Spotlight: [KOTM] Pseudo-Beasts

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The Law View Drop Down
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    Posted: 01 August 2017 at 5:04pm


I closed my eyes, inhaled deep to satisfy my lungs
I felt a lunge, then wet, hot breath out on the run
Down my neck sending shivers, my heart began to plunge
I froze up, like a stone that peered into medusa's eyes
My illusive mind, only focusing on the gruesome side
Picturing myself being torn to shreds, teeth in flesh
Animalistic, Cannibalistic, feasting on scenes of death
But I couldn't envision the blackness departing from humanity
Something clicked, Survival kicked, and I stopped Panicking

I jumped back with a pirouette, pivoted facing the beast
Hollow eyes staring back, bruxing it's razor sharp teeth
There was three, fur-filled monstrosities, planning to leap
To the left, was the runt, glaring and stamping it's feet
The right one, waist high, crunching on a human femur
Swinging his tail back and forth, gazing loose and eager

The middle one leapt in a strike, a pace about five feet
It's tongue protruding forward to get a taste of the live meat
I was able to grab it's front claws, twist and distort it's joints
Loud Cracks, Broken bones, and squeals that support it's point
The smaller, rodent-esque creature charged with a swift effort
I thought I dodged better, moved aside but with a quick error
It's front teeth grazed my thigh, I felt the burning emission
The blood tricklin', the sensation to grab the hurtin' affliction
But I gathered myself and waited for the next sign
Evaded, then stomped on it's back and heard the apex cry
The crushed spine, the hindlegs gave way and tumbled
The last of the beasts tucked it's tail and crumbled
I sensed the fear, saw the shaking, can envision his worries
So I walked over and ended it, snapped it's neck with mercy
The adrenaline left my system, I fainted when it stopped 

Newspapers read, Caught the Pet Killer of East park... 









Go my Minions!


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The Rap Daemon View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 August 2017 at 4:47pm
This was a fairly straightforward drop. Idk, but tbh I was expecting a lot of allegorical style metaphors and some wordplay and similes to strengthen the impact felt within the imagery to really paint a vivid scene.

With this it felt like a was watching an action movie but not diving ln to an adventure. While the story flowed without any bumps, and lyrically there were no missteps as such, I just got that feel of being thrown straight in to a blockbuster set without the forerunning of a deep set-up to support it and an in-depth character to feel any emotion for. It's a good watch, but a one-dimensional piece to read and there weren't any memorable moments to take away with me so unfortunately I can't feel this piece like I wish I could. You feel me?

That's just me though. That's what I got from this. Maybe someone else can see past that cloud I have on this one and get something from this that I couldn't.

EDIT: W/o much of a message - it feels to me like just a random drop or something a part of a bigger picture, and it needs that bigger set to mean something, like a jigsaw piece.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 August 2017 at 5:03pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 August 2017 at 5:49pm
haha this is a very bare narrative from you, Law! And i say that with respect because...well...we all know if you want to, ur easily in ur own stratosphere. That picture is like a demonic version of that squirrel guy from Ice Age lol. thanks for ruining it, asshole. Even this isn't up to ur usual standards, its always good to peep a Law piece. And thanks for contributing. now lets sign u up for the VIP membership. 


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 August 2017 at 3:15am


Quote I closed my eyes, inhaled deep to satisfy my lungs


"satisfy my lungs" that's a really cool way to describe the process of breathing. I like that.

Also, that picture is dope as fuck.

Quote I felt a lunge, then wet, hot breath out on the run
Down my neck sending shivers, my heart began to plunge
I froze up, like a stone that peered into medusa's eyes


Ahhh man I think that last line could have been worded better. I get the metaphor you were going for but it seems like a missed opportunity. I mean, how can a stone be turned into a stone? Obviously, that's not what you were in implying, but that's how it reads.

Quote My illusive mind, only focusing on the gruesome side
Picturing myself being torn to shreds, teeth in flesh
Animalistic, Cannibalistic, feasting on scenes of death


Bruuuuuuuuuh ... you're a beast.

Quote But I couldn't envision the blackness departing from humanity
Something clicked, Survival kicked, and I stopped Panicking


I like how you're walking us through not only the action, but also the thought process of the character. You've taken the first-person perspective to the next level. I'm not just reading your words. I feel like I'm participating in your story. This verse feels almost as interactive as a video game does.

