Open Mic: The Fine Art Of Achieving Failure

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rhetorical View Drop Down
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    Posted: 14 February 2017 at 9:46pm
uninspired
contempt

you don’t know the half of it cuz 
scratching the paint from these walls to have me a buzz 
perhaps it’s enough, to say I once lived like a man 
mortgage 6 months ahead. nice whips and retirement plans 
i once admired the scam. Inspired by it, it seemed 
american wasteland built on empires and schemes 
eight fourteen.
FICA score if you know what I mean 
blowing cream on finer things we only acquire in dreams 
just things. every luxury you could place under the sun 
why connect with people when I can purchase me one
all the rejection or hurt I once hurdled when young
its a vicious circle. but, im still uncertain I won 
I hung my hat on that question. 
still awaiting your thoughts 
got Corinthian Leather catching my tears when they drop 
odd. How often i fought the wrong battle and lost 
traveled the wrong road or lakes to paddle across 
once had everything that most people cowardly mock 
like power and pussy. . . but now look at how we are lost 
two peas in a pod, my conscious is constantly on 
banging my head on the wall to turn the audible off 
is it plausible I’ve hit a patch too fractured or cracked
seems attacking obstacles are just impractical acts
hell, im past tracing the past in my atrium's path 
perhaps I’m UNINSPIRED
content with this CONTEMPT that I have 
yea . . . you can have wealth
but please 

don’t follow these tracks. 

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spume corrupt View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 February 2017 at 11:07pm
I'm never gonna say I like sunfin if I just ain't sure!
I felt the scheme, flow was apparent as I took it in
Couple places I would definitely edit slightly!

ADDMIISSION that's with the benefit of hindsight
I should probably come back with example, maybe I will

So I done this the honour of a couple reads, mainly because I am lead to believe you are talented
Judging by your previous mainly

So just brutally honest
Shit felt over contrived had too much guts and not enough stomach
Felt story based but should not have been considering the loose end rhymes/scheme this had
For me nothing solidified

It closes LIKE amessage for all@? But no clear message was seen
This lacking FLESH and subsftfance

Never hating on skills fam
Just bring it tighter yeah
Or keep on. Whatever

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 February 2017 at 2:06am
I enjoyed reading this. Lots of very vivid and intriguing references, some of them seem like 'pretty metaphors' on the surface - but I think the beauty about them (and abstract pieces in general) rather lies in the layered context. I do think that the overall approach you took here was slightly different compared to what I've seen from you so far as your phraseology seemed slightly vague at a few spaces. But I thoroughly liked the almost dread-like atmosphere with the 'moral-teaching' undertone throughout. I'm not sure, but the tone in this and the way you displayed the content strongly reminds me of a writer from another site, deadman, which is definitely a good thing. With that being said, I feel like there were a few references which felt 'depthless', so to say. Best example would be the corinthian leather segment. It doesn't fit in as 'natural' as those vivd references you had in your opening segment for example, like the 'empires and schemes' one. I also loved your closing lines - well written. The alliterations you used throughout were another highlight to me. Nice work. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote rhetorical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 February 2017 at 4:35am
Originally posted by alicewonder alicewonder wrote:

I enjoyed reading this. Lots of very vivid and intriguing references, some of them seem like 'pretty metaphors' on the surface - but I think the beauty about them (and abstract pieces in general) rather lies in the layered context. I do think that the overall approach you took here was slightly different compared to what I've seen from you so far as your phraseology seemed slightly vague at a few spaces. But I thoroughly liked the almost dread-like atmosphere with the 'moral-teaching' undertone throughout. I'm not sure, but the tone in this and the way you displayed the content strongly reminds me of a writer from another site, deadman, which is definitely a good thing. With that being said, I feel like there were a few references which felt 'depthless', so to say. Best example would be the corinthian leather segment. It doesn't fit in as 'natural' as those vivd references you had in your opening segment for example, like the 'empires and schemes' one. I also loved your closing lines - well written. The alliterations you used throughout were another highlight to me. Nice work. 

thank you alice. 

i am very familiar with deadman aka mr black 

we have actually battled at least 3 times in topical leagues across other sites and he has definitely been an influence on me. 

i know what site you know him from, i personally have never been on that site. 

i assume you know witty as well, i have also been in many leagues with him as well. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 February 2017 at 1:56am
Yeah it seems like he's been an influence on a lot of very good writers, which I've come across. As I said, I can spot some elements, the tone you used being the strongest one, which is definitely a compliment lol.
And I was on that site only for a few months. But I know Witty, he's incredible, only if he'd get back to writing.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Amgin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 February 2017 at 9:52pm
Psychedelic bro. "Why connect with people when I can purchase me one" very true these days very true
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