Open Mic: Lay brick

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spume corrupt View Drop Down
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    Posted: 31 August 2017 at 11:29pm

So trying to work on my transition to audio, don't usually write my text works to a beat, I definitely think the two formats are different and writing text is my comfort zone
Enjoying doing this though, first verse recorded on my phone will post up when complete
Thoughts?
...................

Everyday I lay brick, but all I'm building is debt
Another letter in the post and it fills me with dread
Head forced in the ground, is that wilful neglect?
Fall short of a pound like my build is defective
All the beef in my head is the filth I've ingested
I feel sucked out and drained like the milk of a breast is
How can I deal with the stress when check this....
A lethal injection won't make me forget shit!
No fucking secret all the money in the world
That is something you can keep cos I got nothing left to sell
See I been dumped in the freeze got me heated up like hell
Then I was punched to my knees an I was beaten up as well
Now I could climb to my feet, walk the line like a sheep
Stay resigned to defeat and never rise to my peak
But my mind won't concede, it's not designed to be weak
All it needs is a tweak an I could shine like a beacon

Hook
I see you you're shining
You see me I'm shining
Take that light combine it
What we need we'll find it.......x2

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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 September 2017 at 12:10pm
Dude i liked how you opened up this piece,by using the layering of bricks to sum up
building a life story or legacy here,i thought it was a cool concept that tied the title in
well also,and that's from your first bar alone,however i would of liked to have seen a
better choice in words too in this first bar,using the word dread at the end of the 2nd
line seemed to lesson the impact some,i would of gone with the word regret as this
keeps the rhyming scheme moving whilst still being meaningful,anyways this piece
did flow well overall with that said,your similes were good (suckled out/drain/breast)
to hash out just one,but what really liked was the whole metaphor of how the bricks
no matter how they placed represents that moment in time/life,they also seem to act
like stages or memories too,your imagery was subtle but impacting and the fact that
not everybody in life is capable of being a tradesmen (brickie or carpenter),most have
to do what they can to get by so as in life some will be privy to a beautiful wall,most
won't,i loved that concept and detail there,overall an entertaining read with thought
provoking content,which in turn highlights the social world via a different point of
view or take,solid work that I would like to hear in an audio presentation,good work
fellow..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
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Goryo. View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 September 2017 at 1:25pm
Yeah your style works with this structure. Used to seeing longer bars etc from you but you made the transition quite well. For the most part I could see this working on audio (internals and partial rhymes elped that a lot) though the 'check this' and 'heated up like hell' lines kinda fucked the flow for me. Maybe you have a certain way of spitting it that works but even if you don't you said it's something outta your comfort zone. Plenty room for improvement but you know what you're doing. Content wise it reminded me of Rock Bottom by Eminem. Had the same kinda vibe and content. It's a well-done topic but what makes it always interesting is that everyone has their own unique story for that style.
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iLL ScriptureZ View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 September 2017 at 3:45pm
No bad Spume.. near the end you had real nice 4-5 syllable internals shining your text approach nicely. I think that the "world" line through me off... it doesnt compliment the line before or after it. and is just there. I'm strictly talking rhyme here not content. other than that it was decent man.
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