Open Mic: summer love

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  12>
Author
fuckoff View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 10 April 2013
Location: fucksville
Status: Offline
Points: 3074

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 27-6-0
Form: WWWWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote fuckoff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: summer love
    Posted: 10 November 2013 at 1:08pm
I was beaming
an looking like young loves summer dream 
the sun always shone on her.. man she was sweet
the streaks of red in her hair lit up like her fiery side
I was getting lost in her smiling eyes, while we drive
couldn't help stare, an grin, as hers met mine
speeding, singing 'long to tracks from way back in ninety five
she had her feet sitting on the dash, an hands on her tanned thighs
dressed in a tank top that can only be described as, dam tight.
the sun setting gently, it fades into the dimmed light of night
says she'd told her mum nine - says she's a little tight for time,
well off the beaten track now, and she was like
'were we goin'.. i replied 'i'm not tellin... its called a surprise'
'alright?..', she said with a little bite.. an then she piped
'but what are we doing tonight'.. 'gettin fucked babe'.. *twice*.. 
I thought.. while gently pullin into a empty lay-by

'hello?!', 'emergency services, police, fire or ambulance?'
'police! please! my daughters missing, an im unsure of this man -
her friends havent seen her.. her phones broke or off
this is so unlike her, an we argued before she went sulking off    
'and how olds your daughter, miss?.. twenty? what? im sorry..
but ring back in 48 hours.. till then its best not to worry..'

*I really... really... wanted to fuck her..*
 
her touch is electric, mate, I wonder how she fucks.. 
I bet her little erect nips taste as good as her wee muff
always acts likes shes such a good girl, but maybe shed be naughty
maybe if I showed her my dark side, she'd do the same.. for me..
I think she plays with me, teases me.. likes to wind me up
always walkin to work in a short skirt that scream 'im a slut -
tie me up'.. id sat behind her at school, close enough to smell her
she wears chanel, jus like my mother did, with hints of vanilla
i showed her kindness, showerin compliments, till she was like 'No, stop it'
but.. id been friendzoned so hard... we'd even go clothes shoppin.. 

*..bitch..*

stood at the door knockin, 
six cops and a swat team
'GET THE RAM READY.. 
HIT THE LOCK.. HE'S NOT IN'..
the slams steady an with a 'click' its 
popped off its hinges  
the search beginnin already 
siftin thru paperstacks 
and tossed syringes
rippin every draw out. 
ignoring the stench of rot 
from the kitchens many half empty pots
cause that girl - she been missin days, then 
without a flicker of hesitation 
or any doubt came a heavy shout.. 
'SARGE... COME HERE...' he pauses, 
not cause hes breathin -
he's jus tryna take it all in.. 
'I.. I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE THIS..'

'what is this place.. whats goin on, its kind of creepy'.. 
'Ive told you, its a secret.. C'mon... come inside.. youll see'..

walls all dark n dirtied, like theyd risen straight from earth
fallen windows left jus iron bars, on this prison made from dirt
vacated since the eighties, an asylum, where the different went to 'learn'
it was lit up by a sick fuck a touch violent, an it still glistened where it'd burnt,
charred roof n ash, scattered the path like its past occupants minds
knarled roots had wrapped the overgrown gates now lost in the grime
the wooden porch was black like tar, this lonely place rotten wa slime  
most slats now snapped apart, but the door still padlocked with a sign
'KEEP OUT' and 'DANGER'..  the rusty warnings ignored
its frame like paper, took one kick till the door was on the floor

its was a door like any other, showed nothing apparent..
but inside was the thoughts an soul of a man gone manic..

the cupboard a sick shrine to his love
her pictures hung from string, tied from above
next to candles and keepsakes
her lost gloves an other mementos..
this wretched man who'd reached hate
from a rotten love gone bad or mental
had full pads of scribbled poems an odes
layin next to homemade dolls an a naked barbie
 shoes thatd fit a two year old tot..
but what really made the alarms ring
the bloodied kids knickers
stuffed into a locked box 
and topped with glitter stickers...

'Sarge, this pictures different, it might be suttin
its old, worn, n was clipped to this paper cuttin,
this womans, shes beautiful.. she looks jus like her..
says she worked at the old institution, untill..
..he tightens up..
'she was raped.. real brutal.. i think.. this is his mother..then.. 
as he read on the tale of this monster 
dawned upon this simple copper..
'after labour, she went to jail.. for trying to smother him..'

we wandered through the neglected ruins, expecting ghouls 
felt an ambiance that would test tombs, an the guts of lesser fools
a menacingly depressive moon filtered through the wreckage roof,
through the beams left to stew an lit up the dusty decrepit rooms
  that once slept the loons, screams still echo'd with every gentle step taken
floorboards shake with the weight of a thousand mental patients
she turned to me, trying to muster the strength to say something
her lips quivered an her chin wobbled, an then 'I'm late..' again..
taking her hands tightly, I squeeze just enough to hurt
shes squirms, confused at her situation, 'your not.. scared are you? 
dont be a little girl.'..  I smirked..

