Topic ClosedUrban Legends: [R1-B6] Point Blank vs Shankley

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Scotty32 View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Topic: [R1-B6] Point Blank vs Shankley
    Posted: 22 May 2014 at 9:22pm

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16 - 24 Lines
Deadline: 29th May 2014 at 8:00pm BST (GMT + 1)
No extensions will be given - Late Entry = DQ
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Topic

On your 18th birthday discover you have super powers




Edited by Scotty32 - 24 May 2014 at 12:06pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 May 2014 at 3:28pm

Happy birthday I think I hear upon waking up
Sunny, a decent day seems to be shaping up
When I see mum in the livin room I hear things
I got some cards from family and dear friends
My mum and dad wish me happy birthday
Without moving their lips or seeing me in the doorway
As I turn I see my grandfather pass me
say Happy birthday and continue I'd take my slipper to you gladly
But I only saw him say the birthday greeting with his lips
The rest was produced like some ventriloquist
As I walk through the house I hear more and more
It is like my family are talking with their thoughts
I do a simple experiment to check the hunch that I have
But the idea of this is hard to grasp
I will ask my sister an innocuous question
I hear her answer before it's even spoken
The Amount of Fucks given: Zero
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 May 2014 at 7:55pm
I'm in the V.I.P booth, sippin' my first legal drink
Clocked a hotty staring at me from the bar, giving me a wink
Damn, I hope she stays round while this liquid gives me confidence
I don't stand a chance unless I get rid of this incompetence
But hey, it's my birthday, and this has been my strangest one
I feel like I've sprouted superpowers now this day has come
It's like everybody's treating me exactly how I want them to
I guess that they're just proud for all the painful years they got me through
But I hate my fucking stepdad - I'm glad today I seen him act bizarre 
I watched him park outside my house and then drive off before he'd left the car...

It seems a little strange...

I've drank some more Jager and I'm well on my way, tending to sway
Time to speak to the girl at the bar, but what the hell do I say?
I better do it now cos I'll be vomiting later
But suddenly I noticed that her movements were robotic in nature
Her eyes looked vacant like her brain had been frozen behind
And thats when it all clicked - I can control people's minds!!
I made her walk towards me, and you can bet that I'mma hit that!
I'll have her count my money while she's stretching like a gymnast
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2014 at 6:06am
shank, you did a great job setting the seen of the birthday and brought on the superpowers in a predictable, yet effective manner. the schemes are technical aspects were a tad on the weak side. it was a lot of ABABABABAB schemeing and some of the end rhymes were pretty weak. the good thing about this is that you get to get across exactly what you mean, but i just didn't feel you did enough to compensate for the flow you sacrificed. good job staying on point for the topic though.

point, nice angle at the topic here. good job takin on the characters frame of mind and walkin in his shoes. enjoyed a more specific and less predictable take at the topic. rhyme scheme stayed true and flow was smooth. could tell you wanted to keep goin longer then 24 lines, that ending was abrupt but you said what you had to do to cover the topic.

mvgt point, less generalized and predictable take on the topic and more intricate and masterful display of mechanics
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2014 at 9:20am
Shankley your verse had what I could find to be a line about the superpower or a bar, some of the rhymes didn't quite rhyme and it would have been better had it been more complex, the flow was aiit but read through a little disjointed cos of the rhymes that didn't meet, it was an ok attempt but not quite what was required to take this battle

Point Blank was waiting for the topic to kick in in the verse and found it well balanced with some lines builtup in the piece on topic, the structure was random through it but the rhymes were in there well and the verse was brought together with the overall topic, it could have been good to throw some more inner rhymes in there but the style was aiit

MVGT Point Blank
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2014 at 6:13pm
Shank...

What I liked about your verse...you kept it simple, didn't overcomplicate things. I liked the ventriloquist idea, cool image.

What could've been better...whole bunch, didn't really think your superpower was much of a superpower to be honest. Your verse didn't really go anywhere, were a couple of rhymes that I thought were very basic too. I also think you kind of wasted too much time on the fact it was your birthday, considering you had a restricted line limit.

All in all, I think you basically could've planned this one out a bit better, thought about your concept and wrote around that rather than (as it seemed) sitting down and just writing until you hit the line limit.

PB

What I liked...cool concept, liked how you developed it from being sat in the bar and replaying other things that had happened during the day. I also liked how you were @ the bar since it's your 18th, that was a cool little touch...the punchline of the joke was pretty obvious kind of 5 lines in, but the positive is you had that very clear concept and progression even within a short verse. You needed to keep it relatively simple to get it across and work that progression in idea and I think you did a really good job of that.

What I thought could've been better...for the sake of critique, I thought your superpower was a little tame...it kind of went from indirect control to specific control & really you didn't "wake up and discover" so being picky you're a little off topic. Like I alluded to above, if you were facing a higher standard verse I think the fact that the ending wasn't much of a surprise might've been held against you. No disrespect to Shank, but I'm guessing you understood the opposition you were facing and acted accordingly.

Overall, I think you did a good job, I liked the idea and you executed it pretty well but obviously you will need to up your game in later rounds.

Vote = PB, all round better verse in terms of concept, readability and general skills displayed
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 May 2014 at 2:51pm
3 KO to Point Blank, hes through to the next round
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