Am I Gifted?.
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Emcee Lounge
Forum Name: Open Mic
Forum Description: This isnt a Battle Board, this is for your Freestyle Verses to be Rated by other members.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=45428
Printed Date: 19 April 2024 at 8:58am
Topic: Am I Gifted?.
Posted By: Crimson Juice
Subject: Am I Gifted?.
Date Posted: 08 October 2017 at 10:27pm
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Marred genetics render me with unpleasing aesthetics, Resembling a dino from the jurassic or a Joseph Merrick, & Society's view is pathetic hence my use of cosmetics, Isolated & alone for the sake of 2 extra chromosomes, The doctors comb through my genome at this unknown, Extract samples from bones with hopes to create or clone, & all ignorant ppl have it in for me because of my infamy Born with telepathy which at times gets the best of me, But I'm tortured via empathy as I can read their memories, See ppls thought transference cause them a disturbance, A mental occurrence that for me is more like a resurgence, If I could,I'd cleanse with detergents or bring a convergence, Cuz ppl use me as an escape sayin my probes feel like Rape, Your mind I don't penetrate like a swimmer diving into a lake, I view waves and wakes like a machine that detects quakes, From birth i was displaced via a wealthy family saving face, Cut all ties & left without a trace from fear of being disgraced, A lost child like a baby in a maze tossed aside just like waste, Now i'm used by authorities to extract from ppl info and facts, They react logical thoughts lack but I've already made contact, I must resemble an almanac the way i cause ppl to back track, With my all prying eye i can view their corrupt thoughts & lies, I spy their crimes as clears as stars in the blackest of skies, Running with their mind like banzai deceit grows like a bonsai, Whilst acting all uncouth your minds contained i'm the booth, Now sweating & being aloof hut you can't hide i know the truth, I'll expose the contents like a high wind to a ripped off roof, Resemblin an monster more on the outer but i'm nice at the core, I don't do this because i'm poor i do it for justice to settle a score, ------------- "You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance". |
Replies:
Posted By: spume corrupt
Date Posted: 24 October 2017 at 12:10am
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Wow How the fuck did this get missed Brother Crim this was a solid and enjoyable read I won't lie though I wish you had gone the extra mile and attempted to encapsulate a more tangible storyline, cos that would have given this work that X factor The concept the rhyming and the wording/delivery was all a big step up for you in my opinion Just need to work on rounding a piece off now....That little extra thing that's gonna make the reader go....God Damn! Keep up my main, you are def finding your way forward Respect -------------  |
Posted By: Absolute Abomination
Date Posted: 25 October 2017 at 10:12am
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This was dope. Nearly perfect flow, just a few lines and filler words: Cuz ppl use me as an escape sayin my probes feel like Rape, Your mind I don't penetrate like a swimmer diving into a lake, 9 syllables between penetrate and lake which is the most I can count between rhyming sounds, and given the rest of the verse had much shorter gaps in the schemes it feels out of place. and I think if you took "a" out of: and deceit grows like a bonsai it would have been just that little bit better. But off the flow, the content was dope. Joseph Merrick is a name I hadn't heard in a long time, cool to see him pop up again. Some nice usage of imagery (the baby being tossed like waste, stars in the skies) too. Very impressed with this CJ, good stuff. ------------- Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin. |
Posted By: Bazooka bastard
Date Posted: 29 October 2017 at 10:02am
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If you got 2 extra chromosomes is that downs? If so you need to get out there battling mate, bring something new to the table. You seem like a reasonably good writer so just crack on skin. Fight the powah! |
Posted By: Crimson Juice
Date Posted: 29 October 2017 at 3:01pm
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Thank you all for taking the time with the feedback here guys,i shall return the favour for sure,but I guess you already know that.. @B/Bastard yeah i'm aiming to get battling as it happens,and one extra chromosome is downs,2 is unknown,hence the gift and hideous form,and like SC/AA, thanks for your time also it's appreciated dude..peace. ------------- "You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance". |
Posted By: D-NoS
Date Posted: 05 November 2017 at 9:14am
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Hella Verse! Text skills to the max. You painted a clear picture and your flow was dope to me. Thanks for sharing this and keep at it! ------------- https://dnos.bandcamp.com https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |