like how you make subtle allusions to the picture. I also like the philosophical nature of your words. In my opinion, this is the kind of intro that sets the tone for the entire piece and, that is because it makes the reader slow down and ponder what is actually being said, as oppose to just speed reading through each line with little emphasis being paid to truly understanding what's being expressed by the author.



The wording here is very well placed. The way you set your lines up allow for very powerful conclusions.



The wording is again impressive and so is the scheme. Your character development is also a thing of beauty. I like how the character is being fleshed out through an indirect combination of memories and habits. Good shit!


Dope!

Also, this reminds me of a Sage Francis quote that goes something like:




The wording is exceptionally and the lyrics are the truth.



This was in the pocket. I like the story progression, the rhythm was constant, the syllable count was on point, and lyrically it provided a rhyme and reason as to what's happening with/to the character.



I like the callback here and reverse repetition. Solid way to ended it and...



But of course.

All-in-all: this was a stellar read from top-to-bottom that was highlighted by nice storytelling and incredible wording. Mechanically, I have no gripes ... lyrical, I have none as well. Dope drop my dude and another great entry up for submission.

Peace...

Edited by rhetorical - 24 September 2021 at 7:33pm