Open Mic: On the Lookout

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Essence1 View Drop Down

Joined: 27 December 2018
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 48
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    Posted: 14 April 2019 at 3:14am
Something I wrote, the ontario gov't is kind of fucked and a lot of cuts are being made that affects my livelihood so when I wrote the first verse I was pretty pissed off. This was written to an instrumental but I'm not sure about recording it, any feedback would be fantastic especially since one of my weaknesses is writing hooks.

Verse 1:
Of course I'm angry and crushed
In between all the government cuts
Yo I'm thinking what the fuck
It takes money to make money
And I've invested all I could
Yet, I'm still losing more than I gain
Ain't it funny?
I call myself the jack of all trades
Cause I hopped more jobs than I could outline on my resume
So, you can call it indecision
I still live another day
I can't say I've misplaced all the love in my heart
But each day I grow stronger in hate
Now that's dark
Maybe it's the apathy, and the fact I don't vote
But to say your ass stands for me, is a mother fucking joke
I don't trust you, I don't trust them
It's only wise
To study everything, is what a lone samurai once said
So I observe in silence
And only use words when I want to cut deep
Tongue is like katanas when I fight the right beat, man regardless

Verse 2:
Of course I'm feeling strained, and I'm pushin my luck
I still live another day, not giving a fuck
Maybe a lack of purpose, is the curse that I've adopted
God knows that bridge takes strength to get across it
But, I'm all fire and I blaze through
Create my own path, it's what I'm made to do
So, what the fuck do I say to you
I appreciate the advice
But my brain is fight or flight
Yet, I never back down
It's only right
Cause I've seen many people
Compromise what they believe in
In lieu of their freedom
They chose to be deceived then
Get mad about secrets, that never was
Now, that ain't decent
But in a weakened state
It's easier to blame
Yo, I get it
But I'm losing my faith
I was told
that it's s lonely road
When you're honing your way
You keep your enemies close
As for friends,
They're bound to double cross you
So on this road
What you're left with is an evolved you
So stay blessed
And nonetheless
Make peace with everyone that has wronged you
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Dntplywelwitothers View Drop Down

Joined: 30 November 2013
Status: Offline
Points: 155
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Dntplywelwitothers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 April 2019 at 5:32pm
I can see the difference in writing from your first verse to the second. Lol... first one was like "grrrrrrrr" second one was more like searching for a resolution. Flow is nice, this kinda comes off like spoken word... I can definitely pick up on the emotion, only thing I would say is some of the wording could've been pushed, for more of an impact... i know this is a "cut off the head of the snake" approach... but a few more adjectives would layer this. Also I can't tell you how to express, but sentences like "I still live another day" being said more than once...and it's not part of a concept or the intention of a rhyme scheme...seems to become repetitive without moving your objective forward...All in all I like this drop, tweaking some vocabulary would highlight your tenacity about the subject... but I also understand... sometymes you just gotta get that shit down, and you did well with driving your point. Closing line holds weight. But you had some really nice lines throughout.

"I call myself the Jack of all trades....." the whole follow up
"I'm all fire and I blaze through"

Enjoyable read, and hook or not you should record it a cappella... I think it would be dope! Keep penning
"My name has the most shout outs in the history of rap...."
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