Spotlight: [KOTM] Topical Punch [KOTM]

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DjFlame View Drop Down
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    Posted: 28 July 2017 at 4:56am


Giant bugs fighting, met this world and hit it off clean
Swipe after swipe like I'm watching Tinder bots meet
All the world's a stage but I'm in the wrong scene
Paid reality actor, must be Jenner offspring
Is this my new gig? I'd swear this is so real
Got lost, productions gotta bear with me, no Grilles
Feel a dude's breath as hot as Laramie's, no chill
Dude's slobbering as he stares at his only meal
"I ain't yo breakfast" I mumbled like I'm Rapper T
Badly weak, I'm more like shrimp at Applebee's
And daddy teaches to resolve conflict passively
Law of nature: every Savage beast has to eat
So my acts of peace have to reap an olive branch
And in a philosophic sense is how my arms extend
Killing another honest man is as hard as death
It'd nullify every reason why my heart has bled

No weapons, a quick duck and I'll swing
Tight and compact, his punches like concrete
Dominant fat chick, he's struggling to off me
Violence is fun, but fuck, it's the wrong thing
"Cut... And scene...." I hear the speakers blare
"I figure four more rounds," but I don't see no Flair
"Five, four, three, two one, now we on air"
Now I see the cameras, imagine people staring
It's time for me to get serious
Who'd've thought I was an exhibitionist?
Cleaner hits, I hope my friends see this shit
Itchy for a kill, I turn into a Simpsons skit
He frikkin' quits, he yells to let the producer know
"This is for TV, everyone but you was told...."
Broke his neck just because he got too damn close
Guess that's what happens when the True Man Shows
He only here to warn us what the plan is
The hour is upon us, it's bananas
Born alone, die alone, no matter who your man is
Hope he live long enough to tell it to his grandkids
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DjFlame View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DjFlame Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 July 2017 at 11:27pm
Requesting this be moved to the spotlight for BL4.
He only here to warn us what the plan is
The hour is upon us, it's bananas
Born alone, die alone, no matter who your man is
Hope he live long enough to tell it to his grandkids
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Neek View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2017 at 5:07am
man, this was really good. I came in here expecting straight trash, but I think youre honestly the best writer here. the way you use words to describe things is fucking uncanny.

"No Grilles" and "Shrimp at Applebees" were def the highlights for me. they had me cackling like you wouldnt believe. shame this doesnt have more feed. honestly best piece ive read this year. good job bro.
#Bananas
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DjFlame Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2017 at 5:20am
Originally posted by Neek Neek wrote:

man, this was really good. I came in here expecting straight trash, but I think youre honestly the best writer here. the way you use words to describe things is fucking uncanny.

"No Grilles" and "Shrimp at Applebees" were def the highlights for me. they had me cackling like you wouldnt believe. shame this doesnt have more feed. honestly best piece ive read this year. good job bro.


Fuck you dude you know that shits unnecessary. I put in work, and you give a shitty sarcastic response for "feed."

This ain't a good look for you Neek. Who you tryna impress?

Edited by DjFlame - 31 July 2017 at 5:44am
He only here to warn us what the plan is
The hour is upon us, it's bananas
Born alone, die alone, no matter who your man is
Hope he live long enough to tell it to his grandkids
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Neek View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2017 at 8:40am
Originally posted by DjFlame DjFlame wrote:


Fuck you dude you know that shits unnecessary. I put in work, and you give a shitty sarcastic response for "feed."

This ain't a good look for you Neek. Who you tryna impress?




whoa... maybe thats why your verses are slept on. what a terrible attitude. I came in here and gave you my opinion which was extremely positive and you start off with "fuck you" ?? wow. I am disgusted.


secondly, if I was looking for "good looks" id be trying to impress someone.. but since im doing neither? whats your deal? why this tough guy shit?

your verse was dope as fuck. I hope you win man but jesus calm yourself bro. I liked you better as april comet.
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daydizzle89 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2017 at 1:36pm
This was pretty cool. Nice little similis and such here. Story didnt progress as i wanted. I was hoping for more development in your story. Rhymes came off a little hiccupy but not to bad.

All the world's a stage but I'm in the wrong scene
Paid reality actor, must be Jenner offspring
________________________________

Here the flow hiccuped even though
the end multi rhyme was good.

And daddy teaches to resolve conflict passively
Law of nature: every Savage beast has to eat
_______________________________________

This worked.


Overall - You have everything in place, you just have to rearrange a few things. Not bad though.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2017 at 7:06pm
Honestly, I'm impressed with this. Kinda wish the story progressed bar to bar but this was a nice and fresh twist on things and I commend you for experimenting and stepping out into not too familiar territory with bringing punchline game in with the topical scene.

Opened up nicely to set the tone and closed off in the same manner rather effectively.

Law of nature bar worked very well, the tight and compact/punches like concrete was nicely put in and also works as an allegory to your own writtens, and overall everything flowed nicely and was smooth, and surprisingly for what you did here nothing came out forced, which I want to give you mad props for.

I must add, that this is one of the most interesting reads I've been able to have in a while and easily the best I've had from you so I definitely want to see more like this.
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Neek View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2017 at 7:18pm
^^^^^^ boom
#Bananas
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DjFlame View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DjFlame Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2017 at 7:36pm
@Dizzle- Absolutely. The hardest part about this was keeping the bars short while still trying to incorporate wordplay. I'll look into developing the story further when writing with this style again.

@Daemon- Glad to see you on the boards again. You're becoming a better writer since when we had beef lol. You should submit an entry! You got until the 9th, shoot me a PM if you want any advice/feed before you post yours.
As for your feed, I had a lot of fun writing this. I'll be bringing this style back soon! Punches like Concrete was a reference to the battler though thanks for the compliment.

@Neek- Sorry about our misunderstanding. I'm glad we could clear it up without cluttering up this thread. I really dug Cruel Summer.
He only here to warn us what the plan is
The hour is upon us, it's bananas
Born alone, die alone, no matter who your man is
Hope he live long enough to tell it to his grandkids
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Neek View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 August 2017 at 10:48am
anyway, just to further expand, in particular things we discussed...


I hate predictable shit.. like with a fervor. I never got the feeling I knew what you were going to say next and that holds more weight with me than nine syllabol rhymes and wordplay. I felt the narrative was good.. it felt fun.. this kinda topic has two ways about it.. either you go super dark or super funny. which makes me it awesome to do.


anyhow. I may have went a bit overboard with my fav piece this year. I think the oz joint is my fav with rhet, self and sammy. but this ranks top two...top five at the lowest end.

keep dropping man and get to know thy neighbors
#Bananas
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