Open Mic: Not Alone, I Am Darkness

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Dave Infinite View Drop Down
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    Posted: 20 August 2018 at 3:03am

Sitting Alone in the Darkest Wing
I Remember the Screams and the Nightmares they Bring
Still Hearing the Sickening Cries there Lullabies are Deafening
the Chants of Despair are Constantly Echoing

I See Nothing but the Darkness that Exists
A Cold Dampness Wets my Lips 
Another Body I'm Beginning to Miss
Numb Fingertips I can Longer Make a Clutched Fist 

the Silence Becomes the Soundtrack to my Sorrow
What is Today? Not Knowing if There Will be A Tomorrow

I'm Unable to Identify Objects 
Determined to Know if Optics Reflects Emotional Defects 
The Events Replay in my Mind They Seem so Complex
Running Out of Time so I'm Piecing Together Projects

This Isolation has been A Gift and A Curse
So in this Environment the Feeling Of Being Immersed 
I Prayed for it to be Reversed Kneeled Onto the Cold Earth
Using my Hands I began Digging into the Soft Dirt

Creating Mounds That Surrounds My Being
For a Few Seconds I Stopped Breathing
In That Moment I Thought I was Dreaming
But Half Way Through the Soil I Heard Screaming

I Felt Frozen Maybe I was Chosen Not Forgotten
I Paused and that's when I Heard Faint Knocking 
I Continued and as the Mix Began to Soften
I Hit Wood and that's when She Spoke Through the Coffin 

Saying...

the Silence Becomes the Soundtrack to our Sorrow
What Is Today? Not Knowing if There Will be A Tomorrow













 
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Lord Puente View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 August 2018 at 4:12am
I get the idea, but no one gonna want to read something we can barely see
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Dave Infinite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 August 2018 at 4:41am
Well, It's Either your Phone, Computer or Eyes because on both of mine its perfectly readable. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 August 2018 at 5:55am
It's his background setting.   There's different designs for this page.

I can see it fine. I'd read it fine but my phone is on 2% battery charge atm. Gonna put it on charge and get back to this. V
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 August 2018 at 10:35am
This is alright. I just feel this could have been more polished.

At times it was a bit jumpy. You went from one thing to the next and I don't feel it sets a great tone or pace.

Started from the first line. Sitting alone in the darkest wing. It's never made clear why you're sitting alone in the darkest wing. If you took more time, you could have easily nailed that. Also, give the darkness some weight. It's the darkest wing, make me believe that. A metaphor a simile is justice enough.

Another line: I see nothing but the darkness that exists. Give weight to that. Make me care that you see nothing but the darkness that exists. Make me feel and truly believe that by following this statement with a powerful emphasiser. Delve into how it feels, abstractly portray the negativity or eeriness of this. You could've said, Clouding the room with visions of emptiness. You said it exists, so giving it presence in the room supports that, and also, by getting across the visions of emptiness it creates, in the literal sense because there appears to be nothing to see, but moreso the visions of emptiness in the less physical sense that it blinds you with empty thoughts or something, however you or a reader interprets that, makes the reader think and feel because it's a type of phrase/sentence that has a envoking effect on a person. Or even a line like this, to support the fact the darkness exists: "Overtaking my attentions like an obsessed psycho", haven't rhymed that at all you get the point. This personifies the darkness to something any person can relate to, so it paints a broader picture for the reader.

You have these types of high-potential lines everywhere but you don't build on them. In this case you followed the line with a cold dampness wets my lips. Descriptively, that's a great line, but it doesn't relate to the last line, and the last line doesn't relate to this line.

Nailing all this will turn a decent piece like this to a born-classic masterpiece.

I'm unable to identify objects
Determined to know if optics reflect emotional defects

This is what I'm talking about. Great couplet.

The silence becomes the soundtrack to my sorrow.

Fantastic line.

But most of the piece feels like just a script of movements, going from frame to frame, an action sequence or instructions for how a scene should play out or what's happening. You need that, but you don't have enough in terms of painting the scene and creating that background to give it emotional depth. Not enough to make the reader care and give them something to take away once they've read the piece, even if that's just a raw image they make so they can emotionally relate to the piece. Don't just make closed statements, lines that aren't open for interpretation because they just say what's what. Don't omit them, just have supporting lines that use imagery to portray feeling or envoke it.    More openly descriptive that goes hand-in-hand with the action. I won't babble on anymore because you have an extensive vocabulary, and I know you have it in you to do this because you know what I'm getting at. You just need to take time and be more thoughtful in your effort. More polishing and making sure you execute it and nail it.

Keep it up, stay up and keep elevating.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Rap Daemon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 August 2018 at 11:12am
Ignore the point where I say it's not clear why yada yada. That's something I just missed. I just think it would have been clearer to me if the descriptives were there to support everything. You did it in some places really well but other places you didn't incorporate it.

It's a great story, none of the lines you had were bad, so it's not a case of you having poor lines, it's just lines that weren't there that would make this a more complete piece.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 August 2018 at 2:57pm
I liked the quaint vibe this piece has,borders on endearing too,you had some nice
wording in parts that effortlessly blended in and added more depth in the process,
they didn't even jolt the tempo on reading,the transitioning on the whole was good,
And i read this off my phone,but i do get what others have said via the colour of the
text,but what it actually boils down to is this,on first glance it may seem off putting,
why?,because it doesn't allow the reader a choice,instead of being able to just scan
over it (to judge whether it's worthy of their attention) ,it forces the reader to read
From the outset,So for that alone iLL give you props,and although this piece came
off simplistic via rhyme scheme,i do feel the content demanded that,simplicity was
the key here in my opinion,enjoyable read...peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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