Open Mic: The Doc: Illiad Series

"The Doc"

His wall, a shrine of honor and ego
MIT grad. The doc, highly regarded.
A steeple of Plaques pulsate his office
“A hero of the community. He fought for the people!”
Despite the jazz, his prize possession? jovial portrait of youth
His daughter, Josephine’s
beaming smile….devoid of a tooth
“Love you, daddy”
With the conviction of a crayola refrain
sketched on crumpled stationery;
His American dream…
Firmly placed on a magniloquent mahogany stained desk.
An Iphone 7 reflecting a life of grandeur
But the devil’s in the detail…
And exit when night falls.

(interesting rhyme scheme here,made this piece very poetic along with the wording
and details,not easy to pull that off really,plus i thought it quite advanced in nature
too,you've done real well setting the scene with the imagery provided also,and i'm
liking the word choices here,just adds an extra layer and umph for a reader,helps us
to digest the little things which do or can get overlooked in pieces,good start i'm liking
the approach..)


Masks are man-made.
Motives? incidental.
Perhaps a sad place.
Chosen last place as a lad;
Shades of grey enveloping soul…
It takes a doctor’s precision to balance the delicate stroke
Between madness and genius... colors erode…
He adored the acclaim…
but more so the rush of the “stroke’
A “doctor” of two trades: Life and Death.
stainless steel was the tool
As scalpel and slugs juxtapose
Midnight’s morbid milieu

(Yep that rhyme scheme is still working well in this segment,and still with the vivid
depiction,your using your gray matter well in painting a gray area/rhyme,this segment
had a ying and yang vibe occurring within,(life and death/twisted genius),and still
deploying some great wording to boot,some ripe creative and seasoned writing here,
that i'm getting a kick from on reading,plus i'm hooked now..)


*Riiiinnngggg*
“Hello? Of course. I’ll be there. Goodbye”

It wasn’t a flashy getup,
A simple black ensemble etched in mellow tone.
the night, a hellish yellow drone,
as the moon belch a thick glow
The Doc smiled at the night...as he exit his home…
For tonight, he have a date...…
With a Dragon and Devil.

(loved the reference of being smug and care free of his actions,the Doc seems devoid
of feelings at will,like its a drug to him,shit he seems the type to operate on you,then
remove your organs and sell them,without a second thought,devious and dark,this was
a highly enjoyable read,your pen game and scheme were ripe! throughout,very poetic
that will appeal to all levels of understanding,a piece that also has reread me stamped
all over it,(as i shall be doing),creative brother man,and that rhyme scheme alone was a
highlight and on some other shit . thanks for sharing,tremendous writing..)..peace.

Sammuel L handin'


His wall, a shrine of honor and ego
MIT grad. The doc, highly regarded.
A steeple of Plaques pulsate his office
“A hero of the community. He fought for the people!”

bro, what? this scheme tho. loved it.


Despite the jazz, his prize possession? jovial portrait of youth
His daughter, Josephine’s
beaming smile….devoid of a tooth

jesus, we gotta collab.


“Love you, daddy”
With the conviction of a crayola refrain
sketched on crumpled stationery;
His American dream…
Firmly placed on a magniloquent mahogany stained desk.
An Iphone 7 reflecting a life of grandeur
But the devil’s in the detail…
And exit when night falls.

this is too sick for me. the placement on "His American dream". style wise, so far, this is something I really take my hat off to. the scheme is dope. but the scheme is only there to deliver the content, as where alot of times I find cats really use the content to drive the scheme. I have never been one to sacrifice content for a pretty scheme. this has both tho. so bravo my friend. im really enjoying this.



Masks are man-made.
Motives? incidental.
Perhaps a sad place.
Chosen last place as a lad;
Shades of grey enveloping soul…
It takes a doctor’s precision to balance the delicate stroke
Between madness and genius... colors erode…

knock it off.

He adored the acclaim…
but more so the rush of the “stroke’
A “doctor” of two trades: Life and Death.
stainless steel was the tool
As scalpel and slugs juxtapose
Midnight’s morbid milieu

I take it you relate to this dr mr Sammuel? this shit is extremely well written.

*Riiiinnngggg*
“Hello? Of course. I’ll be there. Goodbye”

It wasn’t a flashy getup,
A simple black ensemble etched in mellow tone.
the night, a hellish yellow drone,
as the moon belch a thick glow
The Doc smiled at the night...as he exit his home…
For tonight, he have a date...…
With a Dragon and Devil.

well. I dont feel you capped this off on the right foot. this segment just felt less composed. meh.


in total, id say this is something that I would personally aim for, nowhere near this level - but ideally - this is where id like my writing to be. it was smooth, had such a complex layer but was so subtle that it just seemed basic in a sense. I had this line back in the day, forgive me as I don't remember it..but it was something along the lines of I write so that everyone can catch it, but I leave the subtle shit in if you can see the layers. I felt this was layered remarkable. I just wish the end was more of a crescendo and less of a fizzle. anyhow, nice work bro. really impressed.

Sammy

1. Don't ever do that "<3" thing again or we're gonna have a meeting.lol

2. You're a bad man my brother

This piece was exceptionally well written. Subtle, imaginative, and truly believable. I'm utterly impressed how you were able to craft such a detailed world in so few lines and so little words. It was compressed but loaded with content. The epitome of concise and focused writing. No filler, no waste...everything single letter was relevant and served a purpose. Plus, your choice of words ... just phenomenal. They were descriptive and unexpected. The plaques, toothless photo, mahogany desk, glow of the moon, the smile at the end. Just dope. Great storytelling. Untouchable technique.


Peace...