Open Mic: Missing you |
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Dougysnuggy 
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Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL |
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 Topic: Missing youPosted: 24 September 2013 at 2:25am |
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Since last year so much has changed... Used to think about it every day but that wont make it change.. I guess you were in pain but it drives me insane How this is the first year you weren't here the thought makes me shed a couple tears You were there my whole life and always gave me advice Now I have no one I trust and nothing seems right.. I remember the nights when you were in your late sixties working at the nursing home we'd run around there like it was home.. I'm all alone away from home I can't believe I moved. It's been a full year since I did and I still feel like it ain't true. I remember as a baby waking up in the mornings hearing you singing that Im your little sunshine and now we're separated. Now Im devastated I just can't cope without your presence I wish I could just kill myself and be the cause of your resurrection... On your death bed you were talking about making it home and I couldnt help but lose it Nothing was sadder than the thought of my nanna passing in confusion.. Your room has changed nothing stays the same The family dinners have basically stopped... The thanksgiving after you wasn't the same and steven's heart flopped.. Christmas was empty and all I thought about was you It's hard to hide all of these emotions when All I had was you You had a heart of gold and only love in your actions I wish I could go back in time to at the beach and change every time I refused to help you unpack Change every time I was defiant to go to school You were right all those times you called me a fool.. Im a fool because I never told you how much I loved you and even if I did it's still not like it's enough youre the only grandmother i had and you fought your sickness long enough From elementary to middle school those were the best years of my life Every st patricks day you'd show us what the irish dances looked like The other summer burns in my conscience I wish I hadn't responded... Like such a fucking prick when all you wanted to do was sit at the beach in peace without my 17 year old brother and his friends all getting bent... I didnt think you would've suffered from my words that were all hatred Im a spoiled little brat I wish I could go back and take all of the things I said back I just hope you didnt think that's really how I Felt.. because if it really is then I really feel like I'd have to hang myself from the belt.. This is the first Time Ive ever expressed this to anyone beside myself But I knew you passed away in the morning of november 6th, twenty twelve I was in french and I just thought of you and knew that something happened But I wasnt certain till I got home and saw a facebook status then it happened... My whole world caved in... I still cant handle it How are you gone? your wake was the worst day of my life Nsnna I wish you were still here talking to mom talking to me, devin, shit... anybody. I should've always been by your side Because I never thought of the day that you'd just suddenly die I could reminisce on the memories and write them all down here But it would only hurt more because youre not around here .. I wish you were watching me but that belief has faded. I would love to think youre up there watching me helpin me make it in this world and if I do then I swear you're gonna be known as the greatest...
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Mr. House
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Joined: 11 July 2013 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 343 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-3-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 24 September 2013 at 5:49pm |
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My condolences bro, losing family is one of the worst things you could experience. I feel like this was a keystyle that you just needed to get out in order to express yourself, so don't take any "wack" type comments to heart. Death is a part of life, and is something that is inescapable. Stay strong, focused and determined.
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Dougysnuggy
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Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL |
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Posted: 25 September 2013 at 4:20am |
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Can I get some more feed on this?...
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Dougysnuggy
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Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL |
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Posted: 29 September 2013 at 4:50pm |
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UP
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Dougysnuggy
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Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL |
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Posted: 30 September 2013 at 12:28am |
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Something with meaning gets no feed?
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Sensei Shun
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Joined: 28 September 2013 Status: Offline Points: 102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: WWLW |
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Posted: 30 September 2013 at 1:08am |
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I am going to give you two different assessments of the verse. One that gauges these in a more technical fashion, based on the standards of advanced writing. And the second being a more content driven perspective.
In terms of lyricism; this piece left alot to be desired. Some simplistic wording, and alot of instances of rhyming the same word with itself (changed/change and home/home for example). This can give the piece a dull feel; as if it were rushed or simply lacking creativity. The rhymeschemes were fairly basic, and the flow was choppy throughout alot of the verse. But in termcs of the message..This was deep shit. Very heartfelt emotion driving every line, and painting some powerful imagery. I applaud you for putting this out there, I know how hard it can be to not only pan through the emmotional whirlwind that greif can be, and write it down..But then to also put it out there for critique. My sympathy goes out to you. And in overveiw, I trully beleive that the content here out weighs the technical flaws in the verse. I hope it helped to get it off your chest. |
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Dougysnuggy
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Joined: 24 June 2013 Location: Click on that v Status: Offline Points: 1972 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 13-11-5 Form: NWWWWL |
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Posted: 30 September 2013 at 7:46pm |
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Thanks for feeding. I like the set up in your sig. I'll get around to some of your battles.
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FD5th
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Joined: 12 September 2013 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 44 |
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Posted: 01 October 2013 at 9:11pm |
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Yeah, it's hard to see that something from the heart and as personal as this doesn't get much recognition but that should be besides the point for you as the writer of the piece. I'm sure it was tough enough writing it to begin with based on the content. All of us who have been unfortunate enough to write pieces in memory of lost loved ones can surely relate to it and share the difficulty of it. Not precisely, but remotely. I have never been one to drop criticism when it comes to pieces like this, honestly so I can't tell you what's missing or needs improvement technically. You definitely opened up a lot and gave the reader a good sense of the relationship and numerous memories that really solidified the connection between writer and reader. So I will say I appreciate your openness and for giving us a chance to enter a part of your and their story. Condolences, man.
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