Quote I jumped back with a pirouette, pivoted facing the beast
Hollow eyes staring back, bruxing it's razor sharp teeth


You have an almost unrivaled ability to describe a scene in vivid clarity. It's impressive. I can literally envision the hollow eyed beast staring back at me with unbridled hate and confusion. It's gnarly as fuck to think about. However, I do have one question, what does "bruxing" mean?

Quote There was three, fur-filled monstrosities, planning to leap
To the left, was the runt, glaring and stamping it's feet


Very imaginative and well thought out. Again, I can easily see it happening in my head.

Quote The right one, waist high, crunching on a human femur
Swinging his tail back and forth, gazing loose and eager


Dope rhyme. Dope wording. I think you already knew "crunching on a human femur" was gonna get a positive reaction the second you thought of it.

Quote The middle one leapt in a strike, a pace about five feet
It's tongue protruding forward to get a taste of the live meat


It's like watching the TV show from back in the day called 'When Animals Attack', except unlike then we now have Go Pros and 3D cameras. I can imagine this little demon spring boarding towards you with salivating jaws, up close, and in slow motion.

Quote I was able to grab it's front claws, twist and distort it's joints
Loud Cracks, Broken bones, and squeals that support it's point
The smaller, rodent-esque creature

Lol @ "rodent-esque"

Quote charged with a swift effort
I thought I dodged better, moved aside but with a quick error
It's front teeth grazed my thigh, I felt the burning emission


Again, every detail seems of the experience seems to be taken to careful consideration. "burning emission are words that produce a sensational response. I can feel the pain or at the very least recollect from memory what it would feel like in real life.

Quote The blood tricklin', the sensation to grab the hurtin' affliction
But I gathered myself and waited for the next sign
Evaded, then stomped on it's back and heard the apex cry


The "apex" what? Unless you mean the apex rodent, but in this context wouldn't the correct term be alpha? I'm doing too much, right? Lol ... ight I'll relax.


Quote The crushed spine, the hindlegs gave way and tumbled
The last of the beasts tucked it's tail and crumbled


Lol I dig the way this is worded. It actually made me smirk a bit.

Quote I sensed the fear, saw the shaking, can envision his worries
So I walked over and ended it, snapped it's neck with mercy


Dope!

Quote The adrenaline left my system, I fainted when it stopped 

Newspapers read, Caught the Pet Killer of East park... 


The ending could have been harder. But it did its job and made the story feel complete.

You're a wizard with the pen, Law. It's a shame you don't drop more often. I can't ever recall reading anything less than dope from you. This piece follows suit.

Stellar entry.

Peace...



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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Law Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 August 2017 at 4:50am
Thanks for the feed everyone. 

Didn't seem like the ending got much of the response, was hard to elaborate any as I used so much on the imagery, by the time it got to the story itself, I was limited. 
 
But the single line at the end was supposed to portray that it all was in his head, he just murdered all the dogs at the park. 

@ Self nice catching the medusa line, I didn't even catch that I did that. Bruxing is grinding and clenching your teeth. 
Go my Minions!


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 August 2017 at 12:39pm
Quote But the single line at the end was supposed to portray that it all was in his head, he just murdered all the dogs at the park.


Bruh ... I completely missed that. That's actually pretty dope now that you've pointed it out.

And ahhhh I was unsure of that word, but now that I know what it means, don't be surprised if you see it in one of my up coming verses. And, yeah, it's hard to fit everything you want to write in only 32 lines, but you did a great job working within the allotted limit.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 August 2017 at 2:01pm
I liked this piece it was like a bag of mixed vibes in essence,you had a bit of everything
in here,multi syllables depiction a steady storyline and similes too,the story was good
it kept me peeled,and the concept of it being an illusion he was playing out was solid,
For me the highlight was your imagery,it was vibrant and vivid throughout,it really lifted
this piece up and out at a reader,i also liked the rhyming scheme here too,it had a good
staggered feel via the quick read then back to a slow read aspect,& dude your word
placements also aided the flow on the whole,came off as real smooth too,in fact so
smooth if you wrote this on cotton wool,it would turn into a cloud,i liked it good read
and a solid contender to the (KOTM)...peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 August 2017 at 10:37pm
listen you motherfucker you... *insert grumpy face*


I liked this joint. I wont do the self breakdown, as thats just bodying myself. but I will say, like you.. I felt 48 lines woulda set this theme off wildly..but the difficulty setting was what made it a fun thing to do, so I feel your pain on not being able to flesh it out fully.

but I think as a stand alone, I dug it. had style and flare and a bit of humor with some gruesome tossed in. besides.. who needs topicals when you catch bodies at will.


enjoy your day my friend.
#Bananas
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