Urban Legends: [R1-B6] Point Blank vs Shankley |
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Scotty32
Site Owner Speaker of Wisdom & Truth Joined: 18 October 2003 Location: North West, UK Status: Offline Points: 10489 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-4-0 Form: WLLWLL |
Topic: [R1-B6] Point Blank vs Shankley Posted: 22 May 2014 at 9:22pm |
Rules 16 - 24 Lines Deadline: 29th May 2014 at 8:00pm BST (GMT + 1) No extensions will be given - Late Entry = DQ Verses to be posted in this thread Crew Votes Allowed Participant Voting Allowed Topic On your 18th birthday discover you have super powers Edited by Scotty32 - 24 May 2014 at 12:06pm |
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Shankley
Superior Member Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
Posted: 24 May 2014 at 3:28pm |
Happy birthday I think I hear upon waking up Sunny, a decent day seems to be shaping up When I see mum in the livin room I hear things I got some cards from family and dear friends My mum and dad wish me happy birthday Without moving their lips or seeing me in the doorway As I turn I see my grandfather pass me say Happy birthday and continue I'd take my slipper to you gladly But I only saw him say the birthday greeting with his lips The rest was produced like some ventriloquist As I walk through the house I hear more and more It is like my family are talking with their thoughts I do a simple experiment to check the hunch that I have But the idea of this is hard to grasp I will ask my sister an innocuous question I hear her answer before it's even spoken |
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Point Blank
Superior Member Joined: 20 May 2005 Status: Offline Points: 7234 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 92-27-5 Form: WWNWWN |
Posted: 29 May 2014 at 7:55pm |
I'm in the V.I.P booth, sippin' my first legal drink
Clocked a hotty staring at me from the bar, giving me a wink Damn, I hope she stays round while this liquid gives me confidence I don't stand a chance unless I get rid of this incompetence But hey, it's my birthday, and this has been my strangest one I feel like I've sprouted superpowers now this day has come It's like everybody's treating me exactly how I want them to I guess that they're just proud for all the painful years they got me through But I hate my fucking stepdad - I'm glad today I seen him act bizarre I watched him park outside my house and then drive off before he'd left the car... It seems a little strange... I've drank some more Jager and I'm well on my way, tending to sway Time to speak to the girl at the bar, but what the hell do I say? I better do it now cos I'll be vomiting later But suddenly I noticed that her movements were robotic in nature Her eyes looked vacant like her brain had been frozen behind And thats when it all clicked - I can control people's minds!! I made her walk towards me, and you can bet that I'mma hit that! I'll have her count my money while she's stretching like a gymnast
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
Posted: 30 May 2014 at 6:06am |
shank, you did a great job setting the seen of the birthday and brought on the superpowers in a predictable, yet effective manner. the schemes are technical aspects were a tad on the weak side. it was a lot of ABABABABAB schemeing and some of the end rhymes were pretty weak. the good thing about this is that you get to get across exactly what you mean, but i just didn't feel you did enough to compensate for the flow you sacrificed. good job staying on point for the topic though.
point, nice angle at the topic here. good job takin on the characters frame of mind and walkin in his shoes. enjoyed a more specific and less predictable take at the topic. rhyme scheme stayed true and flow was smooth. could tell you wanted to keep goin longer then 24 lines, that ending was abrupt but you said what you had to do to cover the topic. mvgt point, less generalized and predictable take on the topic and more intricate and masterful display of mechanics
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Rapper T
Suspended Joined: 25 November 2013 Location: NZ Status: Offline Points: 1423 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 22-27-0 Form: LLLWLW |
Posted: 30 May 2014 at 9:20am |
Shankley your verse had what I could find to be a line about the superpower or a bar, some of the rhymes didn't quite rhyme and it would have been better had it been more complex, the flow was aiit but read through a little disjointed cos of the rhymes that didn't meet, it was an ok attempt but not quite what was required to take this battle
Point Blank was waiting for the topic to kick in in the verse and found it well balanced with some lines builtup in the piece on topic, the structure was random through it but the rhymes were in there well and the verse was brought together with the overall topic, it could have been good to throw some more inner rhymes in there but the style was aiit MVGT Point Blank
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 30 May 2014 at 6:13pm |
Shank...
What I liked about your verse...you kept it simple, didn't overcomplicate things. I liked the ventriloquist idea, cool image. What could've been better...whole bunch, didn't really think your superpower was much of a superpower to be honest. Your verse didn't really go anywhere, were a couple of rhymes that I thought were very basic too. I also think you kind of wasted too much time on the fact it was your birthday, considering you had a restricted line limit. All in all, I think you basically could've planned this one out a bit better, thought about your concept and wrote around that rather than (as it seemed) sitting down and just writing until you hit the line limit. PB What I liked...cool concept, liked how you developed it from being sat in the bar and replaying other things that had happened during the day. I also liked how you were @ the bar since it's your 18th, that was a cool little touch...the punchline of the joke was pretty obvious kind of 5 lines in, but the positive is you had that very clear concept and progression even within a short verse. You needed to keep it relatively simple to get it across and work that progression in idea and I think you did a really good job of that. What I thought could've been better...for the sake of critique, I thought your superpower was a little tame...it kind of went from indirect control to specific control & really you didn't "wake up and discover" so being picky you're a little off topic. Like I alluded to above, if you were facing a higher standard verse I think the fact that the ending wasn't much of a surprise might've been held against you. No disrespect to Shank, but I'm guessing you understood the opposition you were facing and acted accordingly. Overall, I think you did a good job, I liked the idea and you executed it pretty well but obviously you will need to up your game in later rounds. Vote = PB, all round better verse in terms of concept, readability and general skills displayed |
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Scotty32
Site Owner Speaker of Wisdom & Truth Joined: 18 October 2003 Location: North West, UK Status: Offline Points: 10489 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-4-0 Form: WLLWLL |
Posted: 31 May 2014 at 2:51pm |
3 KO to Point Blank, hes through to the next round
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