Open Mic: The Love Of Lyrical Art

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    Posted: 11 October 2017 at 2:00am
I won't lie, I want to make you cry, but I don't mean to hurt you.
I just want inside your mind, til these words reach your virtue.
waiting outside your conscience, tappin your intuition
"I know you heard my words, I know you read them, but did you listen?"
Can I, be your gravitation, help you exceed your imagination
til you can fully understand a poets words, and read'm with admiration
I just want this art to affect you, and inject you, how it infected me
Feel it's point of it's love and it's pain. til your affections bleed
wanna tell you stories you already know, but from a different perspective
Wanna re-open your emotions. Get'm coastin, til your feeling is restless.
want you to feel these chills, like when one's sick with a fever
Smile, laugh, cry, dry your eye, then promote this as your leisure
Although some voices, their vocals tower, words alone can be so much louder.
So when words are formed into art, I just hope you know their power
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 October 2017 at 10:12am
First off nice verse,i liked, the use of assonace here,but it is a custom here that
you feed others in order to be fed,you have dropped a few pieces but haven't fed
anybody else's work,I feel this is a one sided affair that needs addressing because
ppl here believe you get out what you put in,I will leave feed when I see you being a
little more forthcoming,no disrespect intended here,more of some friendly advice
peace.
"Life Is A Form Of Animated Death"...R.I.P..Poetic/Gravediggaz.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote D-NoS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 October 2017 at 7:44pm
This hit deep. 

Thanks for sharing :)

BTW welcome to Lyrical Assault!


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Who-Is-You? Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 October 2017 at 10:53pm
I appreciate the feedback D-NoS and Crimson, I've taken note of what you have said and have done so.

Guess this is a good time to bump this for anybody who might not have seen and might want to leave some feedback. 
Thanks

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Storm $hadow Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 October 2017 at 3:11am
I won't lie, I want to make you cry, but I don't mean to hurt you.
I just want inside your mind, til these words reach your virtue.

Basic,but who said basic isn't good? The first line got me drawing two meanings out of it of which I created them myself cause I didn't get what you were trying to convey with that. However, I like the rhyme you employed at the end(Hurt you/ Virtue), nice one.
.
.

waiting outside your conscience, tappin your intuition
"I know you heard my words, I know you read them, but did you listen?"

Nothing special in this segment...
.
.
Can I, be your gravitation, help you exceed your imagination
til you can fully understand a poets words, and read'm with admiration

Your first line is my favourite here, reason is obvious.


I just want this art to affect you, and inject you, how it infected me
Feel it's point of it's love and it's pain. til your affections bleed

If I still know what I am reading and still understanding it; You're bridging a gap between art and a lady(Could be guy, I don't know). From my point of view though,i could be wrong.
.
.
wanna tell you stories you already know, but from a different perspective
Wanna re-open your emotions. Get'm coastin, til your feeling is restless.

Alright, here it's like wanting to open her to a love she already experienced while pledging to make a difference.
.
.
want you to feel these chills, like when one's sick with a fever
Smile, laugh, cry, dry your eye, then promote this as your leisure
Although some voices, their vocals tower, words alone can be so much louder.
So when words are formed into art, I just hope you know their power


Nice ending and it's good thing you stayed on point. There's room for improvement though when it comes to your content and rhyme scheme; I mean you could try out multis and internals, they are like spices. And with the content aspect it would be nice to see you key a topical with a sad feel behind it. Btw, welcome to L.A(I know it coming late).
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 October 2017 at 9:43am
Friend i have seen your efforts on the participation front,and i will leave a detailed
feedback within this weekend,thanks for taking the time out for others...peace.
"Life Is A Form Of Animated Death"...R.I.P..Poetic/Gravediggaz.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 October 2017 at 11:42am
I won't lie, I want to make you cry, but I don't mean to hurt you.
I just want inside your mind, til these words reach your virtue.
waiting outside your conscience, tappin your intuition
"I know you heard my words, I know you read them, but did you listen?"
Can I, be your gravitation, help you exceed your imagination
til you can fully understand a poets words, and read'm with admiration

(firstly i enjoyed the levels of multi's here,ranging from 2-4 syllables which didn't
come off as stressed,they were cohesive and in turn read natural (no near rhymes),
and this just highlighted your flow,(do you write to a beat? or just write?),anyways i
also liked the wording here,word choice is an art in its own right to be honest,it's something that either comes naturally or something most have to work on,as in
truth the words have to be learnt as to sit correctly befitting their meaning,which means you have to brush up on the English front either via extra classes or reading
books,which ever way you accomplished this i say well done,because it was solid here,the contents had in this segment a vibe that came off like a teacher/pupil
scenario,with a hint of frustration thrown in,like your trying to make them grasp the
effects,(not understanding is still a form of understanding though..lol),yeah nice
segment here you've peaked my interest..)

I just want this art to affect you, and inject you, how it infected me
Feel it's point of it's love and it's pain. til your affections bleed
wanna tell you stories you already know, but from a different perspective
Wanna re-open your emotions. Get'm coastin, til your feeling is restless.
want you to feel these chills, like when one's sick with a fever
Smile, laugh, cry, dry your eye, then promote this as your leisure
Although some voices, their vocals tower, words alone can be so much louder.
So when words are formed into art, I just hope you know their power

(nice poetic stance taken here,their also was some nice emotion within too,trying
to covey with heart and love to the enlighten of,is how it read for me,again that's
down to good wording & mechanics really,i also thought the overall concept was
subtle but active in the progression of promoting lyricists/lyrics,this piece came
off as fresh in subject matter,(nice to read originality),on the whole a real nice piece
that was solid all round with very little fault,and where I took enjoyment from by
reading,definitely worth anyone's time to read,good work i shall keep an eye out
for your OM's from here on..peace.
"Life Is A Form Of Animated Death"...R.I.P..Poetic/Gravediggaz.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 October 2017 at 10:13pm
It's nice
It seems to convey your passion
It's def some convincing justification for you writing
Cool stuff...keep on it brother

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 October 2017 at 4:50pm
I like this more than the drop I just finished commenting on. downside is that this was so short. but this helped build more of a rapport with the reader. gave an inside look. things like that make it more enjoyable and more memorable for the reader.

good job, altho this was very short. landing rhymes doesn't seem too difficult with you.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Bazooka bastard Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 October 2017 at 9:46am
Unusual - can't put my finger on why but it read like lyrics to a pop reggae dance song. But with substance.

The 2nd to last bar about the loud vocals / words meaning more was heavy.
Stories you know from a diff. Perspective was bangin too

Hang tite ya bad self
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Who-Is-You? Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 October 2017 at 11:39pm
Thank you to everybody. Everything said has been noted and appreciated 
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