Open Mic: Ladies & Dragons pt.3

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000102

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Ladies & Dragons pt.3
    Posted: 20 October 2018 at 12:08pm

The picture of his father figure is one of resentment

Contempt, envy and even hate after she sent him

Yeaaah!!!
Fuck you talking about? I am the fucking father now

How casual sex turned real so quick, I’m lost and doubt

This ugly ass kid is mine but ay, shit happens when you fuck around
Now I’m stuck with your bullshit, crying constantly and I’m the culprit?
Your mom is fucking nuts for dropping you in the moonlit… night
Me? I was on my hood shit,

Fights and hardships ain’t nothing new to me right?

Right. Click on the LINK and see what I did to women bro

So fuck the both of you, you’re someone I didn’t want to know

If God gave me a second chance I would’ve dumped that ho
Elope like Clef with a stripper name Nicole, leave yo momma torn and broke

Huh… Torn and broke…

 

 

BUT I FUCKED UP!… Lords knows I fucked up
Had conversations with the homies like tough luck

What you gonna do with the kid? He won’t shut up

Probably take him to the ball park and fuck hi.. fuck…

Yo, you tell me what I’m supposed to do?

If you only knew how perfect my life was like… why you here? 

I’m not even close to you, don’t approach me dude
Don’t even call me daddy, why you so confused?

We might share similar facial features but I didn’t even go to school

How am I gonna care for you? I don’t even know what to do

I might have a lot of money and know some about heaps of drugs

But none of that shit can teach you love

 

 

Damn… Okay, I got this… So this is what a dad’s life is?
Changing diapers and working nine to fivers
Be some sort of guidance? Comfort you when you’re crying
Heart beating scared when it’s quiet because it’s too silent?
There’s a new destination on the horizon and I’m scared
Cuz it feels like we’re crashing and I’m the failing pilot
Constantly wiping your face because you eat disgusting

Smile at your face because dawg… You eat disgusting

Dress you up in fly shit and laugh at girls, leave them blushing
Yo even though you was a mistake…

I love to deal with the repercussion if that’s you, I swear
I don’t hate your mother, it’s just that we have our differences
She was looking for love and I was pimpin shit, indifferent
Bitter, sick and tired of the imagine my dad...

Actually forget it, I failed the both of you and I regret it

You’re the lesson that I will invest in, make you a better man

And that’s my apology to your mom, I hope she accept it

#Bananas

Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000102

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 October 2018 at 4:39pm
Upping this!
#Bananas

Back to Top
iLL ScriptureZ View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 13 May 2014
Location: NJ
Status: Offline
Points: 2477

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 11-5-1
Form: LWWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 October 2018 at 4:59pm
Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

The picture of his father figure is one of resentment

Contempt, envy and even hate after she sent him

Yeaaah!!!
Fuck you talking about? I am the fucking father now

How casual sex turned real so quick, I’m lost and doubt

This ugly ass kid is mine but ay, shit happens when you fuck around



I probably read the previous installments of this but I'll be honest, I don't recall them. I guess in the future, link them in the drop (if you continue this) for a quick skim to refresh the memory. I got so much going on I don't know which way is up anymore. I digress... So you open this up with the emotion of ultimate dislike for this person. It seems reciprocated as well, where the father is dealing with this shit kid he never wanted. One thing I'd like to note is I think you meant to write "lost in doubt"

Quote
Now I’m stuck with your bullshit, crying constantly and I’m the culprit?
Your mom is fucking nuts for dropping you in the moonlit… night
Me? I was on my hood shit,

Fights and hardships ain’t nothing new to me right?

Right. Click on the LINK and see what I did to women bro

So fuck the both of you, you’re someone I didn’t want to know

If God gave me a second chance I would’ve dumped that ho
Elope like Clef with a stripper name Nicole, leave yo momma torn and broke

Huh… Torn and broke…


So, this is coming off like a less murder/violent version of Kim. I really like the conversational approach it gives. I usually hate conversations plugged in, and with that said, I've written pieces that were 99% conversational. They usually do not seem natural or genuine, but this seems like a stream of conscious thought as the dad. The soliloquy so far is money. Ah, thanks for the link I referred to earlier! 


Quote

BUT I FUCKED UP!… Lords knows I fucked up
Had conversations with the homies like tough luck

What you gonna do with the kid? He won’t shut up

Probably take him to the ball park and fuck hi.. fuck…

Yo, you tell me what I’m supposed to do?

If you only knew how perfect my life was like… why you here? 

