Open Mic: Old Man

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Geeza View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 24 February 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 158

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-3-0
Form: LLWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Geeza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Old Man
    Posted: 08 June 2020 at 10:54pm
1st thing I've written in around 5 years. Kept it pretty damn basic.
Any feedback would be much appreciated 👊

https://youtu.be/E3O9iIxwhWA
(Beat)

I remember when,
You used to walk me to school,
Endless conversations,
Yeah we'd talk about it all,
Nothing was off limits,
You'd answer all my questions,
Learned more in the journey,
Than I ever did in lessons,
And you were always there,
Never failed to collect me,
And after mum had left,
People thought you would neglect me,
Cus times were really hard,
But you always tried harder,
So Dad I'm just saying,
That I'm glad you are my father.

I know in the past,
I've done things that i regret,
I wish to take it back,
Cus it makes me upset,
I never gave you that,
credit you deserve,
I made your life hell,
And that really hits a nerve,
And even now I know,
That I still let you down,
I don't come and visit,
Even though I live in town,
Theres no excuse for that,
And It's simply not fair,
I always told myself,
that I would be there

When I got your note,
Telling me about the cancer,
I was climbing up the walls,
And praying for the answer,
These are simple words,
To describe how much it hurts,
And when I come and visit you,
Yeah It only gets worse,
I used to shed a tear,
Even before the disease,
When I thought about the day,
That eventually you'd leave,
To the other side,
Up to heaven you'd ascend,
I ain't ashamed to tell you,
My dads my best friend
Back to Top
alicewonder View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member


Joined: 09 May 2015
Location: uk
Status: Offline
Points: 653
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-1-2
Form: WWLNN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 June 2020 at 12:31am
Originally posted by Geeza Geeza wrote:


These are simple words,
To describe how much it hurts,


Best way to sum this up, really.

This obviously felt very geniune and was yet precise without drifting away from that authenticity. And that really elevated the read for me. I feel with these kind of verses, it’s easy to overshare but you kept the balance well even with the sentimental but light hearted tone throughout. And as it is with these kind of verses, technical aspects are only a subtle detail as I feel. Thank you for sharing.
Back to Top
CHAIN View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 14 November 2006
Status: Offline
Points: 2758

Reigning Open Mic King

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 8-4-0
Form: LWWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CHAIN Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 June 2020 at 11:38am
No, this ain't it.
It reads like high school poetry.
You didn't use a single literary device to convey your message.

You gotta step it up.

Shout out to your dad though. +
+Sick-Witted+
Back to Top
Absolute Abomination View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 15 May 2015
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 530

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 3-3-0
Form: LLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 June 2020 at 6:24am
firstly -- sorry that youre (+your dad+family) going through this, hoping for the best for yall.

feel like i know exactly how its meant to sound over that beat.

it is very basic as already said, even though sometimes emotional pieces like this work when theyre raw and unedited. i think its a fine poem but isnt strong enough to be a standout track. needs more complexity, or some uniqueness to it. it's not 'generic' per se, but its missing something that for us as an audience can see that its a Geeza drop...yknow?
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 3133
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 6-11-0
Form: LLLWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 June 2020 at 10:38am
Well the feed that's given already pretty much sums up my feelings on
this piece, it was simple flat and basic, but it had a pulse, it had content
that expressed emotion which i feel was the highlight here along with the
authenticity factor, yeah i liked it...peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
Back to Top
spume corrupt View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 April 2011
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 3096
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 20-7-1
Form: WLWLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 June 2020 at 10:58pm
Not feeling the feedback you’ve received Gez,

Quoting Public Enemy when I say “simple rhymes be good for your health”
I thought you done well enough without using any advanced literary devices to portray what you wanted to say
You didn’t need to be a flamboyant expert to get your message across
I dig what you had to say
Keep at writing and develop my man
Stay up

Back to Top
Geeza View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 24 February 2015
Status: Offline
Points: 158

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 2-3-0
Form: LLWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Geeza Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 June 2020 at 9:52pm
Thank you to all, I really appreciate it.

I'm writing this for my dad as a Father's Day gift, so I didn't feel the need to try and get complex at all, as its more important to me that he understands exactly what I'm saying. But I completely understand where your all coming from about it perhaps being to simple.

Thanks again 👌
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down