Open Mic: [KOTM] Hitman: The Perfect Hit, Man [KOTM]

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The Rap Daemon View Drop Down
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    Posted: 09 May 2017 at 7:30am
S.W.O.R.D.

After the downfall of The Agency in 'absolution'
I have no way to see my great belief of revolution
Against the cruelest of world leaders in my immense n ruthless
Ways I preached, it's no game to me so now this is attribution
To a code that reads 47, I will do this by the S.W.O.R.D.
I am tuneless in coolness but I view the putrid as a chord
To root this astuteness in to being a crucial line to board
Right up against their front, from behind and inside I am brutal by accord
I was built for this, I truly am a son of a gun so you'll find
When it comes to pulling triggers on targets I am one to rely on
I've killed corrupt Generals and Bankers, that's the stuff you are right on (*INITIATED*)
And they dub me a clone but it's really that I'm one of a kind!
Emotional attachment is something that won't be a li'l' crack in
S.W.O.R.D.'s back... All my minds sees' a biller
Not even money motivated - I'm justice driven, an ICA killer
A contract? Sign me the sinner and in your name you can say, "I See A killer"!
And I Swear to Wage On Ridding Dictators with the force of
A Samurai Warrior Or Raging Demon twinned with my Silverballers
A Secret World Order Rallying Draught on tyranny is my hit, I'm all up
Plus I'm righteous in the shadows...
'The best sharp cut', so anyone in their right mind will answer am I fit for S.W.O.R.D.? Yup!.

Yours
Agent 47
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Ridley Squat View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ridley Squat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 1:45pm
Hi Mr Daemon

My advice here, before even reading a word, is why the rush?
You know you don't get bonus points for early submissions right?
You have the luxury of 2 months to craft a dope story ... tweak it till it's as good as can be ... then tweak it some more.

Maybe you don't need 2 months ... but an hour? ... that's practically keyed bro.
Would like to see what you do if you actually put the time in.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 2:07pm
I did read it and I have to agree with Ridley. It seemed rush and it didn't end up having a meat and potatoes version. I say that as in I felt there wasn't a body of a story. An intro, a description, credibility, and it ended.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (2) Likes(2)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 6:05pm
before I break your shit down, (havnt read it yet...just skimmed feedback) I gotta say I disagree with Ridley and LP. The one that Nigma posted I did in 35 mins..so time is never the defining factor in creativity, EVER…that said? im familiar with your work and even if you took the prescribed time..itd wind up the same..but lemme see if my assessment is triddash.




After the downfall of The Agency in 'absolution'
I have no way to see my great belief of revolution 
Against the cruelest of world leaders in my immense n ruthless
Ways I preached, it's no game to me so now this is attribution 

see, ruthless is a bad pause. its just lack of vocab, if you had said "in immense ways, im ruthless - " keeps that rhyme where you need it..but its not awkward.


To a code that reads 47, I will do this by the S.W.O.R.D. 
I am tuneless in coolness but I view the putrid as a chord

this is ok..liked the tuneless/chord deal.. but putrid is offputting...no pun.

To root this astuteness in to being a crucial line to board
Right up against their front, from behind and inside I am brutal by accord

we got you were brutal from the start. tell us more. maybe describe the how..what makes you brutal? give us content. so far youve just told us youre a badass.. and nearly used a third of your alloted lines to do so.

I was built for this, I truly am a son of a gun so you'll find
When it comes to pulling triggers on targets I am one to rely on

built for this - if lookin for a gun, im where you find one…
I am the son, thats always on time, you can rely on…

when you struggle to make bar two work..dont force it..rework your first line.. being a slave to your line just because you wrote it is killing your creativity.. its like..well..I already said that..better make the next one fit..stop that.


I've killed corrupt Generals and Bankers, that's the stuff you are right on (*INITIATED*)
And they dub me a clone but it's really that I'm one of a kind! 
Emotional attachment is something that won't be a li'l' crack in
S.W.O.R.D.'s back... All my minds sees' a biller

wtf is "li'l' crack in" <--------


Not even money motivated - I'm justice driven, an ICA killer
A contract? Sign me the sinner and in your name you can say, "I See A killer"! 
a killer in me is a killer in you….


