Open Mic: Ladies & Dragons pt.3 |
Post Reply |
Author | |||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Posted: 20 October 2018 at 12:08pm |
||||
The picture of his father figure is one of resentment Contempt, envy and even hate after she sent him Yeaaah!!! How casual sex turned real so quick, I’m lost and doubt This ugly ass kid is mine but ay, shit happens when you fuck around Fights and hardships ain’t nothing new to me right? Right. Click on the LINK and see what I did to women bro So fuck the both of you, you’re someone I didn’t want to know If God gave me a second chance I would’ve dumped that ho Huh… Torn and broke… BUT I FUCKED UP!… Lords knows I fucked up What you gonna do with the kid? He won’t shut up Probably take him to the ball park and fuck hi.. fuck… Yo, you tell me what I’m supposed to do? If you only knew how perfect my life was like… why you here? I’m not even close to you, don’t approach me dude We might share similar facial features but I didn’t even go to school How am I gonna care for you? I don’t even know what to do I might have a lot of money and know some about heaps of drugs But none of that shit can teach you love Damn… Okay, I got this… So this is what a dad’s life is? Smile at your face because dawg… You eat disgusting Dress you up in fly shit and laugh at girls, leave them blushing I love to deal with the repercussion if that’s you, I swear Actually forget it, I failed the both of you and I regret it You’re the lesson that I will invest in, make you a better man |
|||||
#Bananas
|
|||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Upping this!
|
|||||
#Bananas
|
|||||
iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
I probably read the previous installments of this but I'll be honest, I don't recall them. I guess in the future, link them in the drop (if you continue this) for a quick skim to refresh the memory. I got so much going on I don't know which way is up anymore. I digress... So you open this up with the emotion of ultimate dislike for this person. It seems reciprocated as well, where the father is dealing with this shit kid he never wanted. One thing I'd like to note is I think you meant to write "lost in doubt"
So, this is coming off like a less murder/violent version of Kim. I really like the conversational approach it gives. I usually hate conversations plugged in, and with that said, I've written pieces that were 99% conversational. They usually do not seem natural or genuine, but this seems like a stream of conscious thought as the dad. The soliloquy so far is money. Ah, thanks for the link I referred to earlier! BUT I FUCKED UP!… Lords knows I fucked up What you gonna do with the kid? He won’t shut up Probably take him to the ball park and fuck hi.. fuck… Yo, you tell me what I’m supposed to do? If you only knew how perfect my life was like… why you here? I’m not even close to you, don’t approach me dude We might share similar facial features but I didn’t even go to school How am I gonna care for you? I don’t even know what to do I might have a lot of money and know some about heaps of drugs But none of that shit can teach you love Now we are getting to the real reason for the wanting to neglect this child. The character doesn't know how to care for/love this kid. It may be because the character himself was never loved and does not know how to naturally feel that connection. This makes that hardened character vulnerable which is exactly what children do. This was a nice tie-in.
In an around about way, you're describing parenthood. The always checking on them because they're too quiet. Especially when they're sleeping to see if they're breathing. You incorporated something very interesting in this portion. And that was the smile at your face part. The above sections indicate that this guy is always serious and doesn't smile, if he does, I'm sure it's because of money or jokes with the homies but this is a pure smile. Nice touch.
I love to deal with the repercussion if that’s you, I swear Actually forget it, I failed the both of you and I regret it You’re the lesson that I will invest in, make you a better man |
|||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Blessing for the feedback fam. The lost and doubt is supposed to be like that. It should be
"I'm lost, And doubt this ugly ass" |
|||||
#Bananas
|
|||||
Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
This is really turning out to be a ripe series,even though their a little spaced apart,
This was solid on many levels i thought,the progression of the story,or should i type the running overall theme,the first one was about abuse via domestic violenece and following in the fathers footsteps,but this one here is more of a darker tale in comp- arison,more of a mental abuse scenario which cuts deeper and scars worst than physical abuse,the emotion was strong on the whole,as this had many relatable vibes to draw that conclusion,uncaring/devoid of love/trapped ect ect,solid display there,i really enjoyed this offering dude,just wish you'd space them a little closer together... solid read..peace. |
|||||
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
|||||
Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Deezy!!
