Open Mic: Cambridge [KOTM] |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Posted: 15 October 2016 at 5:19pm |
Amidst the taxes and two cents from vagabonds on their stoop steps
The morning dawn courses on; welcome to Cambridge, Massachusetts The fuckin traffic, a nuisance. Pitter patter of news clip: today, our fall tradition, folks, it's our annual Stew Fest! Enjoy A canteen of brew, fresh from the Colombian woods. Breath, exposed; autumn marks its arrival The shard of summer dreams fractured, sharp edge afflicting high notes Sanguine scenery. The saps of morning sighs define hope. After the arrid intrigues of yesterday, i’ve witness a fine growth. Whether the mind of Rembrandt or the trance that defines Poe Every perspective is genius; that timely delicate slight stroke New England scented cider. Pumpkin patches posing like light shows October. Canobie Lake and Spooky World had the night lit in candles I walk the cobblestone of Harvard Square. Where logics roam. Sauntering slow, I embrace the breeze of the Boston ocean Salted sinews recalling summer solstice sin. Booze and bolstering beautes’ Trade facade for fall cottons and boisterous boots Winter quickly approaching but Cambridge stays winking; her voice, it soothes From fall to fall, it's evergreen features shall ensue. Edited by Sammy - 15 October 2016 at 5:26pm |
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Great to see you participating.
This had a beautiful tone to it. I guess the picture's also contributing to that. I think you displayed an interesting and authentic "picture" of your area. I really enjoyed the "little" details, like Canobie Lake and the "cobblestone of Harvard Square" you provided here. Also probably because I've been there myself, and it kind of brought me back to that experience. I think the ending was the highlight - a really nice personification, concluding in a very harmonised tone (at least that's how I perceived it). I wish this would be a bit longer, though, but that's just preference. I thought the personal references you employed, like the "I witness a fine growth" contributed to that beautiful tone I mentioned in the beginning. A good read overall.
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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you've been to Cambridge before? cool! Go Pats!!
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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This was some well expressed poetry here,the vocab was tasty
as to the contents,with some nice references to ppl and places,i found this piece to be a summery verse,with cider and the shard of summer giving it a breezy overtone vibe,I also liked the small things here like detail,that along with vocab made this piece lift up and out,aswell as reppin your city you gave the reader a visual aid via the details provided,the only real criticism I have is this, 1,it had the making to be longer.. 2,i feel robbed for it not being longer.. lol.. thanks for the read,I believe you did well here,and I'll be looking out for your alias from here on..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Real nice man, super slick rhyme scheme peppered with a whole bunch of references. Really solid effort. In some respects it's hard to get excited about a "repping" topic (at least for me personally) but you did a great job and made it very readable. Nice work and surely will be tough to top.
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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ha thanks for the read, guys! Just skimmed ur verse Cuba and damn you! I was aiming for KOTM this month! I got u on the feed tomorrow, boss.
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CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Descriptive writing is an art form, and you nailed it.
You choose vivid details and colorful words to bring Cambrigde to life. The alliteration towards the end was dope as hell. Cuba's flow is more fluid than yours, some parts of your verse were a bit wordy, but I still think you'll take it this month. |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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this si the only kotm left I think I got to feed, don't have time now, but ill try to get to this one tonight. haven't read this on yet so need more time to devote here. my b for the lateness.
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