Open Mic: Rise

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
D-NoS View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 10 October 2014
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 148

Text Rank: #15
Stats: 0-4-0
Form: LLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote D-NoS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Rise
    Posted: 16 October 2017 at 11:21pm
A very short piece, versed slowly (for obvious reasons LOL)

Life is real
Know the deal 
You ain't' made 
of stainless steal
despite what 
you might feel 
David slew Goliath 
giants keel

bigger they are
harder they fall
what goes up
must come down' n all
stand up tall
get ya back off the wall
some men rise
and some men stale
https://soundcloud.com/user-694461707
Back to Top
Who-Is-You? View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 03 October 2017
Status: Offline
Points: 63

Voter of The Month

Text Rank: #12
Stats: 1-0-0
Form: W
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Who-Is-You? Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 October 2017 at 2:06am
This is decent.
The only suggestions that I would have is to up the vocabulary and to make the rhymes more complex. The words you have now are all basic one syllable rhymes. Also would have been nice to see ya get outside of the box a bit more with your ideas. There wasn't a real complex bar or punchline here. No wow factor. The ending also kinda (pardon the pun) "stall" out abruptly. Aside from that, keep it up. 
Back to Top
D-NoS View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 10 October 2014
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 148

Text Rank: #15
Stats: 0-4-0
Form: LLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote D-NoS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 October 2017 at 4:29pm
Thanks for the feedback, appreciated. Cool
https://soundcloud.com/user-694461707
Back to Top
Storm $hadow View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie


Joined: 25 July 2015
Location: Abuja
Status: Offline
Points: 329

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-4-0
Form: LLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Storm $hadow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 October 2017 at 3:12pm
I will take the simplicity of this work as something in the field of spoken word. It's great actually, and a little bit of message behind it. Would like to see a more wider work from you where you get to broaden your writing and input more substances.
Back to Top
iLL ScriptureZ View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 13 May 2014
Location: NJ
Status: Offline
Points: 1895
Crew: Elision

Text Rank: #11
Stats: 9-4-1
Form: WWLLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 October 2017 at 3:50pm
D... this is real weak tbh. I'm not gonna give you bullshit feedback and tell you I feel it and it has potential etc. Scrap this. It's too simple and it really has nothing to offer outside of the giants kneel. The way you structured this was suspect and it made, what you did write, choppy as fuck. Find some creativity, put some multis together and create something from the heart man.
Back to Top
spume corrupt View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 April 2011
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 2738
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 20-7-1
Form: WLWLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 October 2017 at 8:27pm
Ok D
I'm gonna keep it real like Illy did
If you took the best bits from this and tried to craft 2 decent lines you still wouldn't have enough material to make them lines much good but at least you would have a start
That's 2 average lines at best then
So 14 lines short of an average 16 lines open mic piece
So much work to do my man, but don't be down hearted about my opinion
I say this only to inspire you to reach your potential
Keep up brother and remember at the stage you are at feeding better writers will help enlighten you to what is missing from your presentations

Back to Top
D-NoS View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 10 October 2014
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 148

Text Rank: #15
Stats: 0-4-0
Form: LLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote D-NoS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 October 2017 at 10:58pm
Originally posted by spume corrupt spume corrupt wrote:

Ok D
I'm gonna keep it real like Illy did
If you took the best bits from this and tried to craft 2 decent lines you still wouldn't have enough material to make them lines much good but at least you would have a start
That's 2 average lines at best then
So 14 lines short of an average 16 lines open mic piece
So much work to do my man, but don't be down hearted about my opinion
I say this only to inspire you to reach your potential
Keep up brother and remember at the stage you are at feeding better writers will help enlighten you to what is missing from your presentations

Hey man I appreciate the feedback as always! Reason I don't feed much is because to be honest I wouldn't know what the f**k I was ona bout any way really except if I liked it or not which isn't real helpful in itself. I bunked off school and don't really know the in's and out's of actually composing music/lyrics, to be honest all I did growing up was rap along with my fav rappers/emcess and write what I thought were some type of rhymes. Its only recently since visiting this site that I have began to learn about bars and flow and shit.. I like Hip Hop and Gangster Rap don't get me wrong but around the age of 13 I grew out of that and got into garage, drum n bass, hardcore edm, ect. But yeah I can see and tell that many of you guys are pretty awesome dudes who write awesome raps :)

Soz for the wall of text but I just wanted let you and the other guys know; I realize this is a short piece, I wrote it at the top of the page indicating it should not necessarily be said fast. Ok I get the words are simple and the lines don't mesh well probably but I had a specific message in mind when I wrote it. The long and rather amateur.. 'Danger! Nitro Oxide Sound' lyric after getting some much appreciated feedback was a wake up call for me.. I realize how bad my writing is/was and am attempting to make the adjustment from poor to at least a digestible level. 

