Crim:
Bar 1 - First line was relevant to the punch with the 'beans' theme which is a pretty over done play as we all know. I liked the punch itself it seemed quite fresh but the 'a cute 1' was a bit crammed in there trying to over complicate it with the angles theme. The 'parallel line' part I didn't like either cause a line needs another line to be parallel with haha. Basically for a played concept I liked the spin on his name being 'scattered at angles like seeds thrown' but I didn't like the forced a cute 1/obtuse and think it could've either been skipped or done better with different wording and plays.
Bar 2 - Everything about it worked logically but it was all just pretty played. First line wasn't relevant to Beans himself or the punch but as a general bar it was good. If you wrote up a 10 bar Beans diss in Open Mic this would be a good filler line.
Bar 3 - Personal enough both lines and the MIA set up the punch. Warrior double entendre was good but just lacked some venom. A good punch but on the light side.
Bar 4 - First line was ambiguous enough that you could really use it to set up any punch you wanted. General threat kinda self hype punch though which would be good in a random punchline drop but not as a direct attack. In this case it would've been better to use the first half of your punch line to use something related to the Large Hadron Collider. Like yeah it's under ground, where your punch will leave him.. but it wasn't a punch that put the actual Large Hadron Collider under the ground if you know what I mean.
Bar 5 - Yeah I get the dick/Ahab connection but that was all that was relevant if you know what I mean. Like you could replace RKB's name with anyone and direct the punch at anyone and it would still be the same. A decent play but not direct enough. There would be ways to tailor the whole bar to be more specific to his situation with RKB that you are alluding to.
Bar 6 - Yeah the two lines were relevant enough to each other to get a pass and honestly that 'read between the lines' punch was ill shit. If you'd put that in a random self hype drop I'd be like 'shit that's a good line' and I will give it the credit it deserves as a line but again it wasn't really relevant to Beans in this case.
Beans:
Bar 1 - In those bars Crim is clearly using a different structure and while the rhymes are basic they do rhyme. It's like he's putting 2 lines onto one line instead (men, ten, lo, solo). I liked the direction but it kinda discredits itself when the quotes make it clear how he was formatting those bars.
Bar 2 - The punch itself was basic (I'd rather do this than read your shit) but when you take all the personals into consideration it was creative and a good jab.
Bar 3 - I liked the continuation of the theme with the same personal being further used against him.
Bar 4 - Momentum dropped here the whole thing was pretty forced. I get that you were putting a fresh spin on 'sick' etc but it didn't work in this case. I feel like you could've used the corona theme better in tandem with the 'sneeze would crush you' and 'sick' without the weird wordplay.
Bar 5 - Had to do some googling here to get it even though I knew 'Juice Wrld' was referring to 'Juice's world'. I dunno it seemed like random info and attempts at plays to make it all seem relevant. The more people have to think/research why a punch works hinders the effectiveness and in this case with me it did. I can appreciate the components but that's about it.
Bar 6 - Decent with a decent play on his name but overall pretty generic, clever enough to get a pass though.
Overall I feel like CJ came with a decent kind of dissy love-tap type self-hype verse. Definitely work on your battling fundamentals and keep at it cause judging by your actual writing style/OM work you've come a long way. Now just to apply that to the battle side of things if you want to. You know you can. This verse showed a lot of potential for you in that area so don't be put off by me breaking it down.
Beans this is the least impressive verse I've seen from you but I'm not gonna sit here and insult your intelligence, it was pretty obvious that you were 'writing to the level of your opponent' for the most part. Battling fundamentals were there and while some punches were weak or forced your verse was undoubtedly directed at CJ from start to finish. Second and third bar were good and more to the level of what I expect from you.
For the more focused, personal, and battle-structured verse I give my vote to Beans.
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