Open Mic: Negative

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rhetorical View Drop Down
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    Posted: 10 April 2018 at 4:00am
Please sign in and have a seat sir . . . The doctor will be with you shortly 
...
..
.

It was the flavor, the substance, the travel in my chest
I saw a picture of her death inside a cloud in my breathe
I didn’t have a clue. So was it really my fault?
Or eighteen years of stress collecting dust in my vault?
Or was it a thousand thoughts of dying and living in filth?
Or the fear I felt of being another name stitched in a quilt
How the hell was I supposed to handle it? I was only 18
And it was supposed to be the consummating part of dating
But, Now im scared as fuck in the white washroom waiting
Prepared to pick tears from buckets of prayers I was saving
 
‘Oh god please help me, I swear im sorry
Ill never again let the devils temptation jar me’
 
6  hundred 66 cigarettes later I hear an intercom pitch . . .
 (((Scot Avery please report to ground level, room six)))
 
Pacing the bricks in the hall amongst kids sicker then me
And in their age place and face I see a fading flicker of me
Finally. I arrive at the door with my hand on the knob unknowing
It felt like a thousand years before that door began to open
Judgment day! . . . and I can see it dancing in her eyes
As if there was a light of god disguised telling me I’d survive
For them few sacred seconds she was like my storms cover
'n I Had an unexplainable urge to hug her as if I would my own mother
My heartfelt festered with the fact I get to live
And its probably the only time in life it felt good to be negative!!!!



Edited by rhetorical - 10 April 2018 at 4:15am
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Lord Puente View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2018 at 2:17pm
Bro.... like why the fuck won’t you write more... this was dope. I do feel as if it could have been expanded in some parts a bit more with more detail of what happened or whatever. Regardless this was hot and that closer was fuego.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2018 at 3:10pm
What I like about this is that you captured a few moments but bulked it all up with substance. We've got regret, trying to justify a possible bad outcome, pleading etc. I liked the insight as well as the external imagery. You didn't overload it with a million descriptions but the balance is just right. The way it transitioned from seeing the flicker of yourself with the sick kids to the overwhelming joy at the end was really smooth. I could totally imagine wanting to hug the nurse giving you the result.

Anyway yeah. There were a lot of elements in this that made it a very enjoyable read. Lots of detail and imagery packed into what is quite a short drop. My favourite bar would definitely be the 'flicker of me' one. Keep it up.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2018 at 4:57pm
The fear from the unknown is a bitch eh,the anticipation the waiting,i felt that all
within here,you took us on a sort of a roller coaster of a ride with this piece,it really
did reel me in,(like an angler/fish scenario),i could feel the tension that you added
through out this drop,and here's the thing,because it flowed so well,the emotions
came off a subtle,but the anticipation of waiting for the results,(via the rights of
passage),was solid in depth,i've noticed with your writing that you state things,but
because their not underlined as per say,can easily not been seen totally,or that
they can be ignored because of your style with the pen,your descriptness (if that
is a word) comes forth via a layered approach,which I think is a really cool tool to
have,to be honest i could carry on describing your skill level,but ive got a rep here
at LA,so i won't..lol.this was interesting as well as entertaining,I got a kick from this
piece here,ripe work..peace.
"There is no meaning to life,just a nature of life"
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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2018 at 5:53pm
Oh and as I read again,and just to add to that feed there,the ying and yang
angle was solid,(ie,air/water,flight/sea travel,life/death,grief/climax),all in-
triguing elements here.anyways enough from me..peace.
"There is no meaning to life,just a nature of life"
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2018 at 5:58pm
Yeah, Content wise... This was defo different. A cool ass concept and the story progression was well written. The anticipation and all was dope. Totally felt the dudes vibe in this. Shitty ass feeling waiting for that type of shit. You nailed this. The technical stuff was above par as usual and totally liking the different topic here. Good shit brother.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2018 at 6:24pm
The concept was tight and for what you gave us was good. I wish you gave us more insight. To what Crim said, the best part about this for me was that fear of the unknown. How you tied in the name of the piece and the ending drove it home. I just felt like I was missing something? I'm not sure exactly what it is. Maybe I'm just wishing it was longer? Rhet, no disrespect in my feedback though. This was a nice piece for sure... I just can't pinpoint what I'm wanting?!


..sound like my wife... smh
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote rhetorical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2018 at 6:34pm
Originally posted by Lord Puente Lord Puente wrote:

Bro.... like why the fuck won’t you write more...

just no time man. . offline stuff leaves little room for online stuff these days 


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote rhetorical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2018 at 6:37pm
@iLL ScriptureZ 

this verse was originally written for an audio collaboration. when the collab fell through, i just figured id throw it out there in text format so it wasnt completely wasted. . thanks for the feedback fam 

appreciate it everyone, ill be sure to return the feed
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 April 2018 at 3:45pm
this is dope bro. this verse definitely prescribe to the ice berg theory (coined by ernest hemingway). love how everything was sent up with this amalgamation of dread, love, fear, guilt....all without exact exposition. its not until the end that we are hinting at aids. and you never even said the word. reminds me of the short story The Hills are Like White Elephants where the story was a series of dialogue and never outright say what the main topic was about...and at the end, despite never mentioning the word, we all know it was about abortion. i'm a fan of that type of style because the wording, the phrasing has to be very precise not just to maintain hip hop sensibility but to lead readers to the lake, stopping only at the clearing and allow readers to move forward on their own to discover the lake on our own ha. dope sir.


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Schematic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 April 2018 at 11:10pm
Am Negative, Forever Evil
Negociating with Clever People
Someone inside turns every Letter Legal
A mysterious figure inside a Wrecked Cathedral
Living proof that talking to the Dead is Letal
An Emperor surrounded by the Most Infernal Witches
Crossing the Etheral Bridges, The Eternal Mistress
Sharing this Verbal Sickness with Mental Quickness
Ressurecting the Fallen Angels Severed and Limbless
The Strangest Crime Committed, Inside the Ancient Shrine
Harnessing the lifeforce out of beings in the Sacred Time
Feast on the bone marrow of the Alien Kind
An undergo several meditation sessions reaching A Satan Mind
Living within the Plague and Grime
Possessing the Coldest of Soul approaching the Murderous Goal
Adrift with the Monstrous Troll reciting the Ominous Scroll
Written by specters in darkness getting Tortured by Crows
That blaze entire fields Anne/An Conquer the Shows
Circling the scene like a Vulture that Knows
When its time to Consume Spirits like True Mystics
Destiny is the Present
JESODIST
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote rhetorical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 April 2018 at 11:58pm
^^^ thanks for the feedback. 
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