Open Mic: Not Alone, I Am Darkness |
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Dave Infinite
Banned Joined: 14 August 2018 Location: CA Status: Offline Points: 153 |
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Posted: 20 August 2018 at 3:03am |
Sitting Alone in the Darkest Wing I Remember the Screams and the Nightmares they Bring Still Hearing the Sickening Cries there Lullabies are Deafening the Chants of Despair are Constantly Echoing I See Nothing but the Darkness that Exists A Cold Dampness Wets my Lips Another Body I'm Beginning to Miss Numb Fingertips I can Longer Make a Clutched Fist the Silence Becomes the Soundtrack to my Sorrow What is Today? Not Knowing if There Will be A Tomorrow I'm Unable to Identify Objects Determined to Know if Optics Reflects Emotional Defects The Events Replay in my Mind They Seem so Complex Running Out of Time so I'm Piecing Together Projects This Isolation has been A Gift and A Curse So in this Environment the Feeling Of Being Immersed I Prayed for it to be Reversed Kneeled Onto the Cold Earth Using my Hands I began Digging into the Soft Dirt Creating Mounds That Surrounds My Being For a Few Seconds I Stopped Breathing In That Moment I Thought I was Dreaming But Half Way Through the Soil I Heard Screaming I Felt Frozen Maybe I was Chosen Not Forgotten I Paused and that's when I Heard Faint Knocking I Continued and as the Mix Began to Soften I Hit Wood and that's when She Spoke Through the Coffin Saying... the Silence Becomes the Soundtrack to our Sorrow What Is Today? Not Knowing if There Will be A Tomorrow |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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I get the idea, but no one gonna want to read something we can barely see
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Dave Infinite
Banned Joined: 14 August 2018 Location: CA Status: Offline Points: 153 |
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Well, It's Either your Phone, Computer or Eyes because on both of mine its perfectly readable.
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
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It's his background setting. There's different designs for this page.
I can see it fine. I'd read it fine but my phone is on 2% battery charge atm. Gonna put it on charge and get back to this. V |
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
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This is alright. I just feel this could have been more polished.
At times it was a bit jumpy. You went from one thing to the next and I don't feel it sets a great tone or pace. Started from the first line. Sitting alone in the darkest wing. It's never made clear why you're sitting alone in the darkest wing. If you took more time, you could have easily nailed that. Also, give the darkness some weight. It's the darkest wing, make me believe that. A metaphor a simile is justice enough. Another line: I see nothing but the darkness that exists. Give weight to that. Make me care that you see nothing but the darkness that exists. Make me feel and truly believe that by following this statement with a powerful emphasiser. Delve into how it feels, abstractly portray the negativity or eeriness of this. You could've said, Clouding the room with visions of emptiness. You said it exists, so giving it presence in the room supports that, and also, by getting across the visions of emptiness it creates, in the literal sense because there appears to be nothing to see, but moreso the visions of emptiness in the less physical sense that it blinds you with empty thoughts or something, however you or a reader interprets that, makes the reader think and feel because it's a type of phrase/sentence that has a envoking effect on a person. Or even a line like this, to support the fact the darkness exists: "Overtaking my attentions like an obsessed psycho", haven't rhymed that at all you get the point. This personifies the darkness to something any person can relate to, so it paints a broader picture for the reader. You have these types of high-potential lines everywhere but you don't build on them. In this case you followed the line with a cold dampness wets my lips. Descriptively, that's a great line, but it doesn't relate to the last line, and the last line doesn't relate to this line. Nailing all this will turn a decent piece like this to a born-classic masterpiece. I'm unable to identify objects Determined to know if optics reflect emotional defects This is what I'm talking about. Great couplet. The silence becomes the soundtrack to my sorrow. Fantastic line. But most of the piece feels like just a script of movements, going from frame to frame, an action sequence or instructions for how a scene should play out or what's happening. You need that, but you don't have enough in terms of painting the scene and creating that background to give it emotional depth. Not enough to make the reader care and give them something to take away once they've read the piece, even if that's just a raw image they make so they can emotionally relate to the piece. Don't just make closed statements, lines that aren't open for interpretation because they just say what's what. Don't omit them, just have supporting lines that use imagery to portray feeling or envoke it. More openly descriptive that goes hand-in-hand with the action. I won't babble on anymore because you have an extensive vocabulary, and I know you have it in you to do this because you know what I'm getting at. You just need to take time and be more thoughtful in your effort. More polishing and making sure you execute it and nail it. Keep it up, stay up and keep elevating. |
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
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Ignore the point where I say it's not clear why yada yada. That's something I just missed. I just think it would have been clearer to me if the descriptives were there to support everything. You did it in some places really well but other places you didn't incorporate it.
It's a great story, none of the lines you had were bad, so it's not a case of you having poor lines, it's just lines that weren't there that would make this a more complete piece. |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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I liked the quaint vibe this piece has,borders on endearing too,you had some nice
wording in parts that effortlessly blended in and added more depth in the process, they didn't even jolt the tempo on reading,the transitioning on the whole was good, And i read this off my phone,but i do get what others have said via the colour of the text,but what it actually boils down to is this,on first glance it may seem off putting, why?,because it doesn't allow the reader a choice,instead of being able to just scan over it (to judge whether it's worthy of their attention) ,it forces the reader to read From the outset,So for that alone iLL give you props,and although this piece came off simplistic via rhyme scheme,i do feel the content demanded that,simplicity was the key here in my opinion,enjoyable read...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
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