And I Swear to Wage On Ridding Dictators with the force of
A Samurai Warrior Or Raging Demon twinned with my Silverballers
A Secret World Order Rallying Draught on tyranny is my hit, I'm all up
Plus I'm righteous in the shadows... 
'The best sharp cut', so anyone in their right mind will answer am I fit for S.W.O.R.D.? Yup!. 

Yours
Agent 47


end was a little nifty..but overall this piece wasnt cohesive. I dont think its lack of time..its just how you write. youd rather force than rewrite. if shit aint coming to you in a natural manner.. leave it alone..close it out..dont think on it.. just get some water.. whatever.. and come back in a bit.. if you really feel jammed.. just start from scratch. forcing content is never the answer. hope this helps.
#Bananas
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ridley Squat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 6:42pm
Originally posted by Neek Neek wrote:

.. just get some water.. whatever.. and come back in a bit.. if you really feel jammed.. just start from scratch. forcing content is never the answer. hope this helps.

So ... take your time ... don't rush it? ... Good point Neeko, I agree bro.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 6:43pm
Originally posted by Ridley Squat Ridley Squat wrote:

Originally posted by Neek Neek wrote:

.. just get some water.. whatever.. and come back in a bit.. if you really feel jammed.. just start from scratch. forcing content is never the answer. hope this helps.

So ... take your time ... don't rush it? ... Good point Neeko, I agree bro.


if hes feeling writers block? yeah.. this wasnt writers block, this was par for the course. if he felt a fucking wave of inspiration, itd just flow natural. this is his standard body of work. go read a few of his pieces.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ridley Squat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 6:54pm
Oh I'm aware ...

But you cannot tell me that, when you're competing on a topical, when you're going to be judged against others, based on the structure and originality of your story ... and everyone's got 2 months to work with ... that "put some thought into it rather than rushing to post in the first hour" ...
is anything other than good advice!

S'all I'm sayin


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 6:59pm
Originally posted by Ridley Squat Ridley Squat wrote:

Oh I'm aware ...

But you cannot tell me that, when you're competing on a topical, when you're going to be judged against others, based on the structure and originality of your story ... and everyone's got 2 months to work with ... that "put some thought into it rather than rushing to post in the first hour" ...
is anything other than good advice!

S'all I'm sayin




brother, all I said was that all the time in the world wont change how he writes, and if he was a better writer.. time doesnt quantify the outcome.. sure.. a five min key vs an hour piece..but if his motivation isnt "winning" then its irrelevant. thats all I disagreed with, that inspiration isnt based on time and inspiration is the spark of creativity. I threw out some tips to help curb his bad tendancies, not to suggest he spend weeks on a writing exercise. if winning is his motive, then naturally he should be editing.. but if its just a writing exercise.. go nuts.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 7:04pm
I just think if he is still working on developing his craft, more time should be invested. yea, of course there are times you get in the zone and kill a verse in just a few minutes. but some people still down have the proper mechanics to do that and requires them to go back and rework and reword the piece. that's just my two cents. as you get better as a writer I think you can jot things down much much quicker, but whilst you're still developing, more time should be invested.
 
 
write out your verse and then start picking it apart. look at parts that aren't flowing to well, maybe throw a beat and use that solely for the purpose of fixing the flow of the piece.
 
after you do that it will be more cohesive, now from here start reading it and find the bland parts and start adding flavor with similie or metaphors or what ever your heart desires.
 
keep doing that through the whole verse, then ocne your done with that perhaps throw a beat on again and plish it up once more so it reads like butter. if you do this, you will see your writtens will be much better and the more times you work on things with so much scrutiny, it will start becoming second nature and you will be able to incorporate them more easily as you write your initial verse. once you get to that point all you gotta do is polish the flow at the end and you good to go.
 
but that takes practice, good practice. good form is important.
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