Open Mic: My Brother, The Godsend.

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Elite View Drop Down
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    Posted: 28 July 2014 at 3:45am
He came for me...
My father passed and he was saving me..
It's like Heaven's gates had opened
And it's key was gave to me
And crazily...
He basically...
Was made the man
Who took my hand
In raising me......
Mother was upset.
Depressed,
We were distressed!
I felt my father was a debt
That God was told to collect...

I fought
Though distraught
And it all felt like my fault
Though I didn't cause the events
I blame myself for it all.....
As time passes...
My life crashes...
This fight's lasted for 7 years
And I can't move past it...
That's when I dreamed of my father..
Saw his face in the sky..
I figured it wasn't real
As tears shed from my eyes..
My brother sat next to me
And told me "It's okay.
You have me by your side
So you will get through these days"...









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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Red-B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 July 2014 at 4:35am
This was a really good read man I enjoyed this nice little poem I love te topic/theme of this I wish you could see your loved ones sometimes looking after you. Anyway the schemes where good for a poem and it flowed like a poem so this was a good read man.
Keep up and stay blessed
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Pompus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 July 2014 at 6:16am
can't say much cause i gotta go but loved the format and rhyme work, very well delivered imo, good drop man, stay up
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Freeda5thDawg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 July 2014 at 11:32am
Really heartfelt piece. If it's personal, my condolences. Felt like a poem AND a rap at the same time. I personally liked the simplicity in the words because you can still feel emotion in them. The couplet that really hit me was "I felt my father was a debt/ That God was told to collect..." Puts in perspective how small we really are and also makes the concept of "God" seem powerless with no control of life's happenings. I also liked how the ending felt a bit painful but still finished with the sense of optimism. Short but meaningful. Nice job, Elite.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 July 2014 at 3:23pm
thanks for the feed everyone
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2014 at 2:48am
bump
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ransom Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2014 at 2:55am
Very solid post elite, was able to feel the emotion put into the post... usually tight rhyme schemes are hard to pull off but you did a good job with this.. props to you man
~Lyrical Death Dealer~
"The Mike Myers of Papyrus"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Exoduzt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2014 at 3:57am
Elite this was very poetic.  i liked it a lot..loved the wording with how you set your scheme up..reminded me of smooth in a lot of ways.  I liked the debt collect line.  I feel your second verse some lines could have been touched up a bit but you have the rite idea for this type of scheme...If I was you I would hit up smooth and ask him his opinion and to give a few pointers...nice work man

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2014 at 3:58am
thanks exo, i'll def touch up some stuff and work on the flaws for my next poetic type piece. thanks for the feed.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote H4ZE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2014 at 2:40pm
this was really dope man. Definitely had a poetic feel to it. Emotion was definitely put into this, that's easy to see man, really great piece. I really enjoy reading poetic pieces like this, schemes were nice at someparts and your simple wording really helped get your message across in an easy way. I know more about you than most of the members of LA so I know this shit came straight from your heart, rap/poetry is the way I get emotions out as well man. Great shit.
Keep writing and stay blessed man.
Peace.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2014 at 2:41pm
thanks man i appreciate it
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2014 at 3:29pm
Got a poetic vibe off this piece. The content was laced with emotion and the flow was nice. Good piece right herrrrrrr
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2014 at 6:48pm
thanks day
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote nigerchu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2014 at 7:36pm
Nice drop Elite. Full of emotion, tight rhyme scheme which has a high level of dificultty, so props. Overall, I like it. Stay up.

Peace.  
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Elite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2014 at 1:56am
thanks man, good looks.
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