I’m not even close to you, don’t approach me dude
Don’t even call me daddy, why you so confused?

We might share similar facial features but I didn’t even go to school

How am I gonna care for you? I don’t even know what to do

I might have a lot of money and know some about heaps of drugs

But none of that shit can teach you love


Now we are getting to the real reason for the wanting to neglect this child. The character doesn't know how to care for/love this kid. It may be because the character himself was never loved and does not know how to naturally feel that connection. This makes that hardened character vulnerable which is exactly what children do. This was a nice tie-in.


Quote

Damn… Okay, I got this… So this is what a dad’s life is?
Changing diapers and working nine to fivers
Be some sort of guidance? Comfort you when you’re crying
Heart beating scared when it’s quiet because it’s too silent?
There’s a new destination on the horizon and I’m scared
Cuz it feels like we’re crashing and I’m the failing pilot
Constantly wiping your face because you eat disgusting

Smile at your face because dawg… You eat disgusting

Dress you up in fly shit and laugh at girls, leave them blushing


In an around about way, you're describing parenthood. The always checking on them because they're too quiet. Especially when they're sleeping to see if they're breathing. You incorporated something very interesting in this portion. And that was the smile at your face part. The above sections indicate that this guy is always serious and doesn't smile, if he does, I'm sure it's because of money or jokes with the homies but this is a pure smile. Nice touch.


Quote
Yo even though you was a mistake…

I love to deal with the repercussion if that’s you, I swear
I don’t hate your mother, it’s just that we have our differences
She was looking for love and I was pimpin shit, indifferent
Bitter, sick and tired of the imagine my dad...

Actually forget it, I failed the both of you and I regret it

You’re the lesson that I will invest in, make you a better man

And that’s my apology to your mom, I hope she accept it

Great tie-in and closer. You were able to bring the character's growth full circle and it was nice to see the progression. 


Edited by iLL ScriptureZ - 22 October 2018 at 5:35pm
Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000102

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 October 2018 at 5:39pm
Blessing for the feedback fam. The lost and doubt is supposed to be like that. It should be

"I'm lost,
And doubt this ugly ass"
#Bananas

Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 3258
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-11-0
Form: LLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 October 2018 at 6:05pm
This is really turning out to be a ripe series,even though their a little spaced apart,
This was solid on many levels i thought,the progression of the story,or should i type
the running overall theme,the first one was about abuse via domestic violenece and
following in the fathers footsteps,but this one here is more of a darker tale in comp-
arison,more of a mental abuse scenario which cuts deeper and scars worst than
physical abuse,the emotion was strong on the whole,as this had many relatable vibes
to draw that conclusion,uncaring/devoid of love/trapped ect ect,solid display there,i
really enjoyed this offering dude,just wish you'd space them a little closer together...
solid read..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
Back to Top
Sammy View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar
Beacon of Light

Joined: 24 October 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 2222
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-1
Form: LNW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 October 2018 at 11:28pm
Deezy!!

ok, so i'm gonna be straight honest with u, bruh. this was dope. 

yo you have that hanging rhyme scheme that me and alice are so fond of lol. It fucks with the read but if you read it properly you'll catch it and its smooth as hell. 

The picture of his father figure is one of resentment

Contempt, envy and even hate after she sent him

Yeaaah!!!
Fuck you talking about? I am the fucking father now

How casual sex turned real so quick, I’m lost and doubt

This ugly ass kid is mine but ay, shit happens when you fuck around
Now I’m stuck with your bullshit, crying constantly and I’m the culprit?
Your mom is fucking nuts for dropping you in the moonlit… night
Me? I was on my hood shit,

Fights and hardships ain’t nothing new to me right?

Right. Click on the LINK and see what I did to women bro

So fuck the both of you, you’re someone I didn’t want to know

If God gave me a second chance I would’ve dumped that ho
Elope like Clef with a stripper name Nicole, leave yo momma torn and broke

Huh… Torn and broke…


the conversational tone of your diction was like a familar friend. I try to do stuff like that but can never pull it off with the same degree of tongue in cheek style you do. I feel you've developed your own style man. And for the record, i recently wrote a line where it had the same "right, right?" shit!! I'm not sure if i ever posted it but fuck you for building it around a better concept!


BUT I FUCKED UP!… Lords knows I fucked up
Had conversations with the homies like tough luck

What you gonna do with the kid? He won’t shut up

Probably take him to the ball park and fuck hi.. fuck…

Yo, you tell me what I’m supposed to do?

