Open Mic: Maybe

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Evan_907 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 20 April 2018 at 6:42am
Maybe I'll just turn to drugs/ maybe I'll start sippin' lean/ maybe I'll start smoking weed/ you know a nigga feeling weak/ maybe I'll just get up and leave/ fly to a state/ lose me some weight/ and shape me a new face/ find me a new place/ maybe I'll get a new start/ watch all my previous friendships fall apart/
Maybe
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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 April 2018 at 1:29pm
Decisions decisions,i liked this short piece here came off as quant really,dealing
with choices in life that could lead to a better good is never easy,with cutting the
apron strings on what is the norm,puzzling really that we draw comfort from the
norm,even if its going bad,as this piece stands,it's fine,but your structure is hold-
ing it back some though,the simplicity of your rhyme scheme was in some ways
refreshing,but could easily be enhanced by using assonance,or multi's,via word
or syllable,still nice little read here..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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iLL ScriptureZ View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 April 2018 at 1:32pm
What up Evan. So... the concept of "maybe" has mad potential. I think you barely scratched the surface of that because you could've gotten much deeper. You are talking about starting drugs, feeling weak, fleeing, starting up, friendships breaking... answer the why, how, when, what. You just told us these things happened but to expand your writing, describe it. Your structure is in paragraph form with the slashes separating your bars. Below is a proper way to structure your future work.

Maybe I'll turn to drugs
Maybe I'll start sippin' lean
Maybe I'll start smoking weed
You know a nigga feeling week
Maybe I'll just get up and leave
Fly to a state
Lose me some weight
And shape me a new face
Find me a new place
Maybe I'll get a new start
Watch all my previous friendships fall apart
Maybe

Upon reviewing the above structure, you could probably expand the line a bit if you wanted to. 

Maybe I'll just turn to drugs, maybe I'll start sippin' lean
Maybe I'll start smoking weed, you know a nigga feelin' weak
Maybe I'll just get up and leave, fly to a state 
Lose me some weight and shape me a new face
Find me a new place, maybe I'll get a new start
Watch all of my previous friendships fall apart, maybe

I think this not only looks but flows better for the reader. Just some critique.

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