Open Mic: Suicidal Thoughts

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DjFlame View Drop Down
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    Posted: 25 February 2019 at 9:33pm
Been rapping for sport, my madness a war, actually formed
What the pad has in store, not a battle but war
Back to the morgue, packed with the force, immaculate storm
My craft was important so the classics were born
That is the chore, in the booth their shit is tweaking
Useless intervening, got my music in the weekends
It's losing with it's meaning, feeling ruthless yet defeated
But I'm human when depleted and a student of the beat shit
Who's getting feelings? I'm just crafting a rhyme
Fact is of life I'd write your shit in half of the time
While catching the vibes, so cool, packet of ice
Smashed my device, that was the vice, practice was nice
Mad at the strife, cash is the prize, back is on Christ
If I crashed then I died it wouldn't matter tonight
They acting it's like I had them in mind, passion ignites
Turned back then they lied, I's stabbed with a knife
Rational mind having a fight, emotional brain
Roll with the pain though I've been told it's a game
Chose it this way, choke from smoke from the flames
Say I'm wanting to change though I hope for the same
Blowing the thing up cuz at best it's a hill
What it's amounting to is my depression is real
Don't mess with no deals, stress and pressure can kill
Need to quit saying that it's better to chill
Cuz damn
I done tried that route
Feeling paranoid fuckas don't like my sound
Like I'm so loud like my mic died down
I'd cry right now, but I'm jaded as fuck
Making it up, feel as if I'm praying too much
Enabled the punches when I gave em my trust
Cast the first stone where I'm aiming this gun
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Sammy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 February 2019 at 12:19am
very nice. the first half had really nice crisp rhyming. the quality dipped slightly halfway through but it picked back up towards the end. seemed like a venting piece and under that pretense, you seemed to have hit a very nice stride in regards to rhymes and quips. this was really good man. sah loot. liked this line

Blowing the thing up cuz at best it's a hill
What it's amounting to is my depression is real


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote D-NoS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 February 2019 at 3:09pm
yo I like to leave feed because I read this and felt it and enjoyed it, so i wanna say props to you fo that.

i'm not a technical guy, all I know is 1.2.3.4,x8,x16,x32 and some words rhyme some words don't.

so I aint ever gonna leave an epic bit-by-bit analysis, simple coz i wouldn't know wot i was on about..

..and I cant expect anyone to feel to that..

So bro, All I'm gonna say is, dope piece

peace
https://dnos.bandcamp.com

https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 February 2019 at 5:22am
raw piece. solid schemes. some odd word/phrase choices but this shit relatable and real.

quality was wavy, a few solid points and few weak moments that seemed like you just wanted to get the multisyllables going 
(e.g. While catching the vibes, so cool, packet of ice//Smashed my device, that was the vice, practice was nice ------ seemed like al lthis was just to rhyme for the sake of rhyming)

overall i enjoyed the read. read the first few bars quickly and it sounded really bad, re-read the whole piece slower and it was much smoother.

Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DjFlame Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 February 2019 at 1:31pm
Originally posted by Absolute Abomination Absolute Abomination wrote:

raw piece. solid schemes. some odd word/phrase choices but this shit relatable and real.

quality was wavy, a few solid points and few weak moments that seemed like you just wanted to get the multisyllables going 
(e.g. While catching the vibes, so cool, packet of ice//Smashed my device, that was the vice, practice was nice ------ seemed like al lthis was just to rhyme for the sake of rhyming)

overall i enjoyed the read. read the first few bars quickly and it sounded really bad, re-read the whole piece slower and it was much smoother.


Yo this is gonna seem stupid but my phone broke and that was what that quoted part was about. Thanks for the feed though. 
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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 March 2019 at 10:42pm
Yep i got a kick from this piece here on reading DJ, the inner tumoil/torment
was ripe in parts, this verse had a dipping in and out effect but it seemed to
add a rawer vibe/slant overall for me, as it didn't lack quality as per say in the
process, the rhyme scheme was enjoyable i thought, (which like the content
did have dips too), but it didn't mar it any really either, it had this coming of
age element/seam etched within via the life woes & strife's, nice piece which
i enjoyed reading, (iron out these little chinks in the armour of your writing, &
you'll be a beast)...peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote The Poets Skills Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 March 2019 at 7:32am
You definitely have the mechanics of hip hop down, now just to fine tune it
Like for instants, you are hitting twice every line, which is dope, but I feel flow wise
You can accomplish a lot more if you just took some time to re word it a bit, less BANG BANG and more of a consistent flow. 

Kinda bounced around content wise, I was feeling the first for sure, then it kinda turned into a flex for me. 

Last line was hella slept on tho, "Cast the first stone when I'm aiming this gun"

Overall: Like I said, you're mint, just need to fine tune your content and delivery of it and you'll be golden pony boy: Strengths: Mechanics and multi patterns
Weakness: Lack of effort and stringing your content properly. 

DOPE1
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Xces Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 March 2019 at 12:59pm
I feel Sammy's sentiment the start felt a lot stronger than the ending, this topic itself is hard to get to dealing with and carry cleanly. I really really like how you close this out, but it feels like it could use more time in polish.
The statement above is more about stuff like this
"Chose it this way, choke from smoke from the flames" the repeating of the word "From" feel jittery within the line itself and could be avoided by just swapping it to something else to convey the same message.

On a more personal note though. I personally suffer from PTSD and have dealt with suicidal thoughts as a result for the better part of 15 years, if you are legitimately struggling with these sorts of things please please reach out to someone if you need to, don't know you personally but that doesn't matter. I don't check my shit here often but I posted my discord in the discord thing on here if you need to talk feel free to hit me up and we can do that without judgement.


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