I'd appreciate it if someone anyone would take  a look at and perhaps let me know what they think about my more recent and I THOUGHT better quality Raps, like this one Kung-Poo and Better Emcee Than You. As I said I know this piece 'Rise' ..was not worthy enough of posting but I figured something short and sweat was a good way for me to start trying to write more conceptually...  this onc for example Coin Purse came the day after Rise, Kung Poo and Better Emcee Than You a few days after. I have a few more written but I dont wanna flood the site with any more till i get some feed on them ones.

and yea obviously like to get battling eventually.


Edited by D-NoS - 24 October 2017 at 11:17pm
https://soundcloud.com/user-694461707
Back to Top
spume corrupt View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 April 2011
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 2738
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 20-7-1
Form: WLWLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 October 2017 at 11:21pm
Yeah that's a my bad homie, you don't need to feed other people on this site in order to get feed yourself...
Maybe just read and learn
Trust I was never trying to belittle you it's not my style
In all honesty my best advice to you is just be yourself
I can appreciate anyone who enjoys to write verse
And when I get some extra time I will look at your other recent work

Back to Top
D-NoS View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 10 October 2014
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 148

Text Rank: #15
Stats: 0-4-0
Form: LLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote D-NoS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 October 2017 at 11:33pm
No sweat brother Thumbs Up

I look forwards to it, cheers!
https://soundcloud.com/user-694461707
Back to Top
Absolute Abomination View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 15 May 2015
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 369

Text Rank: #13
Stats: 3-3-0
Form: LLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 October 2017 at 10:15am
The first half was much better than the second. Accepting that it was a very short piece, there are a few too many words in the second half that kill the flow.

That being said this feels like a small piece of a much bigger puzzle. I'd be interested in seeing if you can drop something bigger related to this.
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
Back to Top
Crimson Juice View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator


Joined: 20 December 2015
Location: U.K.
Status: Offline
Points: 2168
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 4-8-0
Form: WLLLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 October 2017 at 4:29pm
So i read this as you intended (slow),and before i type my pro's and con's this is a
really small piece to draw to much from,i'll start by typing i liked the first half better
than the second,although choppy,it seemed more in vein and a complete concept,
the 2nd half was more spatial i feel,yes this piece is basic but then I feel it needs to
be really,as you don't have room to be complex,unless your highly creative with stressing words or projecting them to mean more than their intended purpose,via
the line lengths on display here,i see your trying to incorporate depth by layering,
but you didn't quite have a strong enough concept from the off to achieve that,and
the cut and chop style is difficult to do so props there,the big factor here is that it
was written like a 3rd person's prospective,nothing had emotion or attachment,on
the whole though it wasn't bad it had merit still,as this isn't a scheme easy to pull
off,props for trying..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,before you can make an entrance".
Back to Top
D-NoS View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 10 October 2014
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 148

Text Rank: #15
Stats: 0-4-0
Form: LLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote D-NoS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 October 2017 at 6:45pm
Thanks Absolute Abomination, I'll look into it Smile

Cheers once again Crimson Juice! Thumbs Up
https://soundcloud.com/user-694461707
Back to Top
Lord Puente View Drop Down
Street Team
Street Team
Avatar

Joined: 05 July 2016
Location: Florida
Status: Offline
Points: 1393

Audio Champ

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 4-2-0
Form: LWWWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 October 2017 at 4:53pm
this was short. nothing that really left an impression. everything was very basic. id recommend reading the Rap manual on the website volume 1). it will help you add some more "flavor" to your writing.

this was short and too big of a portion of this is all basic shit that's been said before and you just repeated.

"bigger they are

harder they fall

what goes up

must come down' "

nothing impressive on this. keep practicing and elevating.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down