ok, so i'm gonna be straight honest with u, bruh. this was dope. yo you have that hanging rhyme scheme that me and alice are so fond of lol. It fucks with the read but if you read it properly you'll catch it and its smooth as hell. The picture of his father figure is one of resentment Contempt, envy and even hate after she sent him Yeaaah!!! How casual sex turned real so quick, I’m lost and doubt This ugly ass kid is mine but ay, shit happens when you fuck around Fights and hardships ain’t nothing new to me right? Right. Click on the LINK and see what I did to women bro So fuck the both of you, you’re someone I didn’t want to know If God gave me a second chance I would’ve dumped that ho Huh… Torn and broke… the conversational tone of your diction was like a familar friend. I try to do stuff like that but can never pull it off with the same degree of tongue in cheek style you do. I feel you've developed your own style man. And for the record, i recently wrote a line where it had the same "right, right?" shit!! I'm not sure if i ever posted it but fuck you for building it around a better concept! BUT I FUCKED UP!… Lords knows I fucked up What you gonna do with the kid? He won’t shut up Probably take him to the ball park and fuck hi.. fuck… Yo, you tell me what I’m supposed to do? If you only knew how perfect my life was like… why you here? I’m not even close to you, don’t approach me dude We might share similar facial features but I didn’t even go to school How am I gonna care for you? I don’t even know what to do I might have a lot of money and know some about heaps of drugs But none of that shit can teach you love the voice was consistent here, resulting in a strong characterization. well done, u foreigner. the ending was a bit forced in a conceptual standpoint. Too thick for this type of satirical style. Damn… Okay, I got this… So this is what a dad’s life is? Smile at your face because dawg… You eat disgusting Dress you up in fly shit and laugh at girls, leave them blushing I love to deal with the repercussion if that’s you, I swear Actually forget it, I failed the both of you and I regret it You’re the lesson that I will invest in, make you a better man And that’s my apology to your mom, I hope she accept it the subtlety of the flow and scheme was fuckin crazy. It was like a smorgasbord of inners, assonance, multies but not format in the conventional sense. I call it the "just go" flow ha. Overall this was a dope verse. Great character sketch with some very organic emotion that was communicated through a series of internal dialogue. good job. |
|||||
|
|||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Thank you all for the kind words famsies. You're all special and every single one of you deserve a toaster grill like mine!
|
|||||
#Bananas
|
|||||
alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
I know I’m kinda late to this, but I just wanted to say that this was an amazing read.
Sorry it took me so long to comment! To start off, I thoroughly enjoyed the weaving in and out of the poetic tale and direct, very authentic language throughout. It’s especially evident in your opening segment, with the tale-like description of the current circumstance and the change of addressee/direct tone. The balance of this poetic and direct approach is done very well, to the degree that it’s more than relatable (it was like the reader’s “accompanying” you). The highlights to me were the self-reflecting, almost confessional type of segments in the middle and ending parts (can’t quote atm cause of my phone). The development of the character was authentic and almost had a feeling of mind travelling to it. The scheme in the entire “heart beating scared” segment was incredible, rather subtle at some parts but it’s the “type” of schemes that’s most enjoyable, if done right. That line is also another highlight of its own imo. I think the tone of your second segment with the “you tell me what I’m supposed to do?” and the closing line of “teach you love” doesn’t quite match the atmosphere between the lines in that particular segment, as it feels like the change of insight happened too fast, if that makes sense? That’s a rather minor point though. I vaguely remember the preceding verses and this one is a great continuation of those. Glad you shared this. |
|||||
ΔE(t)
Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50 |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
I’m new here and not too technical but this is dope. I like how cohesive it is and the character development is smooth. It sounds very genuine so it takes the reader on that trip with you.
|
|||||
Tru_Booty
Groupie Joined: 03 December 2018 Status: Offline Points: 23 |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Dope af man. I really felt the story here and the pressure of having a kid you didn't plan. Not that I've been through it but you conveyed the message so well that I really felt like I understood what you were/are going through. I love verses that make me feel like that, like I'm looking through a lens at your life. fucking brilliant shit.
also a little side note. I don't know if they were supposed to but some of the bars made me laugh, (maybe I'm just a sick fuck) example: "This ugly ass kid is mine but ay, shit happens when you fuck around" I lol'd here and a few others in there..great work bro.
|
|||||
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
||||
Thanks for the feeds my famsies. I'll be sure to return the favor mmmkaaayyyyyy?!?!?!??!?!?!?!
|
|||||
#Bananas
|
|||||
Post Reply | |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|