i was gone. the world dissipated, his wet breath felt suffocating
so close i could taste it.. with every fibre i should fuckin hate him
but past emotion, i just laid still, expressionless.. nothing. vacant
resorting to displacement, i wondered if I'd wake up. 
torrential black rain, the tears mixing with my make up
his claw like nails slithered and dug into my neck, 
the other hand gripped my wrist and positioned above my head. 
could feel his elbows shake, his weight twice mine an bearing down
grunt an rasp, his saliva frothing at the side of his mouth
how long could this fuckin last? my toes clenched in self pity
his trousers were barely down, and he was in me
my whimpers felt silly, trying to tighten up, it was useless, 
dry as fuck, but he pushed through it, excited by his abusiveness..

her body lay naked
clothes torn from her
they were too late.. 'SHIT..
 phone the coroner'
pools of red trickled to flood
her eyes still open.. in wonder..
and written in blood 
the words 'I HATE YOU MOTHER'

Back to Top
Cuba View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Legendary Assassin

Joined: 14 June 2004
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 12104

King of LA

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 47-22-0
Form: WWWWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 November 2013 at 2:42pm
Epic verse writing mfer...will read this later!!
Back to Top
FuckButter View Drop Down
Banned
Banned
Avatar

Joined: 17 October 2013
Location: Fuddruckers, LA
Status: Offline
Points: 150

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 1-1-0
Form: LW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote FuckButter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 November 2013 at 10:52pm
I fucks with this shit right here, haunting as a motherfucker. The only advice I would give is that I didn't really get an indication of the girl's age, which I think really affects the story. Sometimes I get the impression she is a child, other times that she's an adult. I don't know if this on purpose or what.
Back to Top
fuckoff View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 10 April 2013
Location: fucksville
Status: Offline
Points: 3074

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 27-6-0
Form: WWWWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote fuckoff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 November 2013 at 11:57am
it says in the call to police shes twenty. 
Back to Top
Titu View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member


Joined: 04 July 2013
Location: 🔥 Hell 🔥
Status: Offline
Points: 4510

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 47-19-0
Form: WWWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Titu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 November 2013 at 2:50pm
Holly fuck ... Where the fuck youve been fucked off???
I guess its the first OM ive seen from you...

Tbh my man, it was dope. You nailed this extensive story perfectly and ( im amazed ), you didnt even let my interest stumble for a second. Some heavy emotions converted this drop into a 3D film or sonething....Really impressive man... I got nothing more to say, i got only three words "dope as fuck"...
Ill chase yo drops from now on..
Stay active man...
And yeh, stay blessed!!
Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.

Back to Top
J504 View Drop Down
Banned
Banned
Avatar

Joined: 08 June 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 5385

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 25-0-0
Form: WWWWWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote J504 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 November 2013 at 6:32pm
Long read but worth it.

I really enjoyed how poetic the first part was before plunging into the darker theme. I also enjoyed the last 2 sets which mixed the poetic and the dark side together.

This was really nice right here, fam. Well worth the read.
Back to Top
Cuba View Drop Down
Senior Moderator
Senior Moderator
Avatar
Legendary Assassin

Joined: 14 June 2004
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 12104

King of LA

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 47-22-0
Form: WWWWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Cuba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 November 2013 at 9:09pm
In my eyes this is a classic...the way you mixed up your rhyme scheme, segmented the story, built the tension even though relatively early in you know what's going to happen you still spin out the narrative. Really I've not seen a verse on this site where someone effectively gives you the punchline in the 2nd verse yet still manages to progress the narrative and wanting to read on to find out the details.

It was textured too...you get a feel for the different characters in it as well. Kept it in a uniform style that means it reads as 'one drop' but you still get the various voices of the characters.

So yeah, this is sick. 5 star drop.
Back to Top
Nigma View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 25 March 2013
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 3871
Crew: Elision

Topical ChampOpen Mic of the Month
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Nigma Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 November 2013 at 1:28am
Yo got half way through this awhile ago then couldn't find it when I went to finish it, loved it man, well structured, concise, emotional writing. Bump for now will finish reading this and give you some feed bro

Back to Top
JBrenn View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 03 May 2006
Status: Offline
Points: 3632

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 38-26-0
Form: WWWWLW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JBrenn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 November 2013 at 3:10am
You went in FO!!!! Nice flow through out and great wording through out!!! Props!!
Back to Top
Nigma View Drop Down
Site Moderator
Site Moderator
Avatar

Joined: 25 March 2013
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 3871
Crew: Elision

Topical ChampOpen Mic of the Month
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Nigma Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 November 2013 at 4:08am
What impressed me most was the intelligence behind this verses layout. The changes between the perspectives were planned out very well to deliver several different story lines at once. The progression of the story, character development, and genuinely interested plot backed up by some fairly advanced rhyming made this epicly long drop readable, a rarity for something of this size. 

