Open Mic: The Fine Art Of Achieving Failure |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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Posted: 14 February 2017 at 9:46pm |
uninspired contempt you don’t know the half of it cuz scratching the paint from these walls to have me a buzz perhaps it’s enough, to say I once lived like a man mortgage 6 months ahead. nice whips and retirement plans i once admired the scam. Inspired by it, it seemed american wasteland built on empires and schemes eight fourteen. FICA score if you know what I mean blowing cream on finer things we only acquire in dreams just things. every luxury you could place under the sun why connect with people when I can purchase me one all the rejection or hurt I once hurdled when young its a vicious circle. but, im still uncertain I won I hung my hat on that question. still awaiting your thoughts got Corinthian Leather catching my tears when they drop odd. How often i fought the wrong battle and lost traveled the wrong road or lakes to paddle across once had everything that most people cowardly mock like power and pussy. . . but now look at how we are lost two peas in a pod, my conscious is constantly on banging my head on the wall to turn the audible off is it plausible I’ve hit a patch too fractured or cracked seems attacking obstacles are just impractical acts hell, im past tracing the past in my atrium's path perhaps I’m UNINSPIRED content with this CONTEMPT that I have yea . . . you can have wealth but please don’t follow these tracks. |
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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I'm never gonna say I like sunfin if I just ain't sure!
I felt the scheme, flow was apparent as I took it in Couple places I would definitely edit slightly! ADDMIISSION that's with the benefit of hindsight I should probably come back with example, maybe I will So I done this the honour of a couple reads, mainly because I am lead to believe you are talented Judging by your previous mainly So just brutally honest Shit felt over contrived had too much guts and not enough stomach Felt story based but should not have been considering the loose end rhymes/scheme this had For me nothing solidified It closes LIKE amessage for all@? But no clear message was seen This lacking FLESH and subsftfance Never hating on skills fam Just bring it tighter yeah Or keep on. Whatever |
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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I enjoyed reading this. Lots of very vivid and intriguing references, some of them seem like 'pretty metaphors' on the surface - but I think the beauty about them (and abstract pieces in general) rather lies in the layered context. I do think that the overall approach you took here was slightly different compared to what I've seen from you so far as your phraseology seemed slightly vague at a few spaces. But I thoroughly liked the almost dread-like atmosphere with the 'moral-teaching' undertone throughout. I'm not sure, but the tone in this and the way you displayed the content strongly reminds me of a writer from another site, deadman, which is definitely a good thing. With that being said, I feel like there were a few references which felt 'depthless', so to say. Best example would be the corinthian leather segment. It doesn't fit in as 'natural' as those vivd references you had in your opening segment for example, like the 'empires and schemes' one. I also loved your closing lines - well written. The alliterations you used throughout were another highlight to me. Nice work.
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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thank you alice. i am very familiar with deadman aka mr black we have actually battled at least 3 times in topical leagues across other sites and he has definitely been an influence on me. i know what site you know him from, i personally have never been on that site. i assume you know witty as well, i have also been in many leagues with him as well.
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Yeah it seems like he's been an influence on a lot of very good writers, which I've come across. As I said, I can spot some elements, the tone you used being the strongest one, which is definitely a compliment lol.
And I was on that site only for a few months. But I know Witty, he's incredible, only if he'd get back to writing. |
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Amgin
Groupie Joined: 31 January 2017 Status: Offline Points: 140 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-0 Form: LLL |
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Psychedelic bro. "Why connect with people when I can purchase me one" very true these days very true
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