summer love
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Emcee Lounge
Forum Name: Open Mic
Forum Description: This isnt a Battle Board, this is for your Freestyle Verses to be Rated by other members.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=28103
Printed Date: 20 April 2024 at 6:09am
Topic: summer love
Posted By: fuckoff
Subject: summer love
Date Posted: 10 November 2013 at 1:08pm
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I was beaming, an looking like young loves summer dream the sun always shone on her.. man she was sweet the streaks of red in her hair lit up like her fiery side I was getting lost in her smiling eyes, while we drive couldn't help stare, an grin, as hers met mine speeding, singing 'long to tracks from way back in ninety five she had her feet sitting on the dash, an hands on her tanned thighs dressed in a tank top that can only be described as, dam tight. the sun setting gently, it fades into the dimmed light of night says she'd told her mum nine - says she's a little tight for time, well off the beaten track now, and she was like 'were we goin'.. i replied 'i'm not tellin... its called a surprise' 'alright?..', she said with a little bite.. an then she piped 'but what are we doing tonight'.. 'gettin fucked babe'.. *twice*.. I thought.. while gently pullin into a empty lay-by 'hello?!', 'emergency services, police, fire or ambulance?' 'police! please! my daughters missing, an im unsure of this man - her friends havent seen her.. her phones broke or off this is so unlike her, an we argued before she went sulking off 'and how olds your daughter, miss?.. twenty? what? im sorry.. but ring back in 48 hours.. till then its best not to worry..' *I really... really... wanted to fuck her..* her touch is electric, mate, I wonder how she fucks.. I bet her little erect nips taste as good as her wee muff always acts likes shes such a good girl, but maybe shed be naughty maybe if I showed her my dark side, she'd do the same.. for me.. I think she plays with me, teases me.. likes to wind me up always walkin to work in a short skirt that scream 'im a slut - tie me up'.. id sat behind her at school, close enough to smell her she wears chanel, jus like my mother did, with hints of vanilla i showed her kindness, showerin compliments, till she was like 'No, stop it' but.. id been friendzoned so hard... we'd even go clothes shoppin.. *..bitch..* stood at the door knockin, six cops and a swat team 'GET THE RAM READY.. HIT THE LOCK.. HE'S NOT IN'.. the slams steady an with a 'click' its popped off its hinges the search beginnin already siftin thru paperstacks and tossed syringes rippin every draw out. ignoring the stench of rot from the kitchens many half empty pots cause that girl - she been missin days, then without a flicker of hesitation or any doubt came a heavy shout.. 'SARGE... COME HERE...' he pauses, not cause hes breathin - he's jus tryna take it all in.. 'I.. I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE THIS..' 'what is this place.. whats goin on, its kind of creepy'.. 'Ive told you, its a secret.. C'mon... come inside.. youll see'.. walls all dark n dirtied, like theyd risen straight from earth fallen windows left jus iron bars, on this prison made from dirt vacated since the eighties, an asylum, where the different went to 'learn' it was lit up by a sick fuck a touch violent, an it still glistened where it'd burnt, charred roof n ash, scattered the path like its past occupants minds knarled roots had wrapped the overgrown gates now lost in the grime the wooden porch was black like tar, this lonely place rotten wa slime most slats now snapped apart, but the door still padlocked with a sign 'KEEP OUT' and 'DANGER'.. the rusty warnings ignored its frame like paper, took one kick till the door was on the floor its was a door like any other, showed nothing apparent.. but inside was the thoughts an soul of a man gone manic.. the cupboard a sick shrine to his love her pictures hung from string, tied from above next to candles and keepsakes her lost gloves an other mementos.. this wretched man who'd reached hate from a rotten love gone bad or mental had full pads of scribbled poems an odes layin next to homemade dolls an a naked barbie shoes thatd fit a two year old tot.. but what really made the alarms ring the bloodied kids knickers stuffed into a locked box and topped with glitter stickers... 'Sarge, this pictures different, it might be suttin its old, worn, n was clipped to this paper cuttin, this womans, shes beautiful.. she looks jus like her.. says she worked at the old institution, untill..' ..he tightens up.. 'she was raped.. real brutal.. i think.. this is his mother' ..then.. as he read on the tale of this monster dawned upon this simple copper.. 'after labour, she went to jail.. for trying to smother him..' we wandered through the neglected ruins, expecting ghouls felt an ambiance that would test tombs, an the guts of lesser fools a menacingly depressive moon filtered through the wreckage roof, through the beams left to stew an lit up the dusty decrepit rooms that once slept the loons, screams still echo'd with every gentle step taken floorboards shake with the weight of a thousand mental patients she turned to me, trying to muster the strength to say something her lips quivered an her chin wobbled, an then 'I'm late..' again.. taking her hands tightly, I squeeze just enough to hurt shes squirms, confused at her situation, 'your not.. scared are you? dont be a little girl.'