Open Mic: Maybe |
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Evan_907
Newbie Joined: 05 April 2018 Location: Alaksa Status: Offline Points: 5 |
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Posted: 20 April 2018 at 6:42am |
Maybe I'll just turn to drugs/ maybe I'll start sippin' lean/ maybe I'll start smoking weed/ you know a nigga feeling weak/ maybe I'll just get up and leave/ fly to a state/ lose me some weight/ and shape me a new face/ find me a new place/ maybe I'll get a new start/ watch all my previous friendships fall apart/
Maybe |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Decisions decisions,i liked this short piece here came off as quant really,dealing
with choices in life that could lead to a better good is never easy,with cutting the apron strings on what is the norm,puzzling really that we draw comfort from the norm,even if its going bad,as this piece stands,it's fine,but your structure is hold- ing it back some though,the simplicity of your rhyme scheme was in some ways refreshing,but could easily be enhanced by using assonance,or multi's,via word or syllable,still nice little read here..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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What up Evan. So... the concept of "maybe" has mad potential. I think you barely scratched the surface of that because you could've gotten much deeper. You are talking about starting drugs, feeling weak, fleeing, starting up, friendships breaking... answer the why, how, when, what. You just told us these things happened but to expand your writing, describe it. Your structure is in paragraph form with the slashes separating your bars. Below is a proper way to structure your future work.
Maybe I'll turn to drugs Maybe I'll start sippin' lean Maybe I'll start smoking weed You know a nigga feeling week Maybe I'll just get up and leave Fly to a state Lose me some weight And shape me a new face Find me a new place Maybe I'll get a new start Watch all my previous friendships fall apart Maybe Upon reviewing the above structure, you could probably expand the line a bit if you wanted to. Maybe I'll just turn to drugs, maybe I'll start sippin' lean Maybe I'll start smoking weed, you know a nigga feelin' weak Maybe I'll just get up and leave, fly to a state Lose me some weight and shape me a new face Find me a new place, maybe I'll get a new start Watch all of my previous friendships fall apart, maybe I think this not only looks but flows better for the reader. Just some critique. |
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