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Essence1
Groupie Joined: 27 December 2018 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 57 |
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Posted: 14 April 2019 at 3:14am |
Something I wrote, the ontario gov't is kind of fucked and a lot of cuts are being made that affects my livelihood so when I wrote the first verse I was pretty pissed off. This was written to an instrumental but I'm not sure about recording it, any feedback would be fantastic especially since one of my weaknesses is writing hooks.
Verse 1: Of course I'm angry and crushed In between all the government cuts Yo I'm thinking what the fuck It takes money to make money And I've invested all I could Yet, I'm still losing more than I gain Ain't it funny? I call myself the jack of all trades Cause I hopped more jobs than I could outline on my resume So, you can call it indecision I still live another day I can't say I've misplaced all the love in my heart But each day I grow stronger in hate Now that's dark Maybe it's the apathy, and the fact I don't vote But to say your ass stands for me, is a mother fucking joke I don't trust you, I don't trust them It's only wise To study everything, is what a lone samurai once said So I observe in silence And only use words when I want to cut deep Tongue is like katanas when I fight the right beat, man regardless Verse 2: Of course I'm feeling strained, and I'm pushin my luck I still live another day, not giving a fuck Maybe a lack of purpose, is the curse that I've adopted God knows that bridge takes strength to get across it But, I'm all fire and I blaze through Create my own path, it's what I'm made to do So, what the fuck do I say to you I appreciate the advice But my brain is fight or flight Yet, I never back down It's only right Cause I've seen many people Compromise what they believe in In lieu of their freedom They chose to be deceived then Get mad about secrets, that never was Now, that ain't decent But in a weakened state It's easier to blame Yo, I get it But I'm losing my faith I was told that it's s lonely road When you're honing your way You keep your enemies close As for friends, They're bound to double cross you So on this road What you're left with is an evolved you So stay blessed And nonetheless Make peace with everyone that has wronged you |
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Dntplywelwitothers
Groupie Joined: 30 November 2013 Status: Offline Points: 172 |
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I can see the difference in writing from your first verse to the second. Lol... first one was like "grrrrrrrr" second one was more like searching for a resolution. Flow is nice, this kinda comes off like spoken word... I can definitely pick up on the emotion, only thing I would say is some of the wording could've been pushed, for more of an impact... i know this is a "cut off the head of the snake" approach... but a few more adjectives would layer this. Also I can't tell you how to express, but sentences like "I still live another day" being said more than once...and it's not part of a concept or the intention of a rhyme scheme...seems to become repetitive without moving your objective forward...All in all I like this drop, tweaking some vocabulary would highlight your tenacity about the subject... but I also understand... sometymes you just gotta get that shit down, and you did well with driving your point. Closing line holds weight. But you had some really nice lines throughout.
"I call myself the Jack of all trades....." the whole follow up "I'm all fire and I blaze through" Enjoyable read, and hook or not you should record it a cappella... I think it would be dope! Keep penning |
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