Text Battle Archive: S Dubb vs Rapper T(topical) (3-0) |
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Rapper T
Suspended Joined: 25 November 2013 Location: NZ Status: Offline Points: 1423 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 22-27-0 Form: LLLWLW |
Topic: S Dubb vs Rapper T(topical) (3-0) Posted: 28 December 2016 at 11:08am |
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When I went to the doctor he suggested I should hand it in My fam also supported the idea I should be endin' it A life of pain and nothing else instore - ya get my drift? The note the doctor wrote said twenty-four hours left to live Couldn't've be more negative so I went to the loan shark Asked to borrow bucks and then waited for it to go dark Went to the studio fast, picked the microphone up Threw on a bit of Mozart mixed in with gin and doja A little bit of Bone Thugs and my killer flow cuz Lacin' spit with no love, about the shit this bro does About the world and grown up, the mountains and explosions The founders and the holders and the fountains and the locusts The ground about to roll and how the earth around revolves it Speak the rhyme and hold it so it's captured as a file Then shop the tape to all the labels happenin' at the time And drop the bass to mourn the fact I ... have ... to ... die ☠☠☠ |
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S Dubb
Groupie Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL |
Posted: 28 December 2016 at 8:49pm |
Unexpected Death At home I sit, nervous! Goosebumps all up and Down my Arm... My chest is Pounding Hard awaiting this call About my Heart... I'm Soaking wet, dripping with sweat! Fighting these mood swings... Patiently waiting when all of the sudden the telephone rings... "This is your doctor, I'm sorry to say but the cancer has Devoured you Kid... I have to tell you, you'll be lucky if you even have 24 Hours to Live... Oh man, Shit! I hang up the Phone and Dip... Grab my Chrome and Clip, I'm About to Flip, so I know I need to be Alone for This... I leave a note to the kids, I Wont Be Returning! Daddy will be alright there's No Need to Worry... I love you so much you Both are my Life! I Know you'll be Fine... I Spoke to the Wife, your mother, so I'll know if you Wont do what's Right... Friend or foe you need to leave me alone my Mind is so Twisted... I would Fight for my Livin' but it's over because I know my Time is Limited... It's over! I'm weak and losing my life! I feel like I'm Past Death... Gasping for air I scream out my love as I take my Last Breath.....
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 30 December 2016 at 11:53pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. OK guys lets see what you have here.. Rapper T,I liked your direct approach in this piece,no fucking around just straight into your last days desires,and the flow itself was a highlight on it's own,damn you love your music eh,I think you gave a good account of what you'd do,lacked a little depth though,kind of simplistic on reading for me,I think audio would do this better justice as the tempo was nice,these for me were your best lines, "Couldn't've be more negative so I went to the loan shark Asked to borrow bucks and then waited for it to go dark" "About the world and grown up, the mountains and explosions The founders and the holders and the fountains and the locusts" S Dubb yep i liked it,you built this well really,by adding some vivid writing you added some nice depth,plus the character here felt more realistic and believable also,the wording was also good on the whole too,a pacey read also which suggests your flow was good,all in all good verse.. Overall I liked both verses on show,but there was a winner and for me that was Dubb,here's why,the details and contents were more appealing for me.. Vote..S Dubb..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Slip
Standard Member Joined: 04 June 2013 Location: St Johns. N.L. Status: Offline Points: 1612 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 14-33-0 Form: LLLWLW |
Posted: 03 January 2017 at 12:04am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. rapper T your first segment not a fan of your opening bar (hand it in) and (endin it't) end rhymes dont sit well now the 2nd bar im diggin it ,, ya get my drift ,, left to live ,,, much better 2nd segment i dug the first bar but the follow up one fizzled out 3rd segment your losing it feels like going off in a different directionand the last segment really not diggin it homie does not have that topical feel to it really yo dubb im liking the way you start it off with some descriptive visuals This is your doctor, I'm sorry to say but the cancer has Devoured you Kid... I have to tell you, you'll be lucky if you even have 24 Hours to Live... your 24h to live bar over powered R.Ts by a long shot liked the little build up to it rather then rt's approach of jumping right on it the flow is smooth as it continues i like the emotion your describing he neds to be alone for liked that and letting his wife and kids know it will be alright over all homie you told a nice story here brought it to life and then he ended his own sad ending,, you had the story line the emotion the rhymes the flow and personally i also like it when a writer gives there topical verse a name so rapper T thats somethin maybe you can try also you could be more descriptive and try to use some emotions create a story that draws a reader in so for the clear reasons above and the much better crafted topical verse MVFGT: S Dubb |
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See no evil speak no evil silent echo alter ego
inner demon violent beast so warn the mother fucking people |
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Jay Homicide
Standard Member Joined: 11 November 2009 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 1329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-3-0 Form: WWLWWW |
Posted: 05 January 2017 at 11:23pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Rapper T: Theme wise this was ehhhhh Like if you took out the bit about the doctor and the final line, you'd literally have no idea that's what the theme would be. More came across as 'I love to rap' kinda piece, in the sense it was about being in the studio spitting about life etc. You need to remember in these battles that topic is key, and you started on topic then just went off somewhere else. In terms of you writing, it wasn't bad, the rhyming was decent enough, and you didn't make any glaring errors. With that being said you only had one real bar that caught my attention: About the world and grown up, the mountains and explosions The founders and the holders and the fountains and the locusts That bit was pretty nice, though the second line of it could do with some wording edits. You never really want to be using 'and the' twice in a line, comes across as a bit sloppy and lacking in terms of your vocab range. S Dubb: You kept on topic well, and did a decent job with the route you went down. The writing side of it wasn't awful, some rhymes you try though do seem forced, a mistake I've seen you make a few times in pieces so definitely something to work on e.g: I leave a note to the kids, I Wont Be Returning! Daddy will be alright there's No Need to Worry... Friend or foe you need to leave me alone my Mind is so Twisted... I would Fight for my Livin' but it's over because I know my Time is Limited.. The first one just doesn't rhyme, I could see how you could force a near rhyme out of it, however you don't want to be forcing anything. The second you bounced mind and time which is fine (mad rhyme skills myself) then matched the -ed at the end of each verse which is complete bullshit. Either match the -ed only, or match the whole thing. When you part match it comes off as really shit. Also since I'm picking faults, I'm gonna give you a pass on one thing but I'm gonna give you the super skeptical snake face about it. The 'I spoke to the wife, your mother' I'm going to pretend they're two different people and the person remarried, and the wife is their step-mother. That line refers to the same person, in which case you've blatantly just padded out that line. Anyway, as for the vote. Quite an easy one really, one person stayed on topic and the other didn't. MVGT/ S Dubb ALSO, you're both aware if you had 24 hours left to live you'd be bed ridden right? I mean Jesus fuck, these are the most seemingly healthy terminally ill people ever. |
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S Dubb
Groupie Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL |
Posted: 08 January 2017 at 7:56pm |
lol.... thanks for the feed Jay.... I'll take the advice and use it well.... app it....
Can a mod close this, this would be over 3-0, ko..... good battle Rapper T
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Topical Twist League= 1-0
1-2 Punch League= 0-3 Regular Text= 0-1 Alias= 0-1 Topical= 1-0 Horrorcore= 1-0 Overall= 3-5 |
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S Dubb
Groupie Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL |
Posted: 09 January 2017 at 6:41pm |
Yo Cuba or any mod can you get this locked and moved to the archives....
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Topical Twist League= 1-0
1-2 Punch League= 0-3 Regular Text= 0-1 Alias= 0-1 Topical= 1-0 Horrorcore= 1-0 Overall= 3-5 |
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