The Love Of Lyrical Art
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Emcee Lounge
Forum Name: Open Mic
Forum Description: This isnt a Battle Board, this is for your Freestyle Verses to be Rated by other members.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=45436
Printed Date: 19 April 2024 at 9:40pm
Topic: The Love Of Lyrical Art
Posted By: Who-Is-You?
Subject: The Love Of Lyrical Art
Date Posted: 11 October 2017 at 2:00am
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I won't lie, I want to make you cry, but I don't mean to hurt you. I just want inside your mind, til these words reach your virtue. waiting outside your conscience, tappin your intuition "I know you heard my words, I know you read them, but did you listen?" Can I, be your gravitation, help you exceed your imagination til you can fully understand a poets words, and read'm with admiration I just want this art to affect you, and inject you, how it infected me Feel it's point of it's love and it's pain. til your affections bleed wanna tell you stories you already know, but from a different perspective Wanna re-open your emotions. Get'm coastin, til your feeling is restless. want you to feel these chills, like when one's sick with a fever Smile, laugh, cry, dry your eye, then promote this as your leisure Although some voices, their vocals tower, words alone can be so much louder. So when words are formed into art, I just hope you know their power
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Replies:
Posted By: Crimson Juice
Date Posted: 11 October 2017 at 10:12am
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First off nice verse,i liked, the use of assonace here,but it is a custom here that you feed others in order to be fed,you have dropped a few pieces but haven't fed anybody else's work,I feel this is a one sided affair that needs addressing because ppl here believe you get out what you put in,I will leave feed when I see you being a little more forthcoming,no disrespect intended here,more of some friendly advice peace. ------------- "You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance". |
Posted By: D-NoS
Date Posted: 11 October 2017 at 7:44pm
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This hit deep. Thanks for sharing :) BTW welcome to Lyrical Assault! |
Posted By: Who-Is-You?
Date Posted: 20 October 2017 at 10:53pm
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I appreciate the feedback D-NoS and Crimson, I've taken note of what you have said and have done so. Guess this is a good time to bump this for anybody who might not have seen and might want to leave some feedback. Thanks
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Posted By: Storm $hadow
Date Posted: 21 October 2017 at 3:11am
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I won't lie, I want to make you cry, but I don't mean to hurt you. I just want inside your mind, til these words reach your virtue. Basic,but who said basic isn't good? The first line got me drawing two meanings out of it of which I created them myself cause I didn't get what you were trying to convey with that. However, I like the rhyme you employed at the end(Hurt you/ Virtue), nice one. . . waiting outside your conscience, tappin your intuition "I know you heard my words, I know you read them, but did you listen?" Nothing special in this segment... . . Can I, be your gravitation, help you exceed your imagination til you can fully understand a poets words, and read'm with admiration Your first line is my favourite here, reason is obvious. I just want this art to affect you, and inject you, how it infected me Feel it's point of it's love and it's pain. til your affections bleed If I still know what I am reading and still understanding it; You're bridging a gap between art and a lady(Could be guy, I don't know). From my point of view though,i could be wrong. . . wanna tell you stories you already know, but from a different perspective Wanna re-open your emotions. Get'm coastin, til your feeling is restless. Alright, here it's like wanting to open her to a love she already experienced while pledging to make a difference. . . want you to feel these chills, like when one's sick with a fever Smile, laugh, cry, dry your eye, then promote this as your leisure Although some voices, their vocals tower, words alone can be so much louder. So when words are formed into art, I just hope you know their power Nice ending and it's good thing you stayed on point. There's room for improvement though when it comes to your content and rhyme scheme; I mean you could try out multis and internals, they are like spices. And with the content aspect it would be nice to see you key a topical with a sad feel behind it. Btw, welcome to L.A(I know it coming late). |
Posted By: Crimson Juice
Date Posted: 21 October 2017 at 9:43am
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Friend i have seen your efforts on the participation front,and i will leave a detailed feedback within this weekend,thanks for taking the time out for others...peace. ------------- "You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance". |
Posted By: Crimson Juice
Date Posted: 21 October 2017 at 11:42am
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I won't lie, I want to make you cry, but I don't mean to hurt you. I just want inside your mind, til these words reach your virtue. waiting outside your conscience, tappin your intuition "I know you heard my words, I know you read them, but did you listen?" Can I, be your gravitation, help you exceed your imagination til you can fully understand a poets words, and read'm with admiration (firstly i enjoyed the levels of multi's here,ranging from 2-4 syllables which didn't come off as stressed,they were cohesive and in turn read natural (no near rhymes), and this just highlighted your flow,(do you write to a beat? or just write?),anyways i also liked the wording here,word choice is an art in its own right to be honest,it's something that either comes naturally or something most have to work on,as in truth the words have to be learnt as to sit correctly befitting their meaning,which means you have to brush up on the English front either via extra classes or reading books,which ever way you accomplished this i say well done,because it was solid here,the contents had in this segment a vibe that came off like a teacher/pupil scenario,with a hint of frustration thrown in,like your trying to make them grasp the effects,(not understanding is still a form of understanding though..lol),yeah nice segment here you've peaked my interest..) I just want this art to affect you, and inject you, how it infected me Feel it's point of it's love and it's pain. til your affections bleed wanna tell you stories you already know, but from a different perspective Wanna re-open your emotions. Get'm coastin, til your feeling is restless. want you to feel these chills, like when one's sick with a fever Smile, laugh, cry, dry your eye, then promote this as your leisure Although some voices, their vocals tower, words alone can be so much louder. So when words are formed into art, I just hope you know their power (nice poetic stance taken here,their also was some nice emotion within too,trying to covey with heart and love to the enlighten of,is how it read for me,again that's down to good wording & mechanics really,i also thought the overall concept was subtle but active in the progression of promoting lyricists/lyrics,this piece came off as fresh in subject matter,(nice to read originality),on the whole a real nice piece that was solid all round with very little fault,and where I took enjoyment from by reading,definitely worth anyone's time to read,good work i shall keep an eye out for your OM's from here on..peace. ------------- "You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance". |
Posted By: spume corrupt
Date Posted: 24 October 2017 at 10:13pm
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It's nice It seems to convey your passion It's def some convincing justification for you writing Cool stuff...keep on it brother -------------  |
Posted By: Lord Puente
Date Posted: 28 October 2017 at 4:50pm
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I like this more than the drop I just finished commenting on. downside is that this was so short. but this helped build more of a rapport with the reader. gave an inside look. things like that make it more enjoyable and more memorable for the reader. good job, altho this was very short. landing rhymes doesn't seem too difficult with you. -------------  |
Posted By: Bazooka bastard
Date Posted: 29 October 2017 at 9:46am
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Unusual - can't put my finger on why but it read like lyrics to a pop reggae dance song. But with substance. The 2nd to last bar about the loud vocals / words meaning more was heavy. Stories you know from a diff. Perspective was bangin too Hang tite ya bad self |
Posted By: Who-Is-You?
Date Posted: 29 October 2017 at 11:39pm
| Thank you to everybody. Everything said has been noted and appreciated |