Open Mic: MEMOIRS OF GRIEF |
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Mitch.Wagwaan
Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW |
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Posted: 02 December 2019 at 8:51am |
Surely God could alter the story if he's truly the author? Revoke 'fate'. Offer MY spirit to cross over the border. The days dawn in, No more nights to savour, Its daunting to think that I'm helpless to save her. Left feeling as empty as my hollow existence. I wish I could drain all the pain away in an instant. My presence unjust in her imminent absence. I muster "I'm so sorry" yet it carries no substance. I have to be her rock, in truth she's my boulder, I hold her as she rests her head on my shoulder. This unforgettable night feels unbearably colder, Frosty reception for the night that draws older. The bleeping of the monitor is the riddem of the reaper. Eyes keeping on at her, bed ridden and she's weaker. Sorrows hidden in the banter, her laughs feel bleaker. Lifes saddened as the warmth in her bright eyes flicker. Where's the premise in a gentle soul hung out to dry? Still, we reminisce in the times that pass us by, Laugh and cry, masking the moment our hearts die. Warped justice. In the shape of prolonged goodbye. Frail body rejecting treatment as the end is near, A pale complexion. Injecting a statement of fear. Stale fragment of tears escape my dormant exterior, My pursuit of happiness lays diminished next to her. A holy impurity feuding my heart as it strains. Slowly but surely bloods eluding her veins, The colour in her skin fades away with her pain, Its hard to restrain tears. When it pours it rains. Her ticker flat lines in tandem with my own soul, We bickered at times about landing our own goals, Now like her body that story lies stone cold. My only role was to be a home for her hands to hold. Edited by Mitch.Wagwaan - 02 December 2019 at 9:04am |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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I dug this up until substance. then I checked out on older/boulder/folders/motors/cobras/totas/baja500/aquaman/etc.
opening sequence schemes were well done, real smooth. but yeah I cant let weak rhymes get a pass. lazy writing off the tail end of some crafty shit really ruined this for me. drop again tho. |
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#Bananas
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Mitch.Wagwaan
Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW |
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Yeah solid point. Appreciate you dropping in.
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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keep posting
this showed a lot of potential; something i rapped acapella and about half sounded good coming out of me. maybe better from you, but definitely some basic stuff in there. not bad at all though
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Well this one nearly passed me by.
pro's Feeling the emotion within this drop, and in part when you did display imagery that too, i also thought you did real well in the transitioning between lines/content within, but it's the endearing quantities overall that i enjoyed the most, came off as quaint for me, and to an extent it had that real feel vibe, like it or may have come from a genuine place/ experience maybe, yeah it was cool read,i enjoyed it. cons. Only one real gripe really, i feel it read to simplistic, the subject matter chosen had a great wealth of potential to be amazing, because it warr- ants it, the metaphorical content you missed on would of lifted this up in leaps and bounds, with that typed you included enough via other ar- eas to keep this popping still. Despite my gripes i did enjoy the read here, i thought you did well to begin with but started to waned off some towards the end, but i can overlook that because this still had a lot of merit, plus you don't drop that many OM's so i can forgive you here, nice verse man..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Mitch.Wagwaan
Groupie Joined: 21 June 2014 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 380 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-5-1 Form: LNLWWW |
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AA, Crim, really appreciate the feed lads and take on board everything you had to say.
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Peeped this after reading your battle with Crim might as well give a quick feed. Aside from some basic rhyming here and there I think this was pretty solid. You manage to set a certain tone here and your use of vocab was fitting, if theres ever a topical tourney here again you should sign up.
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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I like this , it is emotional and descriptive , I like the flow .
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https://dnos.bandcamp.com
https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |
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