Forum LockedText Battle Archive: S Dubb vs Rapper T(topical) (3-0)

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Direct Link To This Post Topic: S Dubb vs Rapper T(topical) (3-0)
    Posted: 28 December 2016 at 11:08am
☠☠☠

When I went to the doctor he suggested I should hand it in
My fam also supported the idea I should be endin' it
A life of pain and nothing else instore - ya get my drift?
The note the doctor wrote said twenty-four hours left to live

Couldn't've be more negative so I went to the loan shark
Asked to borrow bucks and then waited for it to go dark
Went to the studio fast, picked the microphone up
Threw on a bit of Mozart mixed in with gin and doja

A little bit of Bone Thugs and my killer flow cuz
Lacin' spit with no love, about the shit this bro does
About the world and grown up, the mountains and explosions
The founders and the holders and the fountains and the locusts

The ground about to roll and how the earth around revolves it
Speak the rhyme and hold it so it's captured as a file
Then shop the tape to all the labels happenin' at the time
And drop the bass to mourn the fact I ... have ... to ... die

☠☠☠
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 December 2016 at 8:49pm
Unexpected Death

At home I sit, nervous!  Goosebumps all up and Down my Arm...
My chest is Pounding Hard awaiting this call About my Heart...
I'm Soaking wet, dripping with sweat!  Fighting these mood swings...
Patiently waiting when all of the sudden the telephone rings...
"This is your doctor, I'm sorry to say but the cancer has Devoured you Kid...
I have to tell you, you'll be lucky if you even have 24 Hours to Live...
Oh man, Shit!  I hang up the Phone and Dip...
Grab my Chrome and Clip, I'm About to Flip, so I know I need to be Alone for This...

I leave a note to the kids, I Wont Be Returning! 
Daddy will be alright there's No Need to Worry...
I love you so much you Both are my Life!  I Know you'll be Fine...
I Spoke to the Wife, your mother, so I'll know if you Wont do what's Right...

Friend or foe you need to leave me alone my Mind is so Twisted...
I would Fight for my Livin' but it's over because I know my Time is Limited...
It's over!  I'm weak and losing my life!  I feel like I'm Past Death...
Gasping for air I scream out my love as I take my Last Breath.....
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 December 2016 at 11:53pm

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.


OK guys lets see what you have here..


Rapper T,I liked your direct approach in this piece,no fucking around just straight into
your last days desires,and the flow itself was a highlight on it's own,damn you love
your music eh,I think you gave a good account of what you'd do,lacked a little depth
though,kind of simplistic on reading for me,I think audio would do this better justice as the tempo was nice,these for me were your best lines,

"Couldn't've be more negative so I went to the loan shark
Asked to borrow bucks and then waited for it to go dark"

"About the world and grown up, the mountains and explosions
The founders and the holders and the fountains and the locusts"


S Dubb yep i liked it,you built this well really,by adding some vivid writing you added
some nice depth,plus the character here felt more realistic and believable also,the
wording was also good on the whole too,a pacey read also which suggests your flow
was good,all in all good verse..

Overall I liked both verses on show,but there was a winner and for me that was Dubb,here's why,the details and contents were more appealing for me..

Vote..S Dubb..peace.
   
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 January 2017 at 12:04am

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rapper T
your first segment
not a fan of your opening bar (hand it in) and (endin it't) end rhymes dont sit well
 now the 2nd bar im diggin it ,, ya get my drift ,, left to live  ,,, much better
2nd segment i dug the first bar but the follow up one fizzled out
3rd segment your losing it feels like going off in a different direction
and the last segment really not diggin it homie does not have that topical feel to it really


yo dubb
im liking the way you start it off with some descriptive visuals

This is your doctor, I'm sorry to say but the cancer has Devoured you Kid...
I have to tell you, you'll be lucky if you even have 24 Hours to Live...
your 24h to live bar over powered R.Ts by a long shot
liked the little build up to it rather then rt's approach of jumping right on it
the flow is smooth as it continues i like the emotion your describing
he neds to be alone for liked that and letting his wife and kids know
it will be alright
over all homie you told a nice story here brought it to life
and then he ended his own sad ending,, you had the story line the emotion the rhymes the flow
and personally i also like it when a writer gives there topical verse a name

so rapper T thats somethin maybe you can try 
also you could be more descriptive and try to use some emotions
create a story that draws a reader in

so for the clear reasons above and the much better crafted topical verse
MVFGT: S Dubb




See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so
warn the mother fucking people
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 January 2017 at 11:23pm

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.


Rapper T:

Theme wise this was ehhhhh Like if you took out the bit about the doctor and the final line, you'd literally have no idea that's what the theme would be. More came across as 'I love to rap' kinda piece, in the sense it was about being in the studio spitting about life etc. You need to remember in these battles that topic is key, and you started on topic then just went off somewhere else. In terms of you writing, it wasn't bad, the rhyming was decent enough, and you didn't make any glaring errors. With that being said you only had one real bar that caught my attention:

About the world and grown up, the mountains and explosions
The founders and the holders and the fountains and the locusts

That bit was pretty nice, though the second line of it could do with some wording edits. You never really want to be using 'and the' twice in a line, comes across as a bit sloppy and lacking in terms of your vocab range. 

S Dubb:

You kept on topic well, and did a decent job with the route you went down. The writing side of it wasn't awful, some rhymes you try though do seem forced, a mistake I've seen you make a few times in pieces so definitely something to work on e.g:

I leave a note to the kids, I Wont Be Returning! 
Daddy will be alright there's No Need to Worry...

Friend or foe you need to leave me alone my Mind is so Twisted...
I would Fight for my Livin' but it's over because I know my Time is Limited..

The first one just doesn't rhyme, I could see how you could force a near rhyme out of it, however you don't want to be forcing anything. The second you bounced mind and time which is fine (mad rhyme skills myself) then matched the -ed at the end of each verse which is complete bullshit. Either match the -ed only, or match the whole thing. When you part match it comes off as really shit.

Also since I'm picking faults, I'm gonna give you a pass on one thing but I'm gonna give you the super skeptical snake face about it. The 'I spoke to the wife, your mother' I'm going to pretend they're two different people and the person remarried, and the wife is their step-mother. That line refers to the same person, in which case you've blatantly just padded out that line.


Anyway, as for the vote. Quite an easy one really, one person stayed on topic and the other didn't.

MVGT/ S Dubb



ALSO, you're both aware if you had 24 hours left to live you'd be bed ridden right? I mean Jesus fuck, these are the most seemingly healthy terminally ill people ever.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 January 2017 at 7:56pm
lol.... thanks for the feed Jay.... I'll take the advice and use it well.... app it....

Can a mod close this, this would be over 3-0, ko..... good battle Rapper T
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 January 2017 at 6:41pm
Yo Cuba or any mod can you get this locked and moved to the archives....
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