Open Mic: The Pale Horse |
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6 Boson
Banned Joined: 10 April 2015 Status: Offline Points: 57 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: LW |
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Posted: 16 April 2015 at 3:36pm |
Don't get lost when you lead the host Caz it's your mind that I read the most of those backs u stab u need the most So Kill the hope and you'll heed the ghost When it bleeds the nose the head is up When the geese are close the lead is up A season for shootin' a reason for cookin' But at me you aim, the vision I'm lookin'? Deceivin' and crookin', you live your life And it's bad energy you give the strife So goes forever 'til arthritis eats ya joint? Using all my strength to reach your point sins don't wash away when the rain pours Couldn't hide from a ride on a pale horse When you lone, who will stand right by u? Kill your own, caz I heard-u-can like Ryu From your Genie a coffin I'd be wished at Caz like a movie it's run when I see-biscuit You're Pegasus without wings, without my arm Without my love, a unicorn without a horn How to trust u when u aint got my back You just use it to win and top the track Aarg Fuck a sad song just stop the track You just want my people to rock the black Just drop the act, it's drama when I see ya And I stay sober caz I never wanna be- ya Caz I feel you pack traits of a woman alright You're as broad as day so you'll never be a knight Now you see the light I am of the four horseman We fight together and my hate for you is worsenin' Our Relation loosenin', history is what the course's 'bout I'll curse u out, n when u die u'll hear from the horse's mouth. |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Brothaman, nice shit
The flow was really nice here. You transitioned each rhyme well. The multis used were nice and clear cut. this helped with the flow. Your content and concepts are great. The way you are able to grasp the content and run with it is almost poetic. Very nice imagery and the vocabulary. This was a Gem brothaman. You have a great understanding on how to catch people and draw them in with your verses. Dope shit. One thing though is that I would have made the lines a little longer. This isn't because of the flow. its because when im reading it, I have a short pause between lines. This is dope either way. keep at it
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Alpha&Omega
Newbie Joined: 07 April 2015 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 31 |
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I think this rhyme was very good. The concept was beautifully articulated. The vocabulary was, which helped with the articulation, was good. I liked your wordplay. I thought the flow was on point. And yes, what Day above said, it was poetic. I wish to highlight these bars:
So goes forever 'til arthritis eats ya joint? Using all my strength to reach your point sins don't wash away when the rain pours Couldn't hide from a ride on a pale horse When you lone, who will stand right by u? Kill your own, caz I heard-u-can like Ryu From your Genie a coffin I'd be wished at Caz like a movie it's run when I see-biscuit You're Pegasus without wings, without my arm Without my love, a unicorn without a horn I thought this stuff was great. Great drop!
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6 Boson
Banned Joined: 10 April 2015 Status: Offline Points: 57 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: LW |
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Thanx for that good feed Dizzle and Alpha, I appreciate it
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6 Boson
Banned Joined: 10 April 2015 Status: Offline Points: 57 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: LW |
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Bump
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Rational Madman
Groupie Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Pure Poetry Status: Offline Points: 174 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-1 Form: LLLNLL |
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Good rhyme scheme but wtf is with the meaning of it?
You're like lil wayne (and unlike most people say he's a genius when it comes to lyrics) It's just he never themes his songs or focuses their meaning so he always ends up looking like an idiot. focus hard on a theme and make the meaning clearer and I'll become a fan. ;)
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6 Boson
Banned Joined: 10 April 2015 Status: Offline Points: 57 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: LW |
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Ok... Open your mind a lil bit, adjust it to a more multi-dimensional state and you'll be good to Go
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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Mechanics strong here and for an abstract piece you did your thing. Only complaint is that the verse kinda lacked direction for me. Had a bunch of cool lines throughout but didn't progress. I was just perusing through the Missing Princess piece you dropped so I know you're capable of if, this came across as more of a mechanics display. Solid piece for what it is, glad to see some new talent around here.
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6 Boson
Banned Joined: 10 April 2015 Status: Offline Points: 57 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: LW |
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Thanx for the feed nigma
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