Open Mic: (KOTM) Ripley's Sushi Bar.. (KOTM)

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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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    Posted: 04 July 2017 at 9:29pm


(The Choking)
Believe it or not,the clattering plates was the rattling of someone's fate,
Waitress splattering blood like bait as each downswing chop agitates,
Behind the tinted glass sits the V.I.P reading whilst eating tentacle sushi,
Throat to sore to make a plea as the grip tightens up from an unseen entity,
That came from "off the wall" like MJ's lp,was this fate or the man's destiny,

(Police inquiry)
The chef is called Gore May & says thats what he serves on any given day,
A diner where kids and their food can play,tug of war or catch of the day,
A venue where freaks flock to eat,or an alternative if that's what you seek,
Feel free take a seat,order a cup of Joe but be careful you dont get his feet,
Be my guest in the process take notes,& don't use the cane to prod em or poke,
See the side shows don't start till seven,this is their time & their bit of heaven,

(publics Acceptance)
Under lock & key is where these freaks should be I've heard the public say,
But I disagree,even geeks need to make money as we all have bills to pay,
Ben the sandbag who has no limbs,still has style being propped up on Timbs,
See these ppl are already payin for their sins,I wonder if you have tougher skin,
OK let's begin the questioning,are you naturally ugly or is it your previous kin?,
Believe the masses ideology is pathetic,i didn't choose this state it's all genetic,
Hop inside you'll see i also diabetic,just one day in my shoes & you'll regret it,

(The Outcome)
So pay to see me in a tent and Marvel at the oddities till your hearts content,
And my anger I'll never vent I'll just sit there and smile whilst you pay my rent,
& remember despite my deformity I'm a soul too & not dirt beneath your shoe,
I'll take your currency that you accrue but pls don't visit the diner it's not for you,

Edited by Cuba - 05 July 2017 at 10:41am
"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
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Cuba View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 July 2017 at 10:41am
I got you on the picture Crimbo...will be back to feed later
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 July 2017 at 10:43am
Thanks man your a star..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 July 2017 at 12:07am
Crim, really nice to see you participating!

I thoroughly enjoyed this . Can't do a full bar by bar breakdown atm as I'm on my phone, but the first stanza set a very interesting tone for the preceding lines. Your first two bars were vividly descriptive and I can really appreciate the visual language here. You also had a nice and rather consistent scheme which is great to see now considering your earlier drops. Impressive elevation to say the least. The MJ reference seemed slightly out of place with regard to the overall imagery you employed but I thought it also added even more intrigue to it, imo, as I kinda like obscure references at times. The second stanza was very entertaining and did the picture justice in terms of inclusion. I liked the gore may/joe references as they easily aided this piece in its authenticity. Loved how you carried the narrative towards a very direct one, it also had a script-like tone to it which made it more impressive. Your next stanza was nice and provided a sufficient 'reveal' of the scenery and an elaboration, as I found. But I do think that there were very few instances were the wording seemed not as natural, like the 'previous kin' elaboration. And even though your schemes weren't as consistent as in your beginning, I really liked this segment for its almost circus-like 'atmosphere'. Your final stanza provides a nice closure to your concept, and I liked how you carried on the tone of your previous stanza. I think overall it's a quite creative take on the picture. I just think you could've been more consistent with your schemes, but the flow was nice regardless. I also really liked how you focused on one main subject within the picture rather than trying to elaborate on everyone in great detail. Thanks for sharing.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 July 2017 at 7:23pm
+ves:

Creative use of the image, liked that you took the old guy from side and spun the story about him.

Liked how you worked in some smart references, I personally quite like the MJ as although it's old school it's relevant to the picture. The Gore May one was cool as well. You also layered in a lot of "colour" which is important to creating a real authentic feel to your story.

Enjoyed the 4 segment approach to the story, nice way of telling it and was thoughtful.

Builds:

I think your narrative could've been stronger, as although I liked the creativity of your splitting into segments I did find it a bit difficult to follow and the sections didn't have different 'voices' which didnt seem consistent with your chosen format.

Also think you need to work on some of your fundamentals of rhyming. Your rhymes could be a lot more sophisticated as your only rhyming on 1 syllable for example which is pretty basic. You can overdo it of course but as a relative newcomer trying to focus on making your rhymes more complex will help you understand the mechanics of making the rhythm flow more and then you can dial down the rhymes again once you have improved your understanding of the flow.

I am glad to see you dropping though, as this will help you improve your understanding and enjoyment of others drops as well. The more you learn yourself the more critical you can be of others (in a positive sense) and that will empower you to develop more yourself. You must be the only person in history who feeds way more than he should vs. Writing/dropping. It's admirable but I would like to see you writing more and I'm encouraged to see you dipping your toe into the water.

Good effort man, keep dropping.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 July 2017 at 7:24pm
Oh and I also dug the clattering/rattling stuff at the start...details like that really bring it to life. You can imagine being in a noisy kitchen and all that kind of background noise. That was dope.
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