.. I smirked.. i was gone. the world dissipated, his wet breath felt suffocating so close i could taste it.. with every fibre i should fuckin hate him but past emotion, i just laid still, expressionless.. nothing. vacant resorting to displacement, i wondered if I'd wake up. torrential black rain, the tears mixing with my make up his claw like nails slithered and dug into my neck, the other hand gripped my wrist and positioned above my head. could feel his elbows shake, his weight twice mine an bearing down grunt an rasp, his saliva frothing at the side of his mouth how long could this fuckin last? my toes clenched in self pity his trousers were barely down, and he was in me my whimpers felt silly, trying to tighten up, it was useless, dry as fuck, but he pushed through it, excited by his abusiveness.. her body lay naked clothes torn from her they were too late.. 'SHIT.. phone the coroner' pools of red trickled to flood her eyes still open.. in wonder.. and written in blood the words 'I HATE YOU MOTHER' -------------  |
Replies:
Posted By: Cuba
Date Posted: 10 November 2013 at 2:42pm
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Epic verse writing mfer...will read this later!! ------------- 
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Posted By: FuckButter
Date Posted: 10 November 2013 at 10:52pm
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I fucks with this shit right here, haunting as a motherfucker. The only advice I would give is that I didn't really get an indication of the girl's age, which I think really affects the story. Sometimes I get the impression she is a child, other times that she's an adult. I don't know if this on purpose or what. ------------- 
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Posted By: fuckoff
Date Posted: 11 November 2013 at 11:57am
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it says in the call to police shes twenty. ------------- |
Posted By: Titu
Date Posted: 11 November 2013 at 2:50pm
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Holly fuck ... Where the fuck youve been fucked off??? I guess its the first OM ive seen from you... Tbh my man, it was dope. You nailed this extensive story perfectly and ( im amazed ), you didnt even let my interest stumble for a second. Some heavy emotions converted this drop into a 3D film or sonething....Really impressive man... I got nothing more to say, i got only three words "dope as fuck"... Ill chase yo drops from now on.. Stay active man... And yeh, stay blessed!! ------------- Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head. |
Posted By: J504
Date Posted: 11 November 2013 at 6:32pm
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Long read but worth it. I really enjoyed how poetic the first part was before plunging into the darker theme. I also enjoyed the last 2 sets which mixed the poetic and the dark side together. This was really nice right here, fam. Well worth the read. |
Posted By: Cuba
Date Posted: 12 November 2013 at 9:09pm
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In my eyes this is a classic...the way you mixed up your rhyme scheme, segmented the story, built the tension even though relatively early in you know what's going to happen you still spin out the narrative. Really I've not seen a verse on this site where someone effectively gives you the punchline in the 2nd verse yet still manages to progress the narrative and wanting to read on to find out the details. It was textured too...you get a feel for the different characters in it as well. Kept it in a uniform style that means it reads as 'one drop' but you still get the various voices of the characters. So yeah, this is sick. 5 star drop. -------------
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Posted By: Nigma
Date Posted: 13 November 2013 at 1:28am
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Yo got half way through this awhile ago then couldn't find it when I went to finish it, loved it man, well structured, concise, emotional writing. Bump for now will finish reading this and give you some feed bro -------------  |
Posted By: JBrenn
Date Posted: 13 November 2013 at 3:10am
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You went in FO!!!! Nice flow through out and great wording through out!!! Props!! -------------  |
Posted By: Nigma
Date Posted: 13 November 2013 at 4:08am
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What impressed me most was the intelligence behind this verses layout. The changes between the perspectives were planned out very well to deliver several different story lines at once. The progression of the story, character development, and genuinely interested plot backed up by some fairly advanced rhyming made this epicly long drop readable, a rarity for something of this size. Wonderful read ------------- |
Posted By: fuckoff
Date Posted: 14 November 2013 at 12:17am
