Open Mic: My Brother, The Godsend. |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Posted: 28 July 2014 at 3:45am |
He came for me... My father passed and he was saving me.. It's like Heaven's gates had opened And it's key was gave to me And crazily... He basically... Was made the man Who took my hand In raising me...... Mother was upset. Depressed, We were distressed! I felt my father was a debt That God was told to collect... I fought Though distraught And it all felt like my fault Though I didn't cause the events I blame myself for it all..... As time passes... My life crashes... This fight's lasted for 7 years And I can't move past it... That's when I dreamed of my father.. Saw his face in the sky.. I figured it wasn't real As tears shed from my eyes.. My brother sat next to me And told me "It's okay. You have me by your side So you will get through these days"... |
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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This was a really good read man I enjoyed this nice little poem I love te topic/theme of this I wish you could see your loved ones sometimes looking after you. Anyway the schemes where good for a poem and it flowed like a poem so this was a good read man.
Keep up and stay blessed |
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Pompus
Groupie Joined: 28 April 2014 Status: Offline Points: 286 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-0-0 Form: W |
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can't say much cause i gotta go but loved the format and rhyme work, very well delivered imo, good drop man, stay up
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Freeda5thDawg
Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW |
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Really heartfelt piece. If it's personal, my condolences. Felt like a poem AND a rap at the same time. I personally liked the simplicity in the words because you can still feel emotion in them. The couplet that really hit me was "I felt my father was a debt/ That God was told to collect..." Puts in perspective how small we really are and also makes the concept of "God" seem powerless with no control of life's happenings. I also liked how the ending felt a bit painful but still finished with the sense of optimism. Short but meaningful. Nice job, Elite.
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks for the feed everyone
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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bump
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Ransom
Standard Member Joined: 30 June 2014 Location: 7 Citys Status: Offline Points: 911 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW |
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Very solid post elite, was able to feel the emotion put into the post... usually tight rhyme schemes are hard to pull off but you did a good job with this.. props to you man
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~Lyrical Death Dealer~
"The Mike Myers of Papyrus" |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Elite this was very poetic. i liked it a lot..loved the wording with how you set your scheme up..reminded me of smooth in a lot of ways. I liked the debt collect line. I feel your second verse some lines could have been touched up a bit but you have the rite idea for this type of scheme...If I was you I would hit up smooth and ask him his opinion and to give a few pointers...nice work man
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks exo, i'll def touch up some stuff and work on the flaws for my next poetic type piece. thanks for the feed.
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H4ZE
Standard Member Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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this was really dope man. Definitely had a poetic feel to it. Emotion was definitely put into this, that's easy to see man, really great piece. I really enjoy reading poetic pieces like this, schemes were nice at someparts and your simple wording really helped get your message across in an easy way. I know more about you than most of the members of LA so I know this shit came straight from your heart, rap/poetry is the way I get emotions out as well man. Great shit.
Keep writing and stay blessed man. Peace.
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks man i appreciate it
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Got a poetic vibe off this piece. The content was laced with emotion and the flow was nice. Good piece right herrrrrrr
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks day
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nigerchu
Standard Member Joined: 27 April 2014 Status: Offline Points: 682 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-6-0 Form: LLWLLL |
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Nice drop Elite. Full of emotion, tight rhyme scheme which has a high level of dificultty, so props. Overall, I like it. Stay up.
Peace.
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks man, good looks.
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