Wonderful read

Back to Top
fuckoff View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 10 April 2013
Location: fucksville
Status: Offline
Points: 3074

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 27-6-0
Form: WWWWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote fuckoff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 November 2013 at 12:17am
much appreciated all. i know this a chapter and a half so props on taking the time to read it
Back to Top
spume corrupt View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 April 2011
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 2738
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 20-7-1
Form: WLWLLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 November 2013 at 9:22pm
Just about got thru this one.............Wow that was a big ole shit man
Some of this was really nice fuck; and at times I was being carried by this drop waiting on the next turn of events or sudden scene change, you progressed through the story well
This one kinda springs off the page like a movie.........Nearly lost me on a couple weaker scenes but mostly I was gripped
Well done

Back to Top
TURTLE View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 10 September 2009
Location: Kansas City
Status: Offline
Points: 1504

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 12-17-1
Form: WNWWLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote TURTLE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 November 2013 at 10:48pm
Damnnnn.. I really enjoyed the beginning of this piece. Imagery was excellent all the way through but its like I could see a girl with her feet on the dash, biting her lip with excitement sitting there in the passenger seat. Like some movie type of shit

Very cinematic!!
Worth every bit of 10 minutes to read this!!!
                     
''STYLEZ''
<ce
Back to Top
Brotha Goose View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 07 July 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Status: Offline
Points: 2298
Crew: Kratos Kind

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 10-10-0
Form: LWLWLL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Brotha Goose Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 November 2013 at 2:08am
Damn FO.....drop an audio of this, shit is fire bruh! I like yur quick fire style. My fav part.....
 
stood at the door knockin, 
six cops and a swat team
'GET THE RAM READY.. 
HIT THE LOCK.. HE'S NOT IN'..
the slams steady an with a 'click' its 
popped off its hinges  
the search beginnin already 
siftin thru paperstacks 
and tossed syringes
rippin every draw out. 
ignoring the stench of rot 
from the kitchens many half empty pots
cause that girl - she been missin days, then 
without a flicker of hesitation 
or any doubt came a heavy shout.. 
'SARGE... COME HERE...' he pauses, 
not cause hes breathin -
he's jus tryna take it all in.. 
'I.. I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE THIS..'
 
You were on it right there fam! Illness

Back to Top
CHAIN View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 14 November 2006
Status: Offline
Points: 2662

Reigning Open Mic King

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 8-4-0
Form: LWWLWW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CHAIN Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 November 2013 at 8:34pm
This is a work of art. A truly exceptional piece of writing.

shit was like a box of chocolates.

And that's all I have to say about that. 
+Sick-Witted+
Back to Top
fuckoff View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 10 April 2013
Location: fucksville
Status: Offline
Points: 3074

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 27-6-0
Form: WWWWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote fuckoff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 November 2013 at 11:47pm
ty chain much appreciated coming from you. 

last bump and il let this fall into the oblivion
Back to Top
-Orion- View Drop Down
Veteran
Veteran
Avatar

Joined: 08 April 2004
Location: DisturbinLondon
Status: Offline
Points: 9599
Crew: Renegades

Text Rank: #1
Stats: 90-4-1
Form: WWWWNW
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote -Orion- Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 November 2013 at 12:09am
The story is amongst the best we've had...in terms of delivering it, I'm not saying it was poor but I think you almost maybe didn't give it as much time as you could have to make it flow all the way...what kept me reading was the story, not the rhyme scheme, or the flow... In that sense, I think if you re-wrote or re-structured this as a poem it could be really, really good...like, publishable...this is still nice though
. . . Now who said they fuckin' with me?
They just said that FUCKIN' with me
They didn't mean it
Nah . . .
Back to Top
fuckoff View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 10 April 2013
Location: fucksville
Status: Offline
Points: 3074

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 27-6-0
Form: WWWWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote fuckoff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 January 2014 at 12:03am
imma bump this cuz its like the least fed verse in classics lol








Back to Top
Smoothtung View Drop Down
Standard Member
Standard Member
Avatar

Joined: 09 December 2012
Status: Offline
Points: 2111

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 25-8-3
Form: WWWLWN
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Smoothtung Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 January 2014 at 4:03am
wow bro... when I left you weren't doing shit like this. This kept getting better and better until at the end I was saying to myself 'this is fucking fantastic'.. deeply sickening but astonishingly clever to match.. bravo 
Back to Top
fuckoff View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 10 April 2013
Location: fucksville
Status: Offline
Points: 3074

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 27-6-0
Form: WWWWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote fuckoff Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 January 2014 at 2:40pm
thankss duuuu
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  12>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down