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much appreciated all. i know this a chapter and a half so props on taking the time to read it ------------- |
Posted By: spume corrupt
Date Posted: 14 November 2013 at 9:22pm
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Just about got thru this one.............Wow that was a big ole shit man Some of this was really nice fuck; and at times I was being carried by this drop waiting on the next turn of events or sudden scene change, you progressed through the story well This one kinda springs off the page like a movie.........Nearly lost me on a couple weaker scenes but mostly I was gripped Well done -------------  |
Posted By: TURTLE
Date Posted: 14 November 2013 at 10:48pm
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Damnnnn.. I really enjoyed the beginning of this piece. Imagery was excellent all the way through but its like I could see a girl with her feet on the dash, biting her lip with excitement sitting there in the passenger seat. Like some movie type of shit Very cinematic!! Worth every bit of 10 minutes to read this!!! -------------  <ce
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Posted By: Brotha Goose
Date Posted: 15 November 2013 at 2:08am
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Damn FO.....drop an audio of this, shit is fire bruh! I like yur quick fire style. My fav part..... stood at the door knockin, six cops and a swat team 'GET THE RAM READY.. HIT THE LOCK.. HE'S NOT IN'.. the slams steady an with a 'click' its popped off its hinges the search beginnin already siftin thru paperstacks and tossed syringes rippin every draw out. ignoring the stench of rot from the kitchens many half empty pots cause that girl - she been missin days, then without a flicker of hesitation or any doubt came a heavy shout.. 'SARGE... COME HERE...' he pauses, not cause hes breathin - he's jus tryna take it all in.. 'I.. I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE THIS..' You were on it right there fam! Illness ------------- 
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Posted By: CHAIN
Date Posted: 17 November 2013 at 8:34pm
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This is a work of art. A truly exceptional piece of writing. shit was like a box of chocolates. And that's all I have to say about that. ------------- |
Posted By: fuckoff
Date Posted: 19 November 2013 at 11:47pm
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ty chain much appreciated coming from you. last bump and il let this fall into the oblivion ------------- |
Posted By: -Orion-
Date Posted: 20 November 2013 at 12:09am
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The story is amongst the best we've had...in terms of delivering it, I'm not saying it was poor but I think you almost maybe didn't give it as much time as you could have to make it flow all the way...what kept me reading was the story, not the rhyme scheme, or the flow... In that sense, I think if you re-wrote or re-structured this as a poem it could be really, really good...like, publishable...this is still nice though ------------- They just said that FUCKIN' with me They didn't mean it Nah . . . |
Posted By: fuckoff
Date Posted: 06 January 2014 at 12:03am
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imma bump this cuz its like the least fed verse in classics lol ------------- |
Posted By: Smoothtung
Date Posted: 06 January 2014 at 4:03am
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wow bro... when I left you weren't doing shit like this. This kept getting better and better until at the end I was saying to myself 'this is fucking fantastic'.. deeply sickening but astonishingly clever to match.. bravo ------------- Though you never even had the chance to witness it |
Posted By: fuckoff
Date Posted: 06 January 2014 at 2:40pm
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thankss duuuu ------------- |
Posted By: Exoduzt
Date Posted: 14 January 2014 at 9:58pm
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This was probably one of the best verse's I've seen from you TBH "an looking like young loves summer dream the sun always shone on her.. man she was sweet the streaks of red in her hair lit up like her fiery side I was getting lost in her smiling eyes, while we drive couldn't help stare, an grin, as hers met mine speeding, singing 'long to tracks from way back in ninety five"--- great opener...I love how you always come so descriptive with words it really sets the tone for the story...that last line with the long tracks from 95'...i know what that is good shit.. "the sun setting gently, it fades into the dimmed light of night says she'd told her mum nine - says she's a little tight for time, well off the beaten track now, and she was like 'were we goin'.. i replied 'i'm not tellin... its called a surprise' 'alright?..', she said with a little bite.. an then she piped 'but what are we doing tonight'.. 'gettin fucked babe'.. *twice*.. "----the descriptiveness of your words paints the picture and story perfectly..you got a real knack for that....lol @ twice hello?!', 'emergency services, police, fire or ambulance?' 