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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Posted: 21 February 2017 at 4:26pm |
I dial in the wind and the silence is primal A tribe full, i lock eyes on my rivals recite the bible, pull the trigger on his vitals My hearts at idol, The target is final this heavy hitter is harnessed nd rifled Im configured for this market, a heartless psycho When i depart for a mission its all about survival bullets whistling as i siphon up more courage The deserts high winds, the grounds a furnace Sizzling hot mags pumping rounds into the Kurds with-- A Browning 50 Cal killing these clowns for certain Im surfing the tidal sands hunting for Turbans Dont Tread On Me tat with a fucking serpent Ive found my way through Urban Combat skirmishes I do it for that saying... "Thank you man for your services" I joined the Elite craving for a purpose Its the training of the nerves and rankings A posed frame when bullets are spraying Smile on my face when the guns are blazing Raining down hot lead on hot tar'd pavement Allahu Akbar's what we are engaging with I sit afar with my cross hairs waiting with our camouflage tarp trading lead Sand grazing the skin as i graciously grin My blazonry kin brazenly screaming for victory We are the trailblazers shaping history Every shot i take is a complete mystery Terrorists think my shooting is witchery Bounty on my head till ISIS gets it Delivery Heavy artillery near my stronghold PTSD trickery as i tear into this bong toke Been home six months and still feel frigidity War i know, Normal life is outside my peripheries |
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Mad skills fam
Like you def ain't get that most elevated 2016 for Nathan's First up with that flow.... Shit was smooth as fuck, I was able to read and enjoy this at a range of speeds! That only happens when the writer HITS that Silk moment..... So really feeling the way you moved through the work also, you took the reader on a journey through various high octane scenarios and revealed at the end it was this guy's thoughts/memories/possible unfulfilled desires, tying the whole thing into the initial picture.... It's high end Topical writing fam You should jump on Cuba's twist |
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DressToKill
Superior Member Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
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I see you switched to a shorter bar style which is hard because you have less space to fit actual content in, but I found you made it work nice. Flow was really cool and the transitions between bars was pretty flawless. I think this topic is cool, I would of tried to describe a single situation vs entire combat role but that's just me. Nice work
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The original comeback kid
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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hey fam, this was a dope little scribe here. i love all things war or even more so. . gun related lol. I love imagining the looks on snowflakes faces when they read your more politically charged types of verses hahaha. . but anyway. . yea man, nice short condensed lines here. Maybe a couple places where they cold have used a word or two in the beginning, but once you got into the meat of it all it really came together. Simply let the image drive the words, and it definitely was a small ride through an ISIS killing soldiers head in that time and place. . good stuff bruh.
HOORAH!
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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thanks for the feeda yall. Much appreciated.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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I dial in the wind and the silence is primal
A tribe full, i lock eyes on my rivals recite the bible, pull the trigger on his vitals My hearts at idol, The target is final this heavy hitter is harnessed nd rifled Im configured for this market, a heartless psycho When i depart for a mission its all about survival bullets whistling as i siphon up more courage The deserts high winds, the grounds a furnace Sizzling hot mags pumping rounds into the Kurds with-- A Browning 50 Cal killing these clowns for certain Im surfing the tidal sands hunting for Turbans Dont Tread On Me tat with a fucking serpent Ive found my way through Urban Combat skirmishes (Whoa,nicely done with the flow here,aswell as multi's,I liked the inclusion of using the same sounding vowels also,for me it shows the extent and depth of your vocab,also i'm liking the theme here of a war torn landscape you've depicted too, although i'm not a gun fan on the norm,I understand their obvious inclusion here,and still I found myself enjoying the matter relating to them,as they served as part of the imagery you was projecting,which I'll say here was ripe,I'm rely enjoying this read as of yet..) I do it for that saying... "Thank you man for your services" I joined the Elite craving for a purpose Its the training of the nerves and rankings A posed frame when bullets are spraying Smile on my face when the guns are blazing Raining down hot lead on hot tar'd pavement Allahu Akbar's what we are engaging with I sit afar with my cross hairs waiting with our camouflage tarp trading lead Sand grazing the skin as i graciously grin My blazonry kin brazenly screaming for victory We are the trailblazers shaping history Every shot i take is a complete mystery Terrorists think my shooting is witchery Bounty on my head till ISIS gets it Delivery Heavy artillery near my stronghold PTSD trickery as i tear into this bong toke Been home six months and still feel frigidity War i know, Normal life is outside my peripheries (feeling the scene of being self absorbed here,and it was expressed real well also,you did have a little shakiness in parts,but this is just me trying hard to find a fault really, as your an alias I actively seek out in the OM section,I do like your pieces for their cool thought provoking subject matter and vibe,and this is yet another verse from you that i've got a kick from,anyways the displaying of emotion via tension was crafted well due to the details provided,and by using short lines,so props there as the mental picture was vivid on reading,ripe!,very well put together verse that i enjoyed reading here,great work..peace..) |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Absolutely the most improved writer on the site. Hats off to you dizzle. You have come a long fucking way. The short bar rhyming really worked for you here. Sometimes its hard to go from long bar to short ..I know from experience but you pulled it off. that tat with the serpent line was really fucking nice. This was a hard aggressive verse. Just in your face type shit. I loved it. the waiting with trading lead was dope. Very descriptive
Great job dizzle..your really becoming a force on this site. I can't wait to see what you do in the topical tournament
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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I dial in the wind and the silence is primal
A tribe full, i lock eyes on my rivals recite the bible, pull the trigger on his vitals My hearts at idol, The target is final this heavy hitter is harnessed nd rifled Im configured for this market, a heartless psycho When i depart for a mission its all about survival helllllllll of an opener Its the training of the nerves and rankings A posed frame when bullets are spraying Smile on my face when the guns are blazing Raining down hot lead on hot tar'd pavement Allahu Akbar's what we are engaging with I sit afar with my cross hairs waiting with our camouflage tarp trading lead Sand grazing the skin as i graciously grin Fucking loved this part, it sounded so dope when I spit it.. Been home six months and still feel frigidity War i know, Normal life is outside my peripheries Nice ending man... I thought this was one of your most well constructed verses. Its no lie when people say your are the most elevated on the site... kudos!!!!!
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Amgin
Groupie Joined: 31 January 2017 Status: Offline Points: 140 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-0 Form: LLL |
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Crazy opening verse! That was unreal start to finish. I like how you kept the theme/mood the whole way and not getting too off track.
The rhyme scheme in the first verse was tight. Literally made my head nod with the flow |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Woah, thanks for the feedback erryone. Much appreciated
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
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This was cool for what it was. Definitely made me want to hop on battlefield and start doing my duty on mothafuckers. A couple little things here or there that I will critique on in a second, but for the most part the flow was nice and I enjoyed the content. The best part was the way you opened off the verse. I think you set the tone well and put the reader in the mindset of the soldier.
"Raining down hot lead on hot tar'd pavement Allahu Akbar's what we are engaging with I sit afar with my cross hairs waiting with our camouflage tarp trading lead " This section created a hiccup in the readability for me because of the repetitiveness. It wasn't as smooth as the rest of the of drop.. hot/hot, with/with as end rhymes, lead/lead. And the spot where you placed the description of the tat, I thought could have been transitioned better. Aside from that, I think you did a great job on this piece. Definitely will be playing battlefield at least a little bit tonight now.
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