Suicidal Thoughts
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Emcee Lounge
Forum Name: Open Mic
Forum Description: This isnt a Battle Board, this is for your Freestyle Verses to be Rated by other members.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=46459
Printed Date: 20 April 2024 at 1:21am
Topic: Suicidal Thoughts
Posted By: Sammy
Subject: Suicidal Thoughts
Date Posted: 26 February 2019 at 12:19am
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very nice. the first half had really nice crisp rhyming. the quality dipped slightly halfway through but it picked back up towards the end. seemed like a venting piece and under that pretense, you seemed to have hit a very nice stride in regards to rhymes and quips. this was really good man. sah loot. liked this line Blowing the thing up cuz at best it's a hill What it's amounting to is my depression is real -------------  |
Replies:
Posted By: D-NoS
Date Posted: 26 February 2019 at 3:09pm
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yo I like to leave feed because I read this and felt it and enjoyed it, so i wanna say props to you fo that. i'm not a technical guy, all I know is 1.2.3.4,x8,x16,x32 and some words rhyme some words don't. so I aint ever gonna leave an epic bit-by-bit analysis, simple coz i wouldn't know wot i was on about.. ..and I cant expect anyone to feel to that.. So bro, All I'm gonna say is, dope piece peace ------------- https://dnos.bandcamp.com https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |
Posted By: Absolute Abomination
Date Posted: 27 February 2019 at 5:22am
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raw piece. solid schemes. some odd word/phrase choices but this shit relatable and real. quality was wavy, a few solid points and few weak moments that seemed like you just wanted to get the multisyllables going (e.g. While catching the vibes, so cool, packet of ice//Smashed my device, that was the vice, practice was nice ------ seemed like al lthis was just to rhyme for the sake of rhyming) overall i enjoyed the read. read the first few bars quickly and it sounded really bad, re-read the whole piece slower and it was much smoother. ------------- Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin. |
Posted By: Crimson Juice
Date Posted: 06 March 2019 at 10:42pm
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Yep i got a kick from this piece here on reading DJ, the inner tumoil/torment was ripe in parts, this verse had a dipping in and out effect but it seemed to add a rawer vibe/slant overall for me, as it didn't lack quality as per say in the process, the rhyme scheme was enjoyable i thought, (which like the content did have dips too), but it didn't mar it any really either, it had this coming of age element/seam etched within via the life woes & strife's, nice piece which i enjoyed reading, (iron out these little chinks in the armour of your writing, & you'll be a beast)...peace. ------------- "You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance". |
Posted By: The Poets Skills
Date Posted: 11 March 2019 at 7:32am
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You definitely have the mechanics of hip hop down, now just to fine tune it Like for instants, you are hitting twice every line, which is dope, but I feel flow wise You can accomplish a lot more if you just took some time to re word it a bit, less BANG BANG and more of a consistent flow. Kinda bounced around content wise, I was feeling the first for sure, then it kinda turned into a flex for me. Last line was hella slept on tho, "Cast the first stone when I'm aiming this gun" Overall: Like I said, you're mint, just need to fine tune your content and delivery of it and you'll be golden pony boy: Strengths: Mechanics and multi patterns Weakness: Lack of effort and stringing your content properly. DOPE1
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Posted By: Xces
Date Posted: 17 March 2019 at 12:59pm
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I feel Sammy's sentiment the start felt a lot stronger than the ending, this topic itself is hard to get to dealing with and carry cleanly. I really really like how you close this out, but it feels like it could use more time in polish. The statement above is more about stuff like this "Chose it this way, choke from smoke from the flames" the repeating of the word "From" feel jittery within the line itself and could be avoided by just swapping it to something else to convey the same message. On a more personal note though. I personally suffer from PTSD and have dealt with suicidal thoughts as a result for the better part of 15 years, if you are legitimately struggling with these sorts of things please please reach out to someone if you need to, don't know you personally but that doesn't matter. I don't check my shit here often but I posted my discord in the discord thing on here if you need to talk feel free to hit me up and we can do that without judgement. -------------  |