'police! please! my daughters missing, an im unsure of this man - her friends havent seen her.. her phones broke or off this is so unlike her, an we argued before she went sulking off 'and how olds your daughter, miss?.. twenty? what? im sorry.. but ring back in 48 hours.. till then its best not to worry..'---this was cool in telling the story but where we ae from threw off the flow in the first bar and the last..the middle was fire..and even the flow was different for me you were stilll able to paint a nice picture of the story... I think she plays with me, teases me.. likes to wind me up always walkin to work in a short skirt that scream 'im a slut ----haha loved this line...im feeling the story FO alot showed her kindness, showerin compliments, till she was like 'No, stop it' but.. id been friendzoned so hard... we'd even go clothes shoppin.. ---haha the friendzone DUH DUH DUH " stood at the door knockin, six cops and a swat team 'GET THE RAM READY.. HIT THE LOCK.. HE'S NOT IN'.. the slams steady an with a 'click' its popped off its hinges the search beginnin already siftin thru paperstacks and tossed syringes rippin every draw out. ignoring the stench of rot from the kitchens many half empty pots cause that girl - she been missin days, then without a flicker of hesitation or any doubt came a heavy shout.. 'SARGE... COME HERE...' he pauses, not cause hes breathin - he's jus tryna take it all in.. 'I.. I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE THIS..'"---the scheme on this was different but i liked it a lot...the flow was on point for the most part...i love your story telling abilities...its a shame we havent done a topical collab yet....but yeahi cant wait to see what happens.. walls all dark n dirtied, like theyd risen straight from earth fallen windows left jus iron bars, on this prison made from dirt vacated since the eighties, an asylum, where the different went to 'learn' it was lit up by a sick fuck a touch violent, an it still glistened where it'd burnt, charred roof n ash, scattered the path like its past occupants minds knarled roots had wrapped the overgrown gates now lost in the grime the wooden porch was black like tar, this lonely place rotten wa slime most slats now snapped apart, but the door still padlocked with a sign"---now that rite there is some serious story telling writing...the flow was very visible and you matched it with descriptive story telling of the setting...cheers for this the cupboard a sick shrine to his love her pictures hung from string, tied from above next to candles and keepsakes her lost gloves an other mementos.. this wretched man who'd reached hate from a rotten love gone bad or mental---this was dope...seriously that was some top notch talent writing 'she was raped.. real brutal.. i think.. this is his mother' .---whatt?? " we wandered through the neglected ruins, expecting ghouls felt an ambiance that would test tombs, an the guts of lesser fools a menacingly depressive moon filtered through the wreckage roof, through the beams left to stew an lit up the dusty decrepit rooms"---best part of your drop so far...this was maybe some of the nicer writing i have seen on LA in a ling time...my apologies for missing this drop..damn tha was something " could feel his elbows shake, his weight twice mine an bearing down grunt an rasp, his saliva frothing at the side of his mouth how long could this fuckin last? my toes clenched in self pity his trousers were barely down, and he was in me my whimpers felt silly, trying to tighten up, it was useless, dry as fuck, but he pushed through it, excited by his abusiveness.."---whoa whoa..is all i have to say....congrats on one of the best storiy topicals i have read on LA serious this was dope as fuck FO...be proud of this piece -------------  |
Posted By: Arthur
Date Posted: 09 February 2014 at 3:39am
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this is fucking sick. the storytelling in this piece is second to none.
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Posted By: AshleyKaos
Date Posted: 09 February 2014 at 5:34am
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Super ill i agree where the fuck you been at ? Lol z.. Im honored to have bern the one to inspire this from my other verse that was ok. But not much compared to this just hapy to have a part in this ------------- NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME |
Posted By: fuckoff
Date Posted: 09 February 2014 at 9:37am
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this is a old piece ashhh. tyyyyy tho ------------- |
Posted By: Kilo G
Date Posted: 03 April 2014 at 5:00pm
| mayne, this was soo long but was worth reading, its incredibly amazing, i read it like 4 times lol |
Posted By: Trizzy Tre
Date Posted: 03 April 2014 at 5:10pm
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Kilo did FO give you a few bucks to bump this piece from 2013? lol
Dope shit FO -------------  |
Posted By: Shankley
Date Posted: 09 May 2014 at 1:16am
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Dope verze FO bruh. Amazing story with sick imagery. A deserved "Classic Verse" props. ------------- |
Posted By: Dark Eye
Date Posted: 14 January 2015 at 4:44pm
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Dope Verse ------------- #Respect #Dark Eye |