Open Mic: Sunday, September 10 2017

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daydizzle89 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 25 July 2017 at 7:09pm


Anxiety me? No, i just like my privacy

quietly writing, my diary tells my life in its entirety

Heres what i write to relieve the demons that guide me

 


Sunday, September 10 2017,

a day i hate, it brings it to the forefront of society...

Why me? i fight my demons with a smile on the outside, please

provide me the strength to finally stop this spiraling grief

High Esteem?

How when my psychologist says i have a disease?

I'm fatigued

my depression a sickness?

its the symptom of being teased

 tensions hidden

feeling its grip nd squeeze

Why fight when i seem to be at ease?

why stress if im the cause of the affliction

The cause of friction

im the reason for my moms deceit nd addiction

 she beat me while her boyfriend Pete proceeded  to be a participant

repeated every week with me bleeding

tears of retreat and submission

inflicted with sexually being abused left me physically stricken'd

Defeat is all i believe in

Routinely being beat leaves me sickened

Im sixteen, cant call the police cuz nobody listens

dreams of living a peaceful life with a wife nd kids  (Ten nd Three)

playing and teaching them how to pitch with technique

Instead i live a nightmare depleted from achieving anything

This is my last entry honestly

 i will weep and take defeat

sick of wrestling these demons, the pains extreme



DEAR LOVED ONES AND FAMILY,

THIS IS THE END

 

So let me apologize for the pain i have inflicted on my friends

Tonight it ends

Dont cry, dont pretend to be sad

you know i wasnt right in my head

When im dead, remember every night i would cry nd beg

for the fight to end

light bends, life is torment

Agony resides in my mind and stays dormant

Hate this war meant to harm those i adore nd left

Mom, Pete.. Your correct, the answer is suicide

Rope around my neck

life i have scrutinized

Utilize the rope, jump to lose this life

Please no funeral guys

I brutalized my family with my stupid cries

Let the truth just hide, you two will soon arrive

Walk into my room and see me crucified

Forgive me, I loved you guys

 

No longer need to let my bruises hide...



Edited by daydizzle89 - 25 July 2017 at 7:16pm
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Lord Puente View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2017 at 8:34pm
the BL4 roasts were too much guys...
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DressToKill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 July 2017 at 11:12am
What's up Dizz-Master

First off I wanted to say props on your recent elevation. Now for the piece. Everyone I read something of yours there's patches of greatness mixed in with sloppy technique, look at your first three lines.

Anxiety me? No, i just like my pri-va-cy (3)

quietly writing, my diary tells my life in its en-tire-ty (3)

Heres what i write to relieve the demons that guide-me (2)

I spaced out the syllables to highlight the mismatched third bar, though it's a small error it fucks with the read big time. This could of been fixed by using the word "guided". The story flows alright from there, you had some staggered flow due to the unique set up but it wasnt a huge disruption. I thought you did a decent job developing the character but I thought you could of went deeper into his issues and feelings to pete/mom. My favorite bars had to be the last 8, I thought they were really well put together and technically it was sound as well.

Like I keep saying duke, you got mad potential but I think you're to quick to push out material. If you took your time your shit would be a lot cleaner and enjoyable.

Stay up
The original comeback kid
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 July 2017 at 3:27pm
Quote
provide me the strength to finally stop this spiraling grief
High Esteem?
How when my psychologist says i have a disease?
I'm fatigued
my depression a sickness?
its the symptom of being teased
tensions hidden
feeling its grip nd squeeze
Why fight when i seem to be at ease?
why stress if im the cause of the affliction
The cause of friction
im the reason for my moms deceit nd addiction

this part right here was extremely fire. The cadence and the emotion was really "one after another" if you will. It is always special when emotion and technique meet. This was my favorite part of the piece. As for the rest, I wish the letter addressed his kids as it addressed the mom and "Pete"... You mention family but I wish it was more direct to them. All in all, you're slowly getting wording down. Some spots here needed some help and I agree with DTK's thought on the multi line up. Keep grindin'
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