If you only knew how perfect my life was like… why you here? 

I’m not even close to you, don’t approach me dude
Don’t even call me daddy, why you so confused?

We might share similar facial features but I didn’t even go to school

How am I gonna care for you? I don’t even know what to do

I might have a lot of money and know some about heaps of drugs

But none of that shit can teach you love


the voice was consistent here, resulting in a strong characterization. well done, u foreigner. the ending was a bit forced in a conceptual standpoint. Too thick for this type of satirical style.


Damn… Okay, I got this… So this is what a dad’s life is?
Changing diapers and working nine to fivers
Be some sort of guidance? Comfort you when you’re crying
Heart beating scared when it’s quiet because it’s too silent?
There’s a new destination on the horizon and I’m scared
Cuz it feels like we’re crashing and I’m the failing pilot 
Constantly wiping your face because you eat disgusting

Smile at your face because dawg… You eat disgusting

Dress you up in fly shit and laugh at girls, leave them blushing
Yo even though you was a mistake…

I love to deal with the repercussion if that’s you, I swear
I don’t hate your mother, it’s just that we have our differences
She was looking for love and I was pimpin shit, indifferent
Bitter, sick and tired of the imagine my dad...

Actually forget it, I failed the both of you and I regret it

You’re the lesson that I will invest in, make you a better man

And that’s my apology to your mom, I hope she accept it


the subtlety of the flow and scheme was fuckin crazy. It was like a smorgasbord of inners, assonance, multies but not format in the conventional sense. I call it the "just go" flow ha. 


Overall this was a dope verse. Great character sketch with some very organic emotion that was communicated through a series of internal dialogue. good job. 



Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000102

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 October 2018 at 11:53am
Thank you all for the kind words famsies. You're all special and every single one of you deserve a toaster grill like mine!
#Bananas

Back to Top
alicewonder View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member


Joined: 09 May 2015
Location: uk
Status: Offline
Points: 653
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-1-2
Form: WWLNN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 November 2018 at 8:24am
I know I’m kinda late to this, but I just wanted to say that this was an amazing read.
Sorry it took me so long to comment!

To start off, I thoroughly enjoyed the weaving in and out of the poetic tale and direct, very authentic language throughout. It’s especially evident in your opening segment, with the tale-like description of the current circumstance and the change of addressee/direct tone. The balance of this poetic and direct approach is done very well, to the degree that it’s more than relatable (it was like the reader’s “accompanying” you).

The highlights to me were the self-reflecting, almost confessional type of segments in the middle and ending parts (can’t quote atm cause of my phone). The development of the character was authentic and almost had a feeling of mind travelling to it. The scheme in the entire “heart beating scared” segment was incredible, rather subtle at some parts but it’s the “type” of schemes that’s most enjoyable, if done right. That line is also another highlight of its own imo. I think the tone of your second segment with the “you tell me what I’m supposed to do?” and the closing line of “teach you love” doesn’t quite match the atmosphere between the lines in that particular segment, as it feels like the change of insight happened too fast, if that makes sense? That’s a rather minor point though. I vaguely remember the preceding verses and this one is a great continuation of those. Glad you shared this.
Back to Top
ΔE(t) View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 28 November 2018
Location: California
Status: Offline
Points: 50
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote ΔE(t) Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 November 2018 at 6:39pm
I’m new here and not too technical but this is dope. I like how cohesive it is and the character development is smooth. It sounds very genuine so it takes the reader on that trip with you.
Back to Top
Tru_Booty View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 03 December 2018
Status: Offline
Points: 23
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Tru_Booty Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 December 2018 at 9:10am
Dope af man. I really felt the story here and the pressure of having a kid you didn't plan. Not that I've been through it but you conveyed the message so well that I really felt like I understood what you were/are going through. I love verses that make me feel like that, like I'm looking through a lens at your life. fucking brilliant shit.
also a little side note. I don't know if they were supposed to but some of the bars made me laugh, (maybe I'm just a sick fuck) example: "This ugly ass kid is mine but ay, shit happens when you fuck around" I lol'd here and a few others in there..great work bro.
Back to Top
Endeavor View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

Joined: 03 April 2009
Location: Your kitchen
Status: Offline
Points: 10000102

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 5-4-0
Form: WWLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 December 2018 at 11:43am
Thanks for the feeds my famsies. I'll be sure to return the favor mmmkaaayyyyyy?!?!?!??!?!?!?!
#Bananas

Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down