Open Mic: relevance

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   Lava boiling below the surface. 
Terraforming new developments, 
a system heaven sent if implemented with intelligence. 
Patience and care is evident. 
Truthfully it's a testament to the questions that ponder whether the meaning is relevant 
but something tells me they can't commit. 
Hydrolyze the settlements.
The wasteland stays desolate

Edited by ΔE(t) - 13 December 2018 at 7:16am

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ΔE(t) Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50	Post Options Post Reply Quote ΔE(t) Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: relevance Posted: 13 December 2018 at 7:09am
	Lava boiling below the surface. Terraforming new developments, a system heaven sent if implemented with intelligence. Patience and care is evident. Truthfully it's a testament to the questions that ponder whether the meaning is relevant but something tells me they can't commit. Hydrolyze the settlements. The wasteland stays desolate Edited by ΔE(t) - 13 December 2018 at 7:16am

Sammy Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sammy Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 December 2018 at 12:17am
	this isn't too bad at all. i have a feeling ur some kind of alias but if ur not, this was pretty good. the development rhyme scheme was dope. the only issue i had was the actual content of the piece. like i don't know what its about, nahzmean?


Sammy Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sammy Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 December 2018 at 12:22am
	btw man, i noticed u dropped man verses. i hope you been giving people feedbacks as well. Otherwise, the wrath of Endeez will be upon u.


ΔE(t) Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50	Post Options Post Reply Quote ΔE(t) Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 December 2018 at 8:15am
	Haha thanks, it's not an alias. I don't think i'd be anymore familiar if I told you my name. I am learning that I should write with a more developed story. If you're interested in the content, here's what went down with this piece. I wrote it pretty angry (hence the first line, it's how I felt) after I started writing I was thinking about the way I responded that evening and how it doesn't fit with who i want to be. It's basically about failing at self improvement. It felt like I was dissolving all my progress with my outbursts, destroying everything I was trying to build. I was just in the mood to write and was already here. I try to give feedback, I don't think it's as constructive as you guys but I want to contribute to the growth of others as well. I don't know Endeez but wrath isn't usually a good time. Any other advice you're willing to share I am all ears. Hopefully what I have to say is just as helpful. Cheers.

ΔE(t) Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50	Post Options Post Reply Quote ΔE(t) Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15 December 2018 at 8:44am
	Just gathered Endeez was endeavor. He seems too cool to rain down wrath but I'll keep giving feedback anyway.

Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 December 2018 at 8:34pm
	Well well,you do take feed on board,now this verse (although short),did have depth, i was liking your word choices/placements here,and the tempo/flow was smooth also,on reading i got images of then and a now scenario,or a good & bad/flame & ember vibe whilst reading,the inward looking view was a nice inclusion,& in truth i have no complaints except i wish it was longer,ripe read..peace.
	"You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance".

ΔE(t) Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50	Post Options Post Reply Quote ΔE(t) Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 December 2018 at 10:40pm
	Very cool you got the intended tone. Thanks for the feedback Crimson, I am working on being able to write longer and more focused/detailed pieces.

Rapper T Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Suspended Joined: 25 November 2013 Location: NZ Status: Offline Points: 1423 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 22-27-0 Form: LLLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Rapper T Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 December 2018 at 12:26am
	I see some early scrawlings of my own in this piece so I thought I'd give it a feed, looks like you got a nice idea of imagery Lava boiling below the surface. Terraforming new developments I do a lot of rapping to beats and off the top it's evident to me this might have been written without one or without timing in mind, I noticed the first line seems to have one extra syllable sort of thing whereas 'lava boiling 'low the surface' would have fit into a traditional bar length of timing sort of thing. Similarly in the second line there's one extra syllable and to me you could leave it like this which leaves the flow slightly busy or by chiselling the line back to something like 'terraforming older versions' or something it would have just sat tighter in the pocket with a more rhythmical multi a system heaven sent if implemented with intelligence. Patience and care is evident. Personally I like inner rhymes to transition between bars and the third line rolls through nice for flow, I feel like the 'is' in the next line is unnecessary as the patience comes in a little too fast in the flow but again, if you think it's vital that the lines are a little busy then by all means it still works stylistically, just it can be smoother sounding with more precision. Truthfully it's a testament to the questions that ponder whether the meaning is relevant but something tells me they can't commit. Hydrolyze the settlements. The wasteland stays desolate This last part again felt a bit busy in the first half, the filler could be cleaned a bit to flow something like 'truthfully it's testament to questions that they're ponderin' 'bout meanin's of irrelevance that somethin' tells me's non-commital', you see how that fits into 4/4 timing over 2 bars a lot tighter and you'll know what I mean. The last italicized bar was nice for imagery for me too. You got some of the right ideas, stay up and keep elevating :)

ΔE(t) Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 28 November 2018 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 50	Post Options Post Reply Quote ΔE(t) Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 December 2018 at 4:53am
	Rapper T, Thanks for bringing syllable and beat count to my attention. It wasn't written with a beat, been trying the last few days but have a hard time hearing the beat and the words together. I appreciate your revisions however the second revision seems difficult to read and busier to me. I will work on compacting some of my lines tho. Cheers.