Open Mic: Sunday, September 10 2017 |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Posted: 25 July 2017 at 7:09pm |
Anxiety me? No, i just like my privacy quietly writing, my diary tells my life in its entirety Heres what i write to relieve the demons that guide me
a day i hate, it brings it to the forefront of society... Why me? i fight my demons with a smile on the outside, please provide me the strength to finally stop this spiraling grief High Esteem? How when my psychologist says i have a disease? I'm fatigued my depression a sickness? its the symptom of being teased tensions hidden feeling its grip nd squeeze Why fight when i seem to be at ease? why stress if im the cause of the affliction The cause of friction im the reason for my moms deceit nd addiction she beat me while her boyfriend Pete proceeded to be a participant repeated every week with me bleeding tears of retreat and submission inflicted with sexually being abused left me physically stricken'd Defeat is
all i believe in Routinely being beat leaves me sickened Im sixteen, cant call the police cuz nobody listens dreams of living a peaceful life with a wife nd kids (Ten nd Three) playing and teaching them how to pitch with technique Instead i live a nightmare depleted from achieving anything This is my last entry honestly i will weep and take defeat sick of wrestling these demons, the pains extreme DEAR LOVED ONES AND FAMILY, THIS IS THE END
So let me apologize for the pain i have inflicted on my friends Tonight it ends Dont cry, dont pretend to be sad you know i wasnt right in my head When im dead, remember every night i would cry nd beg for the fight to end light bends, life is torment Agony resides in my mind and stays dormant Hate this war meant to harm those i adore nd left Mom, Pete.. Your correct, the answer is suicide Rope
around my neck life i have scrutinized Utilize the rope, jump to lose this life Please no funeral guys I brutalized my family with my stupid cries Let the truth just hide, you two will soon arrive Walk into my room and see me crucified Forgive me, I loved you guys
No longer need to let my bruises hide...
Edited by daydizzle89 - 25 July 2017 at 7:16pm |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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the BL4 roasts were too much guys...
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DressToKill
Superior Member Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
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What's up Dizz-Master
First off I wanted to say props on your recent elevation. Now for the piece. Everyone I read something of yours there's patches of greatness mixed in with sloppy technique, look at your first three lines. Anxiety me? No, i just like my pri-va-cy (3) quietly writing, my diary tells my life in its en-tire-ty (3) Heres what i write to relieve the demons that guide-me (2) I spaced out the syllables to highlight the mismatched third bar, though it's a small error it fucks with the read big time. This could of been fixed by using the word "guided". The story flows alright from there, you had some staggered flow due to the unique set up but it wasnt a huge disruption. I thought you did a decent job developing the character but I thought you could of went deeper into his issues and feelings to pete/mom. My favorite bars had to be the last 8, I thought they were really well put together and technically it was sound as well. Like I keep saying duke, you got mad potential but I think you're to quick to push out material. If you took your time your shit would be a lot cleaner and enjoyable. Stay up |
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The original comeback kid
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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this part right here was extremely fire. The cadence and the emotion was really "one after another" if you will. It is always special when emotion and technique meet. This was my favorite part of the piece. As for the rest, I wish the letter addressed his kids as it addressed the mom and "Pete"... You mention family but I wish it was more direct to them. All in all, you're slowly getting wording down. Some spots here needed some help and I agree with DTK's thought on the multi line up. Keep grindin'
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