Elevation Centre: My BL verse
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AxyRocker View Drop Down
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Form: LLLLWL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote AxyRocker Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: My BL verse
    Posted: 26 May 2016 at 3:55pm
Looking for Advice

How did they become a team, they dissed each other Tre n Arthur
so am I to assume that you found out your moms' name was 'Martha'?

Tre couldn't write 'D.O.P.E' alone, he ain't that smart
This faggot cannot win this one even if presented a 'work of art'

Its some shakespeare story, the way 'Sword' ripped 'leader of the empire'
This guy 'hides' his name like a 'pussy' on the entire

You see Ar't' ends when 'T'rizzy starts, this team up is in shackle
I am cutting through 'Art-tri' like am beefing up a cattle (artery)

You can teach em 'Art of living' but they'll still be 'dying'
Man! after this battle we are gonna see the '2 Kings' crying

if I'll ever fear em that would only be cuz I am homophobic and they are gay
This team up is funny cuz last time I checked Art's only OM was 'Fuck Tre'

Expo - bar 1 - Dawn of justice reference
bar 2- Dope is a collaborated OM of his
Bar 3 - Swordedstylez and Tre have had quite a history
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Sky Scrapur View Drop Down
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Form: L 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 May 2016 at 5:57pm
you can teach the "art of living" but they'll still be "dying",
man after this battle we gonna see the "2kings" crying,


Set up reads ok but no punch in the next line. If it's there then it doesn't connect from the set up or support it. E.g if it was me, i'd go like

you can teach the "art of living" but they'll still be "dying",
cuz they be "destined for death" like "male spiders after fuckin",


#Yeah that's what i think it should look like. A good set up and a relevant punch that highlights ur idea more clearer.
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Form: WWWWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Beans Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 May 2016 at 6:10pm
Dying and fuckin don't rhyme
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Sky Scrapur View Drop Down
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Form: L 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 May 2016 at 6:13pm
They both end with "Ing" so to me they rhyme just fine. Anyway it's an e.g, as long as he got my point.


I know you wanna act like a little bitch infront of the site so here you are :

you can teach the "art of living" but they'll still be "dying",
cuz they be "destined for death" like "male spiders after lying",


#justtokeep you at peace Mr Beans. I know you're deeply hurt and troubled.

Edited by Sky Scrapur - 26 May 2016 at 6:20pm
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Form: WWWWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Beans Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 May 2016 at 6:22pm
Originally posted by Sky Scrapur Sky Scrapur wrote:

They both end with "Ing" so to me they rhyme just fine. Anyway it's an e.g, as long as he got my point.


I know you wanna act like a little bitch infront of the site so here you are :

you can teach the "art of living" but they'll still be "dying",
cuz they be "destined for death" like "male spiders after lying",


#justtokeep you at peace Mr Beans. I know you're deeply hurt and troubled.




Good luck with your method buddy



Anyways axy I'll feed this after work today
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Droidian View Drop Down
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Form: WWLWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Droidian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 May 2016 at 8:00pm
@ sky...well. ..only the suffixes rhyme...that's what beans was identifying..which is generally considered bad form. you can sorta get away with this in audio. but on the printed page not so much...best case scenario,a multi-syllabled word should be paired with another with the same syllable count where all syllables line up rhyme wise...this isn't always possible, but there shouldn't be too much non aligned words.

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Form: WWLWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Droidian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 May 2016 at 8:20pm
@axy...i think there were some good bits in here.   i think that people felt there were problems with either clarity of meaning in some bars, the setup and punch relationships, and how a given bar was phrased.

examples: clarity...your first bar had that superman ref, but it didn't resonate with people or they didn't quite catch it. how could you rework it so that your intended meaning came across?

2. setup and punch...bar 2's first line and second line are linked by its target, but the alleged lack of intelligence...how does that get supported by his being presented a work of art? in some ways you're dissing tre while complimenting art...i think you could make a stronger punch that follows the original line of thinking.

3. phrasing...bars 3 and 4 kinda end funny...the pussy on the entire and the beefing up a cattle bits are a touch distracting in that they look a little strange in the sentences...also the first line of your final bar is wordy and disrupts the flow of the read.   in essence these could be improved by tightening. .just ask yourself whether a given line was the best way it could be stated.

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Rutter knows best View Drop Down
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Form: WWWWLW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Rutter knows best Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 May 2016 at 9:41pm
Originally posted by Sky Scrapur Sky Scrapur wrote:

They both end with "Ing" so to me they rhyme just fine. Anyway it's an e.g, as long as he got my point.


I know you wanna act like a little bitch infront of the site so here you are :

you can teach the "art of living" but they'll still be "dying",
cuz they be "destined for death" like "male spiders after lying",


#justtokeep you at peace Mr Beans. I know you're deeply hurt and troubled.


Male Spiders die if they don't tell the truth?
#bananas
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Form: L 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 May 2016 at 9:45pm
That's not true. This issue is between me and Beans.
Don't